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The Dalek Bake-Off

It began, as most disasters in Ballykillduff do, on a quiet Tuesday morning. The cows were chewing cud, Mrs. McGillicuddy was hanging her bloomers on the line, and the Daleks were plotting world domination from the back room of O’Rourke’s pub.

But there was a problem.

The humans weren’t paying attention. No one cowered. No one screamed. Instead, they went about their business, leaving the Daleks feeling neglected.

The Supreme Dalek wheeled forward and declared:
“THE HUMANS IGNORE US. OUR INVASION IS FAILING.”
Another Dalek suggested:
“WE MUST WIN THEIR HEARTS… THROUGH BAKED GOODS.”

And so, with deadly seriousness, the Daleks entered the Great Ballykillduff Bake-Off.

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Chapter One: Ready, Set, Bake!

The Bake-Off tent was crowded with locals clutching mixing bowls and wooden spoons. Suddenly, the flap burst open and six Daleks rolled in, their ray guns replaced with whisks, spatulas, and icing nozzles.

“WE SHALL DECORATE!” they screeched in unison.

The judges—Mrs. O’Malley and Father Murphy—looked at one another, shrugged, and rang the bell to begin.

Chaos erupted.

• One Dalek filled its plunger with flour and blasted it everywhere.
• Another tried to crack eggs but crushed them into omelette slime.
• Dalek Zeg proudly announced, “VICTORIA SPONGE EXTERMINATE!” and reduced his cake tin to ashes.

Yet somehow, in the confusion, the Daleks managed to produce a range of… edible horrors.

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Chapter Two: Technical Round – Scones

The technical challenge was simple: bake six perfect scones.

For humans, yes.
For Daleks, no.

Dalek Splinter began channeling Mrs. O’Reilly (one of his many personalities):
“Ah, sure, a soft hand is needed, no heavy mixing, love.”
The scones came out golden and fluffy.

Meanwhile, the others produced:

• Radioactive scones glowing bright green.
• Scones so hard they cracked the judge’s dentures.
• One scone shaped suspiciously like a death ray.

Mrs. O’Malley bravely nibbled Splinter’s and sighed:
“Well now, that’s grand.”

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Chapter Three: Showstopper Chaos

For the final challenge, contestants had to create a showstopper cake representing “What Ballykillduff Means to Me.”

The humans produced charming little cottages, rolling hills, and farm animals.

The Daleks?

• Dalek Zag built a ten-tier chocolate fortress with turrets.
• Dalek Zeg created a sponge in the shape of a giant dustbin (he still had feelings).
• One Dalek baked a cake so heavy it collapsed the table, the tent, and half the car park.

The villagers gasped in awe. Never had Ballykillduff seen such madness in icing form.

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Chapter Four: Judging Disaster

Father Murphy cleared his throat. “Well, I must admit, your efforts are… unique.”

At that moment, Dalek Splinter switched personalities again—into Brother Patrick the monk—who blessed the cakes with holy water. This caused the radioactive scones to fizz, the dustbin sponge to collapse, and Zag’s chocolate fortress to explode like a cannon.

The entire tent was buried in cream, jam, and sponge debris.

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Chapter Five: The Unexpected Ending

When the mess cleared, the villagers burst into applause.

“Sure, that was the best entertainment we’ve had in years!” cried Mrs. McGillicuddy, licking jam from her elbows.

The judges, covered head to toe in buttercream, announced:
“The Daleks are the winners. For sheer spectacle and chaos.”

The Daleks were stunned.
“WE… WON? BY BAKING?”

From that day on, they abandoned their plans of extermination and opened a bakery instead:

“EXTERMINATE & DECORATE – The Dalek Cake Emporium.”

People travelled for miles to taste their scones, though everyone gave the radioactive ones a wide berth.

And in Ballykillduff, it was said forevermore:
“The day the Daleks baked was the day the world was saved—one sponge at a time.”