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Dalek Democracy

Dalek Democracy

Dalek Democracy: The Ballykillduff Election Serial

dalek democracy

Episode One — The Manifesto of Madness

INT. DALek SAUCER – BALLYKILLDUFF – NIGHT
Dalek Commander ZOG glares at his squad.

ZOG: THE HUMANS LAUGH AT US. THEY MOCK. THEY CALL POG… SHINY BIN.
POG (miserable): I AM NOT A BIN.

Zog slams his plunger.
ZOG: THEN WE SHALL SEIZE POWER… THROUGH ELECTION!

Cut to the next morning: the village plastered with slogans:

  • VOTE DALEK – EXTERMINATE POTHOLES!
  • DALEKS FOR A BETTER BALLYKILLDUFF!
  • FREE JAM FOR ALL! OBEY OUR MANIFESTO!

Villagers stare, baffled. Mrs. McGillicuddy mutters, “Well, I wouldn’t mind the jam.”

CUT TO BLACK.
CLIFFHANGER: Posters glow ominously — the Daleks have activated subliminal obey-waves.

Episode Two — Hustings of Horror

INT. PARISH HALL – NIGHT
The hustings begin. Candidates:

  • Bridget McGillicuddy: “More sheep, fewer tractors!”
  • Seamus O’Toole: “Lower turf taxes!”
  • Daleks: “OBEY! VOTE! EXTERMINATE OPPOSITION!”

The crowd gasps as Dalek Pog tries to shake hands, accidentally plunging a voter’s hat. Dalek Zag vaporises the tea urn.

ZAG: HOT BEVERAGES ARE TREASON.

Father Murphy sighs. “They don’t understand democracy.”

INT. PUB – LATER
Dalek Zag, after a pint poured into his vents, sings “Danny Boy” in monotone. The villagers cheer.

ZOG (fuming): THIS IS NOT POLICY. THIS IS… KARAOKE.

CUT TO BLACK.
CLIFFHANGER: A villager faints as subliminal slogans suddenly flare across the parish hall walls: “VOTE DALEK OR ELSE.”

Episode Three — Canvassing Carnage

EXT. VILLAGE LANES – DAY
The Daleks roll door-to-door.

ZOG: HELLO CITIZEN. HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THE BENEFITS OF VOTING DALEK?

At one farm, a chicken lays three eggs in panic. At another, a wheelbarrow is exterminated, then replaced with a “Hover-Plunger Transport System.”

Meanwhile, Dalek Pog accidentally gets wedged in a garden gate. Children throw cabbages at him.

INT. O’ROURKE’S PUB – NIGHT
The Daleks hold a “rally.” Villagers drink, laugh, and applaud. Dalek Zag starts doing stand-up comedy:

ZAG: TWO HUMANS WALK INTO A PUB. THEY ARE EXTERMINATED. END OF JOKE.

The crowd roars with laughter. Zog fumes.

CUT TO BLACK.
CLIFFHANGER: Behind the bar, the subliminal slogan projector sparks into overdrive, bathing the whole pub in flickering light — villagers’ eyes glaze…

Episode Four — Polling Day Panic

EXT. POLLING STATION – DAY
The Daleks patrol outside, chanting:
ALL DALEK: VOTE! VOTE! EXTERMINATE ABSTENTIONS!

Inside, chaos reigns. The ballot paper has an extra box: YES TO DALEK SUPREMACY.

A farmer ticks it by mistake, thinking it’s a raffle for spuds.

Dalek Pog, still stuck from earlier, attempts to “monitor democracy from within the ballot box” and topples it. Papers scatter everywhere.

INT. POLLING HALL – NIGHT
Father Murphy counts votes. The Daleks loom.

Father Murphy reads:
“Bridget McGillicuddy: 240 votes.
Seamus O’Toole: 215 votes.
Daleks… 2 votes. Plus one spoiled ballot marked ‘Daleks bake good scones.’”

ZOG (screaming): ERROR! ERROR! LANDSLIDE VICTORY MISSING!

CUT TO BLACK.
CLIFFHANGER: The subliminal system suddenly hijacks the PA system — the crowd begins chanting in unison: “OBEY THE DALEKS!”

Episode Five — The Mob of Obedience

EXT. VILLAGE SQUARE – NIGHT
The subliminal waves hit full strength. Villagers march in eerie lockstep, chanting “OBEY! VOTE DALEK!”

Zog beams. “AT LAST, VICTORY!”

But things get… strange.

  • A farmer kneels before Dalek Pog and declares him King of Wheelie Bins.
  • Bridget McGillicuddy dons a saucepan on her head and calls herself Supreme Human.
  • The villagers begin painting houses grey and demanding compulsory céilí lessons.

POG (worried): COMMANDER, THEY ARE OUT-DALEKING US.
ZOG (panicked): THIS IS NOT OBEDIENCE. THIS IS… COMPETITION.

The villagers surround the Daleks, chanting louder.

CUT TO BLACK.
CLIFFHANGER: Mrs. McGillicuddy steps forward with a mop like a weapon: “Your reign is over. Ballykillduff belongs to us!”

Episode Six — Exterminate the Potholes

EXT. SQUARE – DAWN
The Daleks are cornered. The villagers demand free scones, jam, and weekly bingo in exchange for obedience.

Zog stutters.
ZOG: WE WANTED TO RULE. WE HAVE BECOME… ROAD REPAIR OPERATIVES.

Bridget McGillicuddy appoints them Honorary Councillors for Road Maintenance.

From that day, the Daleks are tasked with exterminating potholes. With their death-rays, Ballykillduff soon boasts the smoothest, most immaculate roads in Ireland. Tourists come from miles to admire them.

There are occasional scorch marks. A few melted sheep. But the boreens gleam.

EPILOGUE: At the next election, the Daleks once again stand as candidates. Their new slogan:

“VOTE DALEK! WE MAY NOT FIX THE WORLD… BUT THE ROADS ARE LOVELY!”

To everyone’s shock… they come second.

THE END (UNTIL THE NEXT ELECTION).

 

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