Tweedle Do and Tweedle Don’t at the Funfair
The funfair arrived in Wonderland on a Thursday morning without asking permission.
Nobody saw the lorries arrive.
Nobody saw anyone putting up the rides.
One moment there was an empty meadow beside the road to the Queen’s croquet ground, and the next there were striped tents, coloured flags, swinging boats, spinning teacups and a magnificent Ferris wheel turning slowly against the blue sky.
A huge sign stood at the entrance:
THE WONDERLAND GRAND FUNFAIR
RIDES! GAMES! PRIZES!
FUN GUARANTEED
REFUNDS STRICTLY IMPOSSIBLE
Tweedle Do read the sign.
“Fun guaranteed,” he said. “That sounds promising.”
Tweedle Don’t read it too.
“Refunds impossible,” he said. “That sounds suspicious.”
They bought two tickets from a rabbit wearing a green waistcoat.
“Sixpence each,” said the rabbit.
Tweedle Do handed him a shilling.
The rabbit gave him three buttons, a peppermint and a small potato.
“What’s this?” asked Tweedle Do.
“Your change.”
“But it isn’t money.”
“It changed, didn’t it?”
Tweedle Don’t nodded thoughtfully.
“He’s got you there.”
They went inside.
Their first stop was the Merry-Go-Round of Uncertain Destination.
It looked perfectly ordinary except that every wooden horse was facing a different direction.
A notice beside it said:
ALL RIDERS MUST REMAIN SEATED UNTIL THEY HAVE ARRIVED SOMEWHERE.
“Shall we?” asked Tweedle Do.
“We probably shouldn’t,” said Tweedle Don’t.
So naturally they climbed aboard.
The music began.
The horses started moving.
Tweedle Do’s horse galloped clockwise.
Tweedle Don’t’s horse went anticlockwise.
A third horse went sideways.
A fourth climbed halfway up its pole and refused to come down.
The ride spun faster and faster.
“THIS IS WONDERFUL!” shouted Tweedle Do.
“THIS IS TERRIBLE!” shouted Tweedle Don’t.
They passed one another.
“WONDERFUL!”
“TERRIBLE!”
“WONDERFUL!”
“TERRIBLE!”
When the ride finally stopped, Tweedle Do was wearing Tweedle Don’t’s cap, Tweedle Don’t was holding somebody else’s umbrella, and neither of them could remember which direction the entrance was.
“That,” said Tweedle Do, “was excellent.”
“That,” said Tweedle Don’t, “should be illegal.”
They moved on.
Next came the Hall of Mirrors.
A tall man with a moustache like two frightened caterpillars stood outside.
“Step inside!” he cried. “See yourselves as you have never seen yourselves before!”
“That sounds interesting,” said Tweedle Do.
“That sounds unnecessary,” said Tweedle Don’t.
They entered.
The first mirror made Tweedle Do enormously tall and Tweedle Don’t extremely thin.
The second made them both square.
The third gave Tweedle Do seventeen ears.
The fourth showed no reflection at all.
Tweedle Don’t stared into it.
“I’m not there.”
Tweedle Do looked.
“Neither am I.”
“Perhaps we’ve gone missing.”
“Should we report it?”
“To whom?”
Then, quite suddenly, the mirror itself spoke.
“Next!”
A small door appeared in the glass and swung open.
Tweedle Do and Tweedle Don’t ran out.
“I didn’t like that one,” said Tweedle Do.
“I did,” said Tweedle Don’t.
They both stopped.
Tweedle Do frowned.
“You liked it?”
“I appear to have done.”
“This fair is doing something to us.”
Before Tweedle Don’t could answer, there came a tremendous clang.
DING! DING! DING!
A crowd had gathered around a brightly painted stall.
Above it hung a sign:
THE GREAT WONDERLAND STRENGTH TEST
HIT THE BUTTON
RING THE BELL
WIN AN IMPOSSIBLY LARGE PRIZE
Behind the stall stood an enormous stuffed flamingo.
Tweedle Do gasped.
“I want that.”
“You have nowhere to put it.”
“I’ll find somewhere.”
“You haven’t got enough room.”
“I’ll make some.”
“You shouldn’t.”
“I shall.”
The stallholder handed Tweedle Do an enormous wooden mallet.
“One strike,” he said.
Tweedle Do lifted the mallet.
He swung.
WHUMP!
The weight shot up the tower.
It passed WEAK.
It passed AVERAGE.
It passed SURPRISINGLY STRONG.
It passed SHOWING OFF NOW.
Then it struck the bell.
DING!
The crowd cheered.
The stuffed flamingo was presented to Tweedle Do.
It was nine feet tall.
Tweedle Don’t stared at it.
“How are we going to carry that?”
“We?”
“Yes, we.”
“I thought you said I shouldn’t win it.”
“That was before you won it.”
They carried the flamingo between them.
Or rather, they attempted to.
Its neck became tangled in the bunting.
Its feet knocked over a toffee-apple stand.
Its beak accidentally removed a man’s hat.
“Sorry!” called Tweedle Do.
“Not sorry!” shouted Tweedle Don’t.
Tweedle Do stopped.
“What?”
“I don’t know why I said that.”
Things were definitely getting peculiar.
Then they saw the biggest attraction in the entire fair.
It was surrounded by flashing lights.
Trumpets played.
Drums rolled.
A mechanical voice boomed:
“COME ONE! COME ALL! RIDE THE GREAT DO-OR-DON’T MACHINE!”
Tweedle Do froze.
Tweedle Don’t froze.
They looked at each other.
The machine consisted of two enormous chairs mounted on a circular platform.
Above one chair was the word:
DO
Above the other:
DON’T
“This seems rather specifically aimed at us,” said Tweedle Do.
“We definitely shouldn’t ride it,” said Tweedle Don’t.
Five minutes later they were strapped in.
The stuffed flamingo had been propped against the side of the machine, where it leaned crookedly with its long beak pointing towards the sky.
The operator pulled a lever.
The machine began to spin.
A mechanical voice asked:
“WOULD YOU LIKE SOME CAKE?”
“DO!” shouted Tweedle Do.
“DON’T!” shouted Tweedle Don’t.
A slice of cake landed in Tweedle Do’s lap.
The machine spun faster.
“WOULD YOU LIKE TO JUMP IN A PUDDLE?”
“DO!”
“DON’T!”
A puddle appeared beneath Tweedle Do’s chair.
“WOULD YOU LIKE TO WEAR A CHEESE HAT?”
“DO!”
“DON’T!”
A large wedge of cheddar dropped onto Tweedle Do’s head.
“This is brilliant!” he cried.
“This is ridiculous!” shouted Tweedle Don’t.
The machine rattled.
The lights flashed.
The platform spun faster and faster.
Then everything suddenly slowed.
The fairground music faded.
The mechanical voice became much deeper.
“FINAL QUESTION.”
Tweedle Do stopped smiling.
Tweedle Don’t gripped the sides of his chair.
The voice continued.
“WOULD YOU LIKE THE FUNFAIR TO CONTINUE FOREVER?”
Tweedle Do opened his mouth.
Then he hesitated.
Forever?
No going home.
No supper.
No beds.
No quiet afternoons.
No chance ever to do anything except ride rides and eat toffee apples.
For the first time all day, the answer did not seem obvious.
“Don’t,” said Tweedle Do.
At exactly the same moment, Tweedle Don’t shouted:
“DO!”
The machine stopped.
Everything stopped.
The Ferris wheel froze.
The carousel froze.
The music stopped.
Even a toffee apple falling from a stick stopped halfway to the ground.
Tweedle Do stared at Tweedle Don’t.
“You said do.”
“You said don’t.”
“I know.”
“So do I.”
A little panel opened in front of them.
Inside was a red button.
Above it were the words:
IN CASE OF CONTRADICTION, PRESS ONCE
Below that, somebody had added:
DO NOT PRESS TWICE
Tweedle Do reached for it.
Tweedle Don’t reached for it too.
Their fingers touched the button together.
CLICK.
For one terrible second, nothing happened.
Then the whole funfair sneezed.
AAAAA-CHOOOOOO!
Flags flew into the air.
Balloons shot sideways.
The Ferris wheel turned backwards.
Three coconuts rolled out of the coconut shy and escaped beneath a fence.
The Hall of Mirrors reflected the wrong tent.
The merry-go-round horses applauded.
And the enormous stuffed flamingo gave the tiniest twitch.
Nobody noticed.
Then everything became still.
The operator unfastened the brothers.
“Well done,” he said.
“What did we do?” asked Tweedle Do.
“You disagreed the wrong way round.”
“But we always disagree,” said Tweedle Don’t.
“Yes,” said the operator. “That was the problem. The machine expected you to disagree in the usual way. The moment you swapped answers, it couldn’t decide which of you was which.”
Tweedle Do smiled.
Tweedle Don’t smiled too.
Then they both stopped smiling because agreeing about smiling seemed dangerous.
They collected their enormous flamingo and made for the exit.
At the gate, the rabbit in the green waistcoat waved.
“Did you enjoy yourselves?”
“Yes,” said Tweedle Do.
“No,” said Tweedle Don’t.
They paused.
Then Tweedle Do added:
“Mostly.”
And Tweedle Don’t said:
“Possibly.”
Behind them, the funfair lights blinked on.
A new sign appeared over the entrance.
TWEEDLE DO & TWEEDLE DON’T SPECIAL OFFER
COME AGAIN TOMORROW
OR DEFINITELY DON’T
Tweedle Do looked at his brother.
“Tomorrow?”
Tweedle Don’t considered this.
“Absolutely not.”
They walked another six paces.
“Same time?” asked Tweedle Do.
“Of course,” said Tweedle Don’t.
As they walked away, with the enormous stuffed flamingo wobbling between them, it gave a small shudder.
“Did you feel that?” asked Tweedle Do.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Tweedle Don’t.
Then the flamingo began to laugh.
Neither of them looked back.
The Crazymad Writer Writes Again 