Dalek Hearts: The Dating Agency of Doom

It was a foggy Friday morning when the Daleks finally admitted their invasion of Ballykillduff was, once again, going very badly.

No one trembled. No one screamed. In fact, Mrs. McGillicuddy had knitted one a woolly hat and Father Murphy had sprinkled another with holy water just to “keep him warm.”

The Supreme Dalek declared:
“THE HUMANS DO NOT FEAR US. THEY MOCK US. WE MUST… UNDERSTAND THEM.”

And thus was born the most ridiculous plan in Dalek history:
The Ballykillduff Dalek Dating Agency.

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Chapter One: Setting Up Shop

The Daleks commandeered the old post office, replacing the letters and stamps with filing cabinets of romance dossiers.

On the wall hung a huge banner:
“LOVE IS INEVITABLE. EXTERMINATE LONELINESS!”

Dalek Zag was appointed “Head Matchmaker,” mostly because he’d already fallen in love with a collection plate at the church. He insisted this made him qualified.

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Chapter Two: First Clients

The first client was shy farmer Patrick O’Toole.
“I’m lookin’ for a lass who doesn’t mind mud, cows, or me smellin’ of silage.”

The Daleks studied his form and whirred.
“YOU ARE COMPATIBLE WITH… A TRACTOR.”

Patrick was introduced to a Massey Ferguson 135 in the yard. To everyone’s surprise, the date went very well. He said later, “Sure, she’s red, shiny, and never answers back. Perfect woman.”

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Chapter Three: Dalek Dates

The Daleks, of course, tested the service themselves.

• Dalek Zeg was paired with a wheelie bin. Sparks flew. Literally.
• Dalek Zag went out with a kettle. The romance boiled over when it whistled.
• One Dalek was matched with Mrs. McGillicuddy’s budgie. The bird pecked its eyestalk, and the Dalek declared: “I FEEL… REJECTED.”

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Chapter Four: Chaos Ensues

Word spread. Soon the queue of lonely villagers stretched down the street.

But the Daleks didn’t quite understand human nuance.

• A schoolteacher looking for “a kind man with a steady job” was paired with a parking meter.
• A fisherman hoping for “a woman who loves the sea” got set up with a bucket of mackerel.
• Father Murphy himself was matched with a Dalek, to his great horror.

The pub was full of strange couples that night. One woman danced happily with a vending machine.

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Chapter Five: The Grand Finale

The Supreme Dalek rolled in to inspect the operation.
“REPORT! HAVE WE MASTERED HUMAN EMOTIONS?”

Dalek Zag proudly wheeled forward.
“YES. WE HAVE CREATED… LOVE.”

But just then, all the bizarre couples burst into arguments. The tractor ran out of diesel. The budgie flew away. The vending machine jammed. The wheelie bin toppled.

Chaos reigned.

The villagers shouted, the Daleks panicked, and in the confusion, the Supreme Dalek himself was accidentally matched… with Mrs. McGillicuddy.

And to everyone’s shock—she quite liked him.
“He’s stern, he’s tidy, and he’s never late. Could do worse,” she said, patting his casing.

The Supreme Dalek’s eyestalk drooped bashfully.
“ERROR. EMOTION DETECTED. MUST… PROCESS…”

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The Unexpected Ending

The Dating Agency closed the next morning, leaving Ballykillduff covered in broken scones, wheelie bins, and very confused villagers.

But every Sunday thereafter, Mrs. McGillicuddy and the Supreme Dalek were seen walking hand-in-plunger to church.

And thus it was whispered in Ballykillduff for years:
“Sure, love will find you anywhere—even if it’s in a Dalek.”