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Doctor Poo, just joking!

Doctor Poo, just joking!

Why did Doctor Poo get kicked out of the time-traveling bathroom?

Because he kept flushing the timeline!

doctor poo, just joking!

 
 

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Mr Puddleforth and the Marmalade Cat

Mr Puddleforth and the Marmalade Cat

The Sunday Morning That Lasted Forever

It began with birdsong.

Not the kind that screeches you awake, but the kind that tiptoes into your dreams, like a friendly whisper from the trees. The soft chirping of robins and the distant cooing of doves drifted through the half-open window, curling around the curtains like warm breath.

Sunlight, golden and drowsy, spilled onto the floorboards of the little cottage. It painted soft puddles of brightness across the patchwork rug and crept up the armchair where Mr Puddleforth sat, dozing gently with a book open across his lap and a marmalade cat curled on his shoulder like a scarf.

In the kitchen, a kettle began to rumble—not in a hurry, not with urgency—but with the slow confidence of something that knows it will be appreciated when it’s ready. Beside it, a loaf of bread yawned open, still warm from the oven. A pat of butter sat in a ceramic dish, dreaming of being spread.

Outside, the garden stirred. Lavender nodded lazily in the breeze. A bee, whose name was Barnaby, floated from bloom to bloom like a drunk old sailor, humming tunelessly to himself. The clouds above drifted with all the purpose of a day off work.

And everything was unbothered.

No alarms. No emails. No rush.

Just the slow tick of the old grandfather clock in the hall, and the distant chime of the church bells marking the hour with a sound that felt more like a memory than a command.

Young Elsie, who lived next door, padded barefoot into the garden in her pyjamas. She carried a china cup of warm milk and a slice of toast with strawberry jam, and she sat beneath the old apple tree with her feet in the dewy grass. A book open on her knees, she began to read the first line of a story she’d read a hundred times before. The tree listened kindly, as it always did.

And somewhere, just out of sight, perhaps behind the thick hedgerow or at the edge of the woods, something timeless stirred—a sleepy sort of magic, the kind that only shows up when you aren’t looking for it. The kind that slows the ticking of the clock.

The kind that makes you wonder, just for a second, if maybe—just maybe—this Sunday morning might last forever.

And in a way, it did.

 

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Doctor Poo: The Plunger of Time

Doctor Poo: The Plunger of Time

Doctor Poo: The Plunger of Time

He rides through time in a porcelain throne,
With a gurgle, a flush, and a furious groan.
With a scarf ’round his neck and soap in his shoe,
He’s madder than frogs in a fondue stew.

He battles with bog rolls that scream in the night,
And a tap that once bit him in mid-flight.
He’s faced evil curtains and bidets that spit,
And a shower that sings like a soap-covered twit.

He knows your deep secrets (the ones in the drain),
He’s wrestled with bubbles possessed by the Bane.
He’s flown through the sinks of the seventeenth moon,
And dueled with a sponge shaped like a baboon.

He once saved a planet by sneezing in sync,
And tamed a wild loofah with glittery ink.
He banished a ghost with a rubber duck yell,
Then slipped on a flannel and fell down a well.

I AM DOCTOR POO!” he shouts with delight,
“Defender of bathtime! Avenger of fright!”
He’ll plunge through dimensions, foam on his brow,
And scrub the whole multiverse sparkling somehow.

So if ever your toilet begins to hum,
Or your taps start chanting, “THE TIME HAS COME,”
Don’t call a plumber—don’t panic or moo—
Just whisper three words:
“Doctor. Flippin’. Poo.”


 
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Posted by on August 3, 2025 in doctor poo, doctor who

 

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The World’s Gone Bonkers (Since We All Went Online)

The World’s Gone Bonkers (Since We All Went Online)

The World’s Gone Bonkers (Since We All Went Online)
A Crazymad Poem by Someone Who’s Had Enough Wi-Fi

Once upon a saner time,
We’d write with pens—imagine the crime!
Now thumbs do tap and fingers swipe,
And talking’s swapped for “liking” hype.

The dog has TikTok, Mum’s on Zoom,
Dad live-streams himself in the loo.
Gran’s gone viral doing squats,
With hashtags like #KnitYourOwnTeaPots.

The fridge has Wi-Fi, the toaster too,
It knows your name, and your blood type too.
The mirror tells you you look sad—
(“Apply more blush, you silly lad!”)

Ding! goes the phone.
Ping! goes the watch.
Beep! says the toaster.
Snap! goes your crotch—
Because your smart jeans now detect
Too many pies? That gets a text.

People walk while texting fast,
Right into bins and duck ponds, SPLASH!
They film themselves while falling in,
Then cry, “Oh wow, I’ll post again!”

The baby’s named @Lil_Snacc,
He’s got a filter, six-pack abs.
The cat’s an influencer now,
With brand deals for organic chow.

We used to talk. We used to think.
Now Siri tells us when to blink.
“Alexa, what’s the point of life?”
She answers, “Please repeat your wife.”

Our minds are now a cloud-based mess,
We Google every minor stress.
Can’t sleep? There’s apps! Can’t cry? There’s bots!
Can’t love? Just swipe until it rots.

AI writes your granny’s will.
A drone drops off your sleeping pill.
We’ve screens for eyes, and wires for veins,
And autocorrect rewrites our brains.

Oh world, oh world, you pixelated freak!
You’ve swapped the meadow for a selfie streak.
The birds don’t tweet, the bees don’t hum—
They’re on Threads now, posting “Here we come!”

So switch it off—go out, get lost!
Climb a tree, no signal cost.
But if you fall—don’t dare complain…
Just film it, post it, dance again!

 
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Posted by on August 1, 2025 in humor, humour, internet, online, poems

 

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Alice Logs In

Alice Logs In

Alice Logs In

One sunny day in Wonderland,
While sipping tea and chewing sand,
Young Alice yawned and had a thought:
“Why are we all so pre-internet caught?”

She pulled an iPhone from her sock,
(It ticked and tocked like a talking clock),
She poked the screen and gave a grin—
“Let’s see what world I’ve wandered in!”

The Caterpillar popped online:
“Who R U? U up? U fine?”
The Cheshire Cat just posted memes,
And vanished mid-conspiracy themes.

The Hatter live-streamed tea debates,
With Bonkers takes on interest rates.
The Queen of Hearts launched NFTs:
“Buy now! Each comes with severed knees!”

Alice sighed. “This can’t be right—
We’ve meme’d away the day and night.
No riddles, rhymes, no flights of fancy—
Just trolls and ads and apps called ‘Dancy.’”

She tried to post: “I miss the trees.”
But all she got were angry bees—
Replies that buzzed: “You’re cringe! You’re fake!”
“Return to hole! Go eat a cake!”

She shut the phone and dropped it fast,
Deciding screen life couldn’t last.
She skipped away through mushroom mist,
Her Twitter never once was missed.

So if you find your world askew,
Try Wonderland, not Webpage 2.
You won’t need likes or streams or fame—
Just talking cats who know your name.

 

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Alice and the Baby Hippo (A whimsical poem in rhyme)

Alice and the Baby Hippo (A whimsical poem in rhyme)

Alice and the Baby Hippo
(A whimsical poem in rhyme)

One dainty day beneath the sun,
Young Alice thought, “This could be fun!”
She saw a hippo, small and round,
Just waddling gently on the ground.

Its skin was grey, its tail went flip,
It wriggled with a wobbly skip.
Its ears were tiny, pink and proud—
It snorted once and drew a crowd.

“A mount!” cried Alice. “Oh, how grand!
I’ll ride across this soggy land!
No horse or donkey, goat or yak—
I’ve found a hippo for my back!”

She climbed atop its chubby rear,
The hippo blinked, then twitched an ear.
It gave a squeal, then took a dash—
And Alice flew off with a splash!

She landed in a muddy bog,
Just shy of hitting a startled frog.
Her hair was filled with weeds and goo—
Her sock was gone, her shoe was too.

The hippo, shocked by all the fuss,
Just blinked and snorted, “Don’t blame us!
We’re not for riding, no, not yet—
We’re more like mobile lumps of wet.”

Alice laughed, then bowed with grace,
Mud dripping gently down her face.
“Well thank you, friend,” she said, and grinned,
“As far as rides go—you were…wind!”

And off she skipped with squelchy feet,
Through meadows green and puddles sweet.
Behind, the hippo gave a sigh,
Then belly-flopped with glee nearby.

So if you spy a hippo small,
Be sure you ask, before you fall.
For though they’re cute and seem just right—
They’re not the steed for your next flight!

 

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The Online Safety Farce

The Online Safety Farce

The Online Safety Farce
(A Satirical Poem About the Act That Thinks It’s Clever)

Oh hail the noble Safety Act!
A law so wise, so bold, intact—
It guards us from the perils deep
That hide in memes and TikTok sheep.

Its authors, clad in suits so grey,
Declared: “The web’s gone all astray!
We’ll tame its tone, we’ll scrub its text,
We’ll scan each thought that might come next!”

No longer may you speak too free,
For bots are watching—one, two, three.
A joke too sharp? A meme too rude?
Prepare to be digitally sued.

They’ll filter tweets and flag your posts,
And hunt for trolls and edgy ghosts.
But who, you ask, decides what’s vile?
A faceless desk, file after file.

They’ll guard the kids from naughty vids
(While selling data from your fridge).
They’ll say it’s “just a safety net,”
While mining you for clicks and debt.

“Online harm must end!” they shout—
Then ban a gif, and shadow doubt.
And every site must now comply—
Or else they’re fined until they die.

Encryption? Gone. Your chats are read.
Just in case you’re bad in your head.
A joke with irony too thick?
That’s flagged as harmful, quick-quick-quick!

It’s safety, yes! But at what cost?
Free speech, once ours, is now half-lost.
For every troll they claim to thwart,
Ten thinkers vanish from the chart.

So here’s a toast, with tongue in cheek,
To every daft, misguided tweak—
A law so clumsy, vague, and wide,
It pokes your thoughts and peeks inside.

A triumph, this! Of kneejerk might!
Protecting us from memes at night.
Now, hush your voice and wear a grin—
The Safety Act is watching in.

the online safety farce

👁️

 

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“The Old Lady and Her Pipe”

“The Old Lady and Her Pipe”

The Old Lady and Her Pipe
by the Hearthside Window

She sits by the window, pipe in her hand,
A curl of blue smoke like a silken strand.
The weather may bluster, the winds may bite,
But her old clay pipe is her one delight.

“A hundred,” she says, “and not a cough,
Still climb the stairs, still shake the frost off.
They warned me once—oh, they tried in vain—
But this little pipe keeps off the pain.”

She puffs with pride, her eyes aglow,
Recalling winters full of snow.
“When the frost would nip and the fire ran low,
This pipe would set my cheeks aglow.”

“And come the summer, sweltering heat,
When stockings stick to swollen feet—
A puff or two beneath the tree,
And suddenly I’m cool as can be.”

She taps the bowl, a rhythmic beat,
Her slippers scuff the ancient seat.
“They sell their lotions, teas, and pills—
I’ve only this and strong old will.”

“Doctors tut, and children frown,
But I’ve outlived half the town!
They’ll see me walking, cane in hand—
While they queue up for rubber bands.”

So puff she does, and smiles so wide,
The years have not slowed down her stride.
“Smoke?” she says, “Oh yes, I do—
And I’ll smoke ’til I’m a hundred and two!”

For warmth or chill, for joy or strife,
She’s smoked that pipe her entire life.
A tale of age, of stubborn cheer—
And a pipe that’s outlasted every year.

 
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Posted by on August 1, 2025 in poems, rhyme, Uncategorized

 

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Ostrich Racing

“Wait, Let Us Catch Up!”
by the Crazymad Poet

Through valleys deep and mountaintops,
Past bouncing boulders, flying hops,
A wizard old with beard askew
Chased after time—and Box did too.

“Wait, let us catch up!” they cried,
As dragons danced and penguins skied.
The sun ran past, the moon flew on—
Their breakfast toast was long since gone.

Box huffed and puffed and waved his arms,
While Wizard tripped on spells and charms.
His hat fell off, his wand went ‘ping!’
He cast a spell on… something’s wing.

“Was that the ostrich?” Box yelled loud.
“It was,” said Wiz, “and look—a cloud!”
But clouds don’t stop for spells or shouts,
They float right by—those fluffy louts.

“Why must the world run on ahead?
Why can’t it nap and wait instead?”
Box moaned while skipping over glue,
A puddle left by a kangaroo.

“We’re always late!” the boy complained.
“We missed the train, the show, the plane!
Even that turtle on a trike
Outpaced us both—and waved, the tyke!”

The wizard smiled and shook his beard.
“It’s not so bad,” he calmly cheered.
“We chase the world, but that’s okay—
We see the things that race away.”

And just then came a booming cheer—
The world had stopped, to lend an ear.
The ostrich wheeled, the dragon spun,
The moon reversed, just for fun.

And all because, in tones abrupt,
They’d simply cried, “Wait, let us catch up!”
The cosmos blinked, the moment froze—
And Box Privet sneezed on his own toes.

So here’s a tip if you’re behind:
Just shout out loud, and you might find
That even Time, if asked with grace,
Will slow itself—a tiny pace.

 
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Posted by on August 1, 2025 in ostrich racing

 

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A Hot Air Balloon Tale

A Hot Air Balloon Tale

The Girl Wizard and Box Privet
(A Hot Air Balloon Tale)

In a basket woven tight with care,
Two cousins floated through the air.
A girl with stars upon her hat,
And Box Privet—nervous, pale, and flat.

The wizard girl, with wand in hand,
Declared, “We’re off to Magic Land!
The winds obey my every spell—
So hold on tight, and all is well!”

But Box, with hair all spiked with fear,
Grumbled low, “We shouldn’t be here.
This flying bin’s a deathtrap, see?
We’re miles above the nearest tree!”

She grinned and tapped the breeze with flair,
And candy floss grew in the air.
She summoned clouds like marshmallow puffs,
While Box just huffed and called her bluff.

“You conjure sweets, but not a map!
We’ll crash! We’ll fall! We’ll take a nap—
That never ends, six feet below!”
(He often voiced his dread quite so.)

The wizard chuckled, calm and light:
“You fret too much, oh Boxy Sprite.
We’ve got the skies, the wind, the view—
And magic pants that stick like glue.”

Box checked his seat, then checked again,
His knuckles white with rising strain.
“I’d rather sit,” he said with gloom,
“In Auntie Edna’s drawing room.”

But just then came a flock of geese,
Who honked a song of joyful peace.
And Box, despite his mounting dread,
Lifted his chin and scratched his head.

Perhaps, he thought, this isn’t dire—
The sky is blue, the clouds inspire…
And though he’d never say it loud,
He felt a little oddly… proud.

So onward sailed the wizard girl,
Her cousin clutching for dear world.
One cast spells, the other fear—
But both were bold to journey here.

For courage isn’t magic tricks,
Or flaming orbs and pointy sticks—
It’s rising up when nerves say “no,”
And riding high where dreamers go.

 
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Posted by on July 31, 2025 in Harry Rotter

 

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