In the misty backroads of Ballykillduff, County Carlow, where the sheep outnumber the people and the only traffic jam is when Mrs. O’Leary’s cow decides to have a lie-down in the middle of the R726, something very peculiar happened one Tuesday.
A meteorite the size of a small tractor crashed into Farmer Murphy’s best potato field. Everyone expected radioactive spuds or at least a good story for the pub. Instead, out crawled three very confused Daleks.
They looked around, eyestalks swivelling like malfunctioning windscreen wipers.
“WHERE ARE WE?” screeched the first one, voice echoing across the hedges.
“SCANNING… LOCATION: BALLYKILLDUFF… IRELAND… POPULATION: MOSTLY SHEEP AND OLD MEN WHO SMELL OF TURF.”
“THIS IS NOT SKARO,” the second one muttered. “THE DOCTOR HAS TRICKED US AGAIN.”
The third Dalek, who had clearly landed on his plunger, wobbled sideways. “MY PLUNGER IS STUCK IN A COW PAT. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.”
They decided to conquer the village. Standard procedure.
First stop: Paddy’s pub.
They burst through the door (well, the first one did; the other two got wedged in the frame because Daleks aren’t great with narrow Irish doorways).
“EXTERMINATE ALL HUMANS!”
Old Paddy at the bar looked up from his pint. “Ah, would ye look at that. The circus is in town early this year.”
The Daleks swivelled their domes menacingly.
“YOU WILL OBEY THE DALEKS!”
Paddy took a slow sip. “Sure, lads, ye’re grand. But if ye’re here to conquer, ye’ll need to join the queue. The taxman got here first.”
The Daleks tried to exterminate the dartboard. The darts bounced off their casings and stuck in the ceiling. The regulars started a sweepstake on how long it would take for the “metal lads” to get stuck in the bog.
Next, they rolled down to the local GAA pitch, where the Ballykillduff Junior B team was training. The Daleks declared the pitch their new “Dalek Empire”.
The team captain, a lad called Seamus who once tackled a bullock for fun, eyed them. “Ye’re taking up the whole goalmouth. Move over, or I’ll bury ye under the subs’ bench.”
“WE ARE DALEKS! WE DO NOT MOVE FOR INFERIOR LIFE FORMS!”
Seamus shrugged, grabbed a hurley, and gave the lead Dalek a gentle tap. The Dalek spun like a top, arms flailing, and ploughed straight into the goal net. The net wrapped around it like a Christmas present gone wrong.
“EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! I AM ENTANGLED IN… NET!”
The other two Daleks tried to help, but ended up tangled too. Soon the whole team was using them as makeshift goalposts. The score ended 12-0, with the Daleks credited as “assists”.
By evening, the Daleks were in the village hall, surrounded by grannies knitting and children painting them with hurling club colours (green and gold, naturally). One granny had even stuck a tiny Aran jumper over the eyestalk.
“THIS IS NOT CONQUEST,” the lead Dalek whimpered.
“IT IS… COMMUNITY SERVICE.”
In the end, the Daleks didn’t conquer Ballykillduff. Ballykillduff conquered them.
They still live there, in a shed behind Murphy’s pub. They help with the silage (their plungers are surprisingly good at lifting bales), and every Christmas they perform a nativity play where they play the Three Wise Men. (The baby Jesus is a suspiciously shiny sheep.)
And if you ever drive through Ballykillduff on a quiet night, you might hear a faint, metallic voice drifting across the fields:
“EXTERMINATE… THE MIDGES!”
Because even Daleks can’t handle an Irish summer.
Here are some properly terrible, Dalek-flavoured dad jokes for you:
- Why did the Dalek go to therapy? It had too many suppressed exterminate feelings.
- What do you call a Dalek who’s really into gardening? A plant-exterminator.
- Why don’t Daleks play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding when your battle cry is “EX-TER-MI-NATE!”
- How do Daleks flirt? “You will be my valentine… OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED.”
- What’s a Dalek’s favourite type of music? Heavy metal… specifically anything with a lot of grinding and screaming.
- Why was the Dalek terrible at stand-up comedy? Every punchline ended with “AND THEN YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!”
- What did the Dalek say when it stubbed its plunger? “THIS IS PAIN! PAIN IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!”
- Why did the Dalek fail his driving test? He kept shouting “OBEY THE HIGHWAY CODE!” at pedestrians.
- How do Daleks pay for things? With extermination credits. (Cash is inferior.)
- What’s the difference between a Dalek and a bad date? The Dalek only wants to exterminate you after one drink.
Which one made you groan the loudest? 😄
The Crazymad Writer Writes Again 