Dalek Zag had always been a little… different

Dalek Zag and the Holy Orders

Dalek Zag had always been a little… different. While the rest of the Ballykillduff Dalek detachment was busy either failing to conquer the post office or attending the weekly bake-off, Zag spent his time asking strange questions.

“WHAT IS THE MEANING… OF EXISTENCE?”
“WHY IS THERE JAM?”
“IF GOD CREATED EVERYTHING, DID HE ALSO CREATE THE TEAPOT IN PADDY MCFLANAGAN’S SHOP WINDOW?”

One day, after accidentally trundling into Sunday Mass at St. Brendan’s Church (he thought it was a “strategic assembly”), Zag listened to Father O’Malley’s homily. Something in his servo circuits stirred.

“THIS… IS… IT!” Zag cried. “I SHALL BECOME… A CATHOLIC PRIEST!”

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The Application Process

Father O’Malley tried to explain that Holy Orders were generally reserved for humans, or at least beings without built-in laser cannons. Zag insisted. He wheeled into the parish office, slammed his plunger on the desk, and declared:

“I HAVE FAITH. I HAVE ZEAL. I HAVE… A COLLECTION PLATE ATTACHMENT.”

Somehow, Bishop Mulrooney was persuaded to “at least give the poor fella a shot” after Zag recited the Nicene Creed flawlessly (albeit in a booming monotone that rattled the stained glass).

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Training Days

Zag’s seminary training was… unconventional.

• His “gentle pastoral visits” to parishioners usually involved barging through hedges and shouting, “BLESSINGS! DO NOT RESIST!”
• At confession, his booming “ELABORATE ON YOUR SINS!” had people queuing out the door—mostly to run away.
• He baptised babies with a high-pressure spray attachment, which was effective but caused some infants to hover briefly in mid-air.

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The Trouble With Mass

Zag’s first Mass as an ordained Dalek-priest was one Ballykillduff will never forget.

The opening hymn was cut short when his voice box overpowered the choir. During the Gospel reading, he accidentally switched on his exterminator beam, setting fire to the missal. His homily began:

“MY CHILDREN… THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD… ALL OTHER SHEPHERDS WILL BE… EXTERMINATED!”

When it came time to give the sign of peace, Zag mistook it for “tactical pacification” and immobilised three altar servers with a stun setting.

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The Pope Gets Involved

Word reached the Vatican. The Pope, baffled but intrigued, sent a polite letter:

Dear Dalek Zag,
While your enthusiasm is… admirable, we feel the priesthood may not be the optimal use of your… talents. Perhaps consider a role in church security.

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The Final Straw

The turning point came at a wedding. Zag, in full vestments, rolled dramatically down the aisle, intoned “DO YOU TAKE THIS HUMAN… FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE?” and accidentally blasted the wedding cake into the organ loft.

Father O’Malley took him aside. “Zag, maybe your calling is… somewhere else.”

Zag thought for a long time. Finally, he announced, “I WILL BECOME… THE WORLD’S FIRST DALek… MONK.”

And off he trundled to the hills, vowing to live a life of quiet contemplation, prayer, and the occasional extremely loud chant that could be heard three parishes over

Dalek Zag’s Holy Mission

In Ballykillduff there came a day,
When Dalek Zag rolled up to pray,
He heard the bells, the choir too,
And thought, Well this is something new!

He told the priest, “I HAVE A CALL!
TO BLESS, ABSOLVE, AND SAVE YOU ALL!
MY FAITH IS STRONG, MY AIM IS TRUE,
AND I’VE A BUILT-IN PEW FOR TWO!”

He passed the plate with deadly grace,
While glaring at each parish face,
“DONATE! DONATE!” his voice would ring,
(It made the church mice drop their string).

His sermons boomed, the candles shook,
The altar servers dared not look,
He sprinkled holy water wide—
Three nuns got drenched, but took it in stride.

And though his methods caused some fright,
They say his heart was pure and right,
For Zag had found, to his surprise,
That love of God could exterminate lies.

So if you hear, in Mass one day,
A voice like thunder start to pray,
Fear not the clang of metal feet—
It’s Father Zag, up Blessing Street.