The Ballykillduff Banger (A Mad Poem)
In Ballykillduff where the hedgehogs roam,
Lived Jimmy McGroggan in a bathtub home.
With a mind like a blender on setting “explode,”
He built a wild car that defied every code.
He cobbled it up from a lawnmower’s spleen,
A toaster, a tricycle, parts of a bean.
The wheels were all different—one square, one round,
One came from a pram that he found on the ground.
The steering was made from a bent frying pan,
The horn was just Jimmy yelling, “OUTTA ME VAN!”
It ran on potatoes, or tea bags, or jam,
And made noises like sneezing a whole Christmas ham.
It backfired at priests and startled the sheep,
It clattered and clanged like a robot with sleep.
It once outran lightning, then stalled at a bog,
And reversed on its own into Mrs. McGog.
The windscreen was glass from an oven that died,
The passenger seat was a toilet with pride.
He raced through the village, past bins and the nuns,
Screaming, “I’VE INVENTED THE FUTURE—WITH BUNS!”
The guards tried to stop him with road spikes and nets,
But he flew through the air yelling, “NO REGRETS!”
He landed in cabbage, still puffing with glee,
Shouting, “SHE FLIES LIKE A TRACTOR IN ECSTASY!”
Now tourists all visit to worship the wreck,
Which smokes once a week and pecks like a peck.
It’s parked by the pub, with a plaque in fine brass:
“This banger was faster than gas, horse, or lass!”
So raise up your spanners and sing, if you dare,
Of Jimmy McGroggan and his wheeled nightmare.
For though it made chaos, and startled ten cows—
It’s the pride of Ballykillduff even now.
The Crazymad Writer Writes Again 