Doctor Poo and the Bidet of Destiny

Doctor Poo and the Bidet of Destiny

It had been three days since the Chrono-U-Bend of Doom had swallowed Captain Kleenex, a packet of crisps, and half of Mrs Blunderwaddle’s living room. Everything was back to “normal” — that is, if you ignore the fact that her downstairs toilet occasionally hummed the theme from EastEnders.

Suddenly — VRRRRRRRP! — the Time Toilet materialised once more, leaking steam and gravy.

Out stepped Doctor Poo, clutching a plunger in one hand and a steaming mug of lukewarm tea in the other.

“I came as soon as I felt a cosmic ripple in the cisterns of time,” he said.

“Something… sinister… has wiped back in.”

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Enter: The Bidet

In a secret bathroom beneath the Vatican (as all the really dangerous things are), something ancient stirred. Something forbidden. Something… that squirted.

The Bidet of Destiny, forged during the Great Bathroom Renaissance by the monks of Sanitarian Order, had reactivated. It was once used only by the most noble of bottoms — but now… now it had been claimed by a villain more dangerous than Captain Kleenex ever was.

His name: Admiral Air-Freshener.

A half-man, half-dispenser hybrid, Admiral Air-Freshener planned to dehumidify the multiverse, removing all dampness, awkward smells, and humanity itself.

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Team Toilet Assembles

Doctor Poo realised he couldn’t do this alone.

He recruited:

• Nanny Flushbucket, the Time Nanny with a handbag full of explosive soap.
• Sir Loofah the Moist, a medieval knight cursed to eternally exfoliate.
• And of course, Mrs Blunderwaddle, now upgraded with cyber-toilet armour and a grappling bog brush.

They flew through time on the LavNav-9, powered by pure embarrassment and six AA batteries.

Their destination? The Bidet Temple of Tidium in the far-off galaxy of Androopeda.

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The Showdown

Inside the Temple, Admiral Air-Freshener cackled and pressed his big red SPRAY button.

A cloud of eucalyptus-mint horror burst forth. Galaxies began to smell vaguely of dentists and disappointment.

Doctor Poo stood tall. “You know what your plan lacks, Admiral?”

“Hmm?”

“A sense of… urgency!”

And with that, he hurled the sacred Toilet Roll of Rassflusher into the Bidet of Destiny. It jammed. The spray reversed. Admiral Air-Freshener was sucked into the nozzle and ejected violently into a nearby changing room in IKEA.

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Flushed With Victory

The multiverse was safe.

The air, only mildly perfumed.

Doctor Poo gave one last wave before disappearing back into the Time Toilet, which promptly vanished in a puff of lemon-scented steam.

Mrs Blunderwaddle returned to her life of scones, mild mystery novels, and now, interdimensional gardening.

Doctor Poo and the Bidet of Destiny

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Next time…

Doctor Poo and the Shower Curtain of Chaos
A tale of terror, mildew, and slipping hazards across the fabric of time.