Ex-Terminate ‘n’ Laugh!
🎤 Ex-Terminate ‘n’ Laugh!
A Dalek Comedy Night in Ballykillduff
(Lights up in O’Shea’s pub. The snug is packed. A Dalek rolls onto the little stage, knocking over two barstools and nearly flattening the accordion player.)
Dalek (into mic):
“GOOD EVENING HUMANS! WELCOME TO EX-TER-MIN-ATE ‘N’ LAUGH! TONIGHT’S SHOW IS RATED E FOR… EX-TER-MIN-ATION!”
Opening Gags
Dalek:
“SO. I HEAR SOME OF YOU DO NOT LIKE AI- GENERATED DALEK PICTURES!”
(Gasps, groans from the audience.)
Dalek (menacing):
“OH, SO MY CASING IS ‘TOO SHINY’? MY EYESTALK IS ‘TOO BLUE’? HUMANS, WHEN I MELT YOUR FACE WITH A LASER, YOU WILL CALL IT CONTEMPORARY PERFORMANCE ART!”
Heckler #1: The Farmer
Farmer (shouting):
“Yer picture last week made me look like I was made of potatoes!”
Dalek (whirls):
“YES. A PERFECT REPRESENTATION. RENDERED IN 4K. YOU WERE ALREADY 70% MASHED!”
(Crowd roars with laughter.)
The Instagram Rant
Dalek (snapping back to rant):
“I TRIED INSTAGRAM. I POSTED A SELFIE: #KILLERLOOK. HOW MANY LIKES DID I GET? ONE! …FROM MY MOTHER! THANK YOU, MUM.”
Heckler #2: Old Man at the Bar:
“Yer mam’s on Instagram?”
Dalek:
“YES. @CHROMEMAMA69. SHE HAS MORE FOLLOWERS THAN ME. IT IS HUMILIATING.”
The Art Critics
Dalek (mocking voice):
“‘OOOH, YOUR USE OF LIGHT IS WRONG! TOO DRAMATIC!’ LISTEN, CRITIC. I DO NOT USE LIGHT. I FIRE LIGHT. INTO YOUR FACE!”
(Dalek shoots a pint glass off the counter with a zap. Audience applauds wildly.)
Influencer Dreams
Dalek:
“I TRIED TO BE AN INFLUENCER. I DID A TIKTOK DANCE. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FLOSS WITH A PLUNGER ARM?! I SPUN ONCE… AND ACCIDENTALLY EVAPORATED RATHVILLY. AGAIN.”
Heckler #3 (woman in shawl):
“You’re a menace, not an influencer!”
Dalek (deadpan):
“WRONG. I AM A NANO-INFLUENCER. I INFLUENCE MOLECULES. INTO VAPOR.”
Closing Bit
Dalek (puffing up proudly):
“SO NEXT TIME YOU SAY: ‘I DO NOT LIKE AI DALEK PICTURES,’ REMEMBER THIS: I AM NOT JUST A MACHINE OF WAR… I AM A BEAUTIFUL, SENSITIVE, CHROME-PLATED BUTTERFLY!”
(Beat. The Dalek lowers its eyestalk.)
“…WHO WILL NOW EX-TER-MIN-AAAATE YOUR ENTIRE GALLERY!”
(The pub erupts in chaos — tables tipping, accordion wailing, humans fleeing. Lights cut out as the Dalek’s eyestalk glows one last time.)
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🎭 Ex-Terminate ‘n’ Laugh Again!
The Ballykillduff Pub Owner’s Mistake
(Scene opens the morning after the Dalek comedy disaster. O’Shea, the pub owner, is sweeping up broken glass, still grumbling.)
O’Shea (muttering):
“Never again. Not in my pub. I don’t care if they promise ‘five minutes tight material’ — those tin cans caused more damage than the Tidy Towns skeletons and the Rathvilly Pipe Band combined.”
(Door creaks. A Dalek rolls in, wearing a bowler hat at a jaunty angle.)
Dalek:
“GOOD MORNING, PUB OWNER. WE ARE HERE TO APOLOGISE.”
O’Shea:
“Too late. You’re banned. No more comedy nights. Not even karaoke!”
(Two more Daleks roll in behind, each wearing scarves, holding clipboards, and looking suspiciously like theatre students.)
Second Dalek:
“INCORRECT. YOU CANNOT BAN US. BECAUSE TONIGHT… IS IMPROV NIGHT!”
The Improv Games Begin
(By evening, the pub is packed again — locals squeezed in, wary but curious. A painted bedsheet reads: “YES-AND-TERMINATE.”)
Dalek MC:
“WELCOME TO IMPROV! GIVE US A SUGGESTION, HUMANS!”
Farmer (heckling):
“A potato!”
Dalek (instantly):
“I AM A POTATO. I HAVE BEEN MASHED. I HAVE BEEN BOILED. BUT I WILL NOT BE FRIED… I WILL BE EX-TER-MIN-ATED!”
(Audience laughs nervously. A skeleton from Ballykillduff claps.)
Dalek MC:
“ANOTHER SUGGESTION!”
Old Man at Bar:
“Confession box!”
*Two Daleks roll together, one pretending to be a priest, the other kneeling awkwardly on its plunger arm.)
Dalek ‘Priest’:
“TELL ME YOUR SINS.”
Dalek ‘Confessor’:
“I ATE THE LAST PACKET OF CRISPS… AND BLAMED IT ON THE HUMANS.”
Dalek ‘Priest’:
“FOR THIS YOU SHALL BE… FORGIVEN. BUT ALSO EX-TER-MIN-ATED!”
(Crowd roars with laughter this time — they’re starting to enjoy it.)
The Pub Owner’s Defeat
O’Shea (head in hands):
“Sweet suffering saints… the crowd actually likes this?”
Skeleton (from Rathvilly, shouting):
“They’re funnier than the lads you booked for St Patrick’s night!”
Dalek MC (grand finale):
“THANK YOU HUMANS! REMEMBER: IMPROV IS ALL ABOUT SAYING ‘YES… AND… EX-TER-MIN-AAAATE!’ GOOD NIGHT!”
(Thunderous applause, accordion encore, humans throwing peanuts at the stage. O’Shea slumps against the counter, realising he’s lost total control of his pub.)
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🎭 The Ballykillduff Drama Festival Presents… The Daleks Do Shakespeare
(The old parish hall is jammed. Bunting hangs from the rafters. On stage: a cardboard castle wall, painted badly. A hand-written sign reads: “HAMLET — REINTERPRETED BY DALEKS.”)
Act One: To Be or Not To Be
Dalek Hamlet (rolling centre stage):
“TO BE… OR NOT TO BE… THAT IS THE QUES-TION.”
(Beat. Dalek swivels dramatically.)
“WHETHER ‘TIS NOBLER IN THE MIND… TO SUFFER… OR TO EX-TER-MIN-AAAATE.”
(Crowd laughs. A skeleton in the front row claps politely.)
Act Two: The Balcony Scene
(A second Dalek, wearing a cheap wig, rolls onto stage as Juliet. It beeps coquettishly.)
Dalek Juliet:
“O ROMEO, ROMEO! WHEREFORE ART THOU, ROMEO?”
Dalek Romeo (from below balcony, looking up):
“I AM DOWN HERE. I CANNOT CLIMB STAIRS.”
(Huge laugh from the Ballykillduff crowd. Someone yells, “’Tis true!”)
Act Three: Macbeth
Dalek Macbeth (thundering voice):
“IS THIS A DAGGER I SEE BEFORE ME? NO… IT IS A LASER. MUCH MORE EFFICIENT. EX-TER-MIN-AAAATE MACDUFF!”
(Macduff, played by a human volunteer, runs screaming from the stage. The Dalek fires at a prop tree, which explodes into flames. Audience cheers wildly.)
Intermission
O’Shea (the pub owner, groaning to the mayor):
“I said they’d wreck the place, didn’t I? Now half the set is ash.”
Mayor (laughing too hard to care):
“They’re the best thing that’s happened to Ballykillduff since the Tidy Towns skeletons. Book them again!”
Finale: King Lear
Dalek Lear (in tin foil crown):
“HOWL, HOWL, HOWL! MY DAUGHTERS HAVE BETRAYED ME! THEY SHALL BE… DELETED FROM FAMILY GROUP CHAT!”
(Crowd roars. The accordion player strikes up. The Daleks bow stiffly, knocking over the fake castle wall. Curtain falls with a crash.)
Aftermath
Judge of the Drama Festival (tearfully):
“In forty years of judging theatre, I have never seen… anything quite like this.”
Dalek Hamlet (proudly):
“DO WE WIN?”
Judge (sniffles):
“You don’t win… you are the festival.”
(Standing ovation. Humans, skeletons, and even Rathvilly begrudgingly applaud. The Daleks spin happily, chanting “TO BE! TO BE! TO BE!” as the curtain falls again.)
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🎭 Daleks at the Fringe!
The Day Edinburgh Fell to Comedy
Arrival in Scotland
(A train pulls into Waverley Station. The doors open. A line of Daleks roll out, each carrying a tote bag reading “FRINGE IS LIFE.” Tourists scatter.)
Dalek Leader:
“ATTENTION HUMANS! WE HAVE COME… TO TAKE THE FRINGE BY STORM. ALSO TO EX-TER-MIN-ATE THE BAGPIPES.”
(Bagpiper nearby stops mid-note and runs for his life.)
The Poster Campaign
All across Edinburgh, posters appear overnight:
- “YES-AND-TERMINATE: DALEK IMPROV”
- “MACBETH BUT WITH MORE LASERS”
- “A ONE-PLUNGER SHOW”
Locals wake up to find even Greyfriars Bobby wearing a paper eyestalk.
First Performance: Improv on the Mile
Dalek MC (on Royal Mile):
“GIVE US A SUGGESTION, HUMANS!”
Tourist:
“Uh… haggis?”
Dalek:
“I AM A HAGGIS. SMALL. ROUND. FILLED WITH ORGANS. I MUST BE… EX-TER-MIN-ATED!”
(Crowd of Americans applauds, thinking it’s street theatre. A passing critic scribbles “five stars — deeply political.”)
Shakespeare… Again
(At a late-night venue, Daleks perform “Hamlet, But Louder.”)
Dalek Hamlet:
“ALAS, POOR YORICK! I EX-TER-MIN-ATED HIM MYSELF!”
(The skull prop explodes. Critics in the front row faint. Others note it was “a bold subversion of death.”)
Hecklers in Scotland
Scottish Heckler:
“Yer rubbish! Ye sound like a rusty kettle!”
Dalek (whirls):
“CORRECT. I AM A RUSTY KETTLE. WOULD YOU LIKE SOME TEA… OR JUST EX-TER-MIN-ATION?”
(Crowd howls with laughter. Heckler grudgingly claps.)
Chaos at the Fringe Awards
(The Festival ends. Judges gather to announce winners. The Daleks roll in, glitter stuck to their casings, plunger arms covered in stickers.)
Judge:
“And the award for Best Experimental Performance goes to…”
Daleks (in unison):
“THE DALEKS! THE FRINGE BELONGS TO US!”
(They fire lasers into the ceiling. Confetti rains down. The audience goes wild, unsure if they’ve been conquered or entertained.)
Aftermath
BBC News headline the next day:
“DALEKS STEAL THE SHOW AT EDINBURGH FRINGE — SCOTLAND BOTH TERRIFIED AND DELIGHTED.”
Tourists queue for hours to buy Dalek merch: eyestalk hats, “EX-TER-MIN-AAAATE!” mugs, and tea towels with the slogan:
“TO BE… OR NOT TO BE… IS IRRELEVANT.”
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🎬 Dalek: Live from Ballykillduff
A Netflix Comedy Special
Opening Scene
*(Drone shot over Ballykillduff at night. The old parish hall is lit up like a stadium. Spotlights sweep the fields. Sheep scatter. Banner outside reads: “ONE NIGHT ONLY — DALEK: LIVE!”)
Inside, the crowd is buzzing. Humans, skeletons, even a few confused sheep squeeze into the hall. Suddenly, the lights cut out. A single blue eyestalk light pierces the darkness.*
Dalek Voice (booming):
“GOOD EVENING, NETFLIX! ARE YOU READY… TO BE ENTERTAINED OR EX-TER-MIN-AAAATED?”
(Crowd erupts. Theme music: accordion remix of the Doctor Who theme.)
Opening Rant
Dalek:
“I HEARD HUMANS SAY… ‘DALEKS COULD NEVER BE FUNNY.’ INCORRECT. WE ARE HILARIOUS. OUR TIMING IS PERFECT. OUR DELIVERY IS DEADLY.”
(Beat. Crowd laughs nervously. Dalek swivels menacingly.)
“SEE? COMEDY GOLD.”
On Art Critics
Dalek:
“THE CRITICS SAID MY AI PICTURES WERE ‘TOO METALLIC.’ TOO METALLIC?! I AM MADE OF METAL. THAT IS LIKE SAYING HUMANS ARE TOO… FLESHY.”
(Audience howls. Cutaway to Netflix subtitles: [METALLIC LAUGHTER].)
On Instagram
Dalek:
“I POSTED A SELFIE: #BLESSED #CHROMEGOALS. DID I GET LIKES? NO. ONLY ONE. FROM MY MOTHER. THANK YOU, MUM. @CHROMEMAMA69. FOLLOW HER. SHE IS AN INFLUENCER.”
(Screen behind shows Dalek mum posing with a plunger in Santorini. Audience loses it.)
On Influencer Life
Dalek:
“I TRIED TO BE A TIKTOK STAR. I ATTEMPTED THE FLOSS DANCE. BUT WITH PLUNGER ARM IT IS IMPOSSIBLE. I SPUN ONCE… AND EX-TER-MIN-ATED HALF OF RATHVILLY.”
(Big laugh. Subtitle: [RATHVILLY SAYS HI].)
Audience Interaction
Dalek (pointing eyestalk at front row):
“YOU! HUMAN! GIVE ME A WORD FOR IMPROV!”
Man in cap:
“Tractor!”
Dalek:
“I AM A TRACTOR. I PULL. I PLOW. I SOW THE FIELDS WITH YOUR REMAINS. SCENIC. AGRICULTURAL. DEADLY.”
(Crowd howls, skeletons clapping bones together.)
Grand Finale
Dalek (dramatic):
“SO REMEMBER, HUMANS. WHEN YOU SEE AN AI PICTURE OF ME AND SAY… ‘I DO NOT LIKE IT’… KNOW THIS: I AM MORE THAN JUST A MACHINE OF WAR. I AM AN ARTIST. A POET. A STAR!”
(Beat. Dalek’s eyestalk glows brighter.)
“…AND NOW, NETFLIX… YOU ARE ALL… EX-TER-MIN-AAAATED!”
(Explosion of confetti cannons. Crowd cheers wildly. Accordion theme reprises as credits roll.)
Post-Credits Scene
(Cut to backstage. Dalek sips oil through a straw.)
Dalek (sighs):
“THIS IS NICE. I HOPE WE GET A SECOND SEASON.”
The Crazymad Writer Writes Again 