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Author Archives: The Crazymad Writer

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About The Crazymad Writer

FREE EBOOKS FOR ALL, that's what I say, FREE EBOOKS FOR ALL, courtesy of ME, The Crazymad Writer. Stories for children and young at heart adults. And remember, my eBooks are FREE FREE FREE!

A Fart Poem

24 Apr

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud.

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known,
To sound just like a song.

Some farts do not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger awhile.

A fart can create
A most-curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, but deadly.

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairies,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of us
Sooner or later.

So be not afraid
Of the invisible gas,
For always remember,
That farts, too, shall pass.

*****************

Courtesy of http://www.thefartmachine.com

 
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Posted by on April 24, 2014 in humor, humour, joke

 

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Noddy and Big ears were out driving one day

22 Apr

Noddy and Big ears were out driving one day,

When they heard that poor Golliwog, he just could not stay,

He’s politically incorrect, they was told by their peers,

Golliwog must go — do we make ourselves clear?
*

*
Golliwog must go, but how can that be?

He is our dear friend — it just cannot be!

We have had such good times with him and his kin,

Golliwog, you stay, they said with a grin.
*

*
Leaning down harder on Noddy and friend,

Their peers chastised them with their words once again,

The powers that be say he is not good for the land,

Or the people within it: Golliwog is banned!
*

*
Golliwog is banned? Now we know that you’re bad,

Said Noddy and Big Ears, (they were getting quite mad),

To punish our friend, to exile him in disgrace,

Just because of his skin and the look of his face!
*
Fighting back harder, Noddy and Big Ears they sang,

We’ll bring you to court, the highest in the land,

We’ll tell then you are racist, for denying our friend,

Our dearest friend, Golliwog, because of his skin.
*

*
Aghast and bamboozled that their case it was lost,

Their peers relinquished their grip on the fiendish old plot,

Okay, she said, Golliwog can stay,

Hurray, Noddy cheered, come on, let’s play!
******************

*****

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2014 in Noddy

 

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I feel so sick, trying to look at this picture

22 Apr

I feel so sick, trying to look at this picture

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2014 in weird

 

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The Vampires are Coming!

22 Apr

The Vampires are Coming!

The Vampires are coming, hip, hip hooray,

Fun times – and blood times – are coming YOUR way,

Watch out for the Vampires, cunning and chic,

They are coming, yes coming, to drink your blood, sweet.

*******************

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2014 in Horror, vampires

 

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I Am a Camel, it said Snarling at Her

22 Apr

Camel at the Crazymad Writer's blog

I Am a Camel, it said Snarling at Her

*

I am a Camel, it said snarling at her,

A very old camel; you can tell by my fur,

My teeth and manner give also a hint,

And the hump on my back gives more than a hint.

*

I can see by your hump, said Alice – I do,

And also your teeth and manner; it’s true,

The look on your face has me all in affray,

Groaning and snarling, in such a way.

*

Still snarling at Alice, the Camel replied,

You’d never believe me; you’d think I had lied,

If the look on my face was gone; it’s a fact,

No one would listen or look at this chap.

*

Without offering Alice a chance to reply,

The Camel went on with his horrible lie,

Creeping closer and closer, until ever so near,

He suddenly pounced and bit off her ear.

*

Feeling the hurt and the blood running down,

Alice said, I was such a clown,

To have listened at all to a Camel like you,

Smelling of sweat and stinking like poo.

******

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2014 in humor, humour, poems, The new Roald Dahl

 

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I am so Forlorn

22 Apr

giant snail

I am so Forlorn

Rich slug, poor slug, fat slug, thin,

I am a slug that just cannot fit in,

To categorising, following the norm,

I was born with a shell; I am so forlorn!

*

Do not be upset, said a stranger to me,

Look at me, she said. Pray tell what you see,

I see a slug with a shell, but how can that be?

I am a snail, she replied, and so are you – can you see?

*

Rich slug, poor slug, fat slug, thin,

I am a slug that just cannot fit in,

To categorising, following the norm,

I was born with a shell; I am so forlorn!

*

Do not be upset, said a stranger to me,

Look at me, she said. Pray tell what you see,

I see a slug with a shell, but how can that be?

I am a snail, she replied, and so are you – can you see?

*

Yes, I replied, this is true – I can see!

The what and the wherefore are included, said she,

Come slime down the path; forget slugs and their ways,

Snails on life’s journey, together each day.

*

Yes, I replied, this is true – I can see!

The what and the wherefore are included, said she,

Come slime down the path; forget slugs and their ways,

Snails on life’s journey, together each day.

****************

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2014 in humor, humour, poems

 

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Slug Joke

18 Apr

Slug Joke

“What is the difference between a slug and a bag of salt?” Bert asked his friend Fred.
“Go on, tell me,” Fred answered.
“Salt makes your food taste better; slugs, however, shrivel and up and die if they come into contact with salt.
“That’s terrible!” Fred protested. “That’s not a joke!”
“You think it’s terrible?” Bert replied, flapping his arms about wildly, with excitement. “Imagine how the poor slugs feel!”

*******************************************************************

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Posted by on April 18, 2014 in humor, humour, joke

 

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One two buckle my shoe

17 Apr

!

One two buckle my shoe,

Three four knock at the door,

Five six pickup sticks,

Seven eight open the gate,

Nine ten start again,

Nah, that would be silly,

I would much rather go look for slugs to kill.

(It’s funny old world, isn’t it?)

*********************

 
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Posted by on April 17, 2014 in humor, humour, poems

 

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That’s Joe

17 Apr

Slug

That’s Joe

There once was a slug called Joe

Who wished he were fast, not slow

Until one day, while alone

He saw a snail struggling, carrying its home

Now he slimes about happy: That’s Joe

******************

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Posted by on April 17, 2014 in humor, humour, nursery rhymes, poems

 

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A Funny Thing Happened The Other Day

17 Apr

Snail at the Crazymad Writer's blog

A Funny Thing Happened
The Other Day

I saw this sleek snail in the green grass one day,
A flyboy, he was, I do have to say,
For he whisked himself past as fast could be,
In a shell of many colours, a flyboy was he.
*
I had hardly perceived that he had even arrived,
Before he disappeared into the sunset – I tell you no lie!
That snail of many colours, as bold as could be,
Was a flyboy for sure, so flashy was he!
*
He made me so sad, as sad as could be,
For I am a slug, not flashy, that’s me,
No shell to impress with colours and bling,
Just a poor, boring slug and it’s a terrible thing.
*
But I do have this plan, a means to an end,
That could make so cool, like snails and their friends,
All that I need are paint and a brush,
A golf ball and glue – not really so much!
*
With these said items, I will make myself grand,
Painting the ball, gluing it on my back is my plan,
Then I’ll parade myself round as proud as can be,
Like the snail of many colours and just as flashy, hee hee.

**************

****************

 

 
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Posted by on April 17, 2014 in humor, humour, poems

 

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