Doctor Who? No, Doctor POO!

Doctor Poo and the Time-Travelling Toilet

It all began — as these things so often do — in Surbiton.

A small cul-de-sac on the outskirts of the universe, Number 42 Flushington Avenue, had recently experienced an unusual plumbing issue. The lavatory, to be precise, had started glowing.

Mrs Marge Blunderwaddle, the owner of the suspiciously luminous loo, phoned the emergency plumber. But instead of Mr Dibbles from Block & Plunge, she got a tall man in a crumpled coat, floppy hat, rainbow scarf, and a manic grin.

“Don’t worry, madam!” he cried, springing through her letterbox. “I’m a Time Lord, not a toilet lord. But I dabble.”

“Doctor… Who?” she asked.

“No, no,” he said cheerily. “Doctor Poo. Spelled with two O’s and a universe full of regrets.”

The Glowing Loo

Upon inspection, the lavatory in question was, in fact, a Type 40 Temporal Lavatransmat, camouflaged as a bog-standard bog. Its seat lifted to reveal a swirling vortex, several screaming souls, and what appeared to be a packet of Cheese & Onion crisps spinning in eternal orbit.

“Right then!” said Doctor Poo, adjusting his sonic toilet brush. “Someone’s reversed the flush polarity. That’s not a bidet, it’s a black hole!”

Suddenly, the vortex belched, and out shot a man made entirely of wet wipes. “I am Captain Kleenex, of the Sanitary Empire! Kneel before my disinfected wrath!”

Toilet Trouble in Time

Before Mrs Blunderwaddle could offer tea or a mild scream, Doctor Poo flushed the Time Toilet — whoosh! — sucking them all into the Chrono-U-Bend of Doom. They landed with a splash in Ancient Egypt, where pharaohs had suspiciously minty breath and all hieroglyphs were shaped like loo rolls.

They then bounced to:

• Viking Times, where horned warriors used bidets in battle.
• The Far Future, where androids had two toilets (one for logic, one for emotion).
• The Distant Past, where dinosaurs ran toilet paper factories and invented plumbing before mysteriously disappearing — probably due to a massive clog.

The Final Flush

Back in the present (give or take five centuries), Doctor Poo confronted Captain Kleenex in a climactic toilet-based showdown.

“You’ll never defeat me!” Kleenex sneered. “My paper is quilted!”

“Then prepare to be wiped out,” Doctor Poo retorted.

He flushed. Everything. The villain. The toilet. The crisps.

Mrs Blunderwaddle’s house briefly became a wormhole, then a small, tasteful bungalow in Cornwall.

The End?

Doctor Poo disappeared with a wink, promising to return whenever the universe needed him… or whenever the plumbing acted up again.

He left behind a note:

“Dear Mrs Blunderwaddle,

Sorry for the interdimensional trauma. You now own the only loo in the galaxy with warp speed and auto-scent. Avoid spicy food. Yours,

Dr P.”

Doctor Poo and the Temporal Lavatransmat Song