Dalek Splinter

Chapter One: The Confusion

One moment, Splinter was the most fearsome Dalek in Ballykillduff:
“I AM THE SUPERIOR BEING! BOW TO MY MIGHT!”

The next moment, he was Mrs. O’Reilly, a kindly woman from County Clare, who loved nothing more than baking brown bread:
“Oh, love, you must come inside and have a slice, fresh out of the oven, with a bit of jam.”

Then he’d snap into Sean, a mechanic from Dublin:
“Jaysus, the plunger’s jammed again. Get me a spanner, will ya?”

The other Daleks didn’t know what to do with him.
“YOUR PERSONALITY IS… INEFFICIENT!”
“YOU CANNOT BE HUMAN AND DALEK!”
But Splinter couldn’t help it. His casing rattled every time the voices fought.

Chapter Two: Therapy Attempt

In desperation, the Daleks dragged Splinter back to Dr. Harold Cuddlepuff, Ballykillduff’s long-suffering psychiatrist.

“SO, DOCTOR,” Splinter said in his metallic boom, “I REQUIRE… DIAGNOSIS.”
Then he shifted instantly into a soft Irish lilt:
“Ah no, doctor, don’t mind him. He’s fierce cranky after a long day.”

Dr. Cuddlepuff blinked. “Fascinating… you appear to be manifesting a complete set of alternate identities.”

Splinter replied in a squeaky child’s voice:
“I wanna be a fireman when I grow up!”

The doctor scribbled furiously. Possible rare case of Dalek Dissociative Identity Disorder. Recommend biscuits and group therapy.

Chapter Three: The Escalation

Things got stranger. In battle practice, Splinter would start as a ruthless Dalek:
“FIRE! EXTERMINATE THE TARGET!”
Then, halfway through, he’d become Brother Patrick, a gentle monk:
“Peace be with you, my child. Have you considered forgiveness instead of lasers?”

The enemy targets (old traffic cones) ended up very confused.

At one point, Splinter even manifested Napoleon Bonaparte, demanding a horse and a bicorne hat. The villagers thought this was normal enough for Ballykillduff.

Chapter Four: The Crisis

The Supreme Dalek eventually lost patience.
“SPLINTER. YOU ARE A MALFUNCTION. YOU WILL BE DELETED.”

But Splinter shouted back—this time in all of his voices at once:
“No, I’m not! / You can’t! / Please don’t! / Jaysus, give us a chance, boss!”

For the first time in Dalek history, the Supreme was speechless.

Chapter Five: The Unexpected Ending

Late one night, Splinter rolled into the pub. He switched into every personality in turn—Mrs. O’Reilly ordered tea, Sean fixed the dartboard, Brother Patrick blessed the Guinness, and Napoleon tried to annex the snug.

The villagers loved him.
“He’s the best craic we’ve ever had,” said old Mr. Brennan, clinking his glass.
“A whole pub quiz team in one Dalek!”

And so, rather than being exterminated, Splinter was crowned the Official Ballykillduff Entertainer.

The other Daleks were baffled.
“HOW CAN A MALFUNCTION… SUCCEED?”
But Splinter simply winked (or tried to—his eyestalk jammed halfway).

Inside, the voices chuckled.
Sometimes, being many things at once was exactly what Ballykillduff needed.