Why did Doctor Poo get kicked out of the time-traveling bathroom?
Because he kept flushing the timeline!

It began with birdsong.
Not the kind that screeches you awake, but the kind that tiptoes into your dreams, like a friendly whisper from the trees. The soft chirping of robins and the distant cooing of doves drifted through the half-open window, curling around the curtains like warm breath.
Sunlight, golden and drowsy, spilled onto the floorboards of the little cottage. It painted soft puddles of brightness across the patchwork rug and crept up the armchair where Mr Puddleforth sat, dozing gently with a book open across his lap and a marmalade cat curled on his shoulder like a scarf.
In the kitchen, a kettle began to rumble—not in a hurry, not with urgency—but with the slow confidence of something that knows it will be appreciated when it’s ready. Beside it, a loaf of bread yawned open, still warm from the oven. A pat of butter sat in a ceramic dish, dreaming of being spread.
Outside, the garden stirred. Lavender nodded lazily in the breeze. A bee, whose name was Barnaby, floated from bloom to bloom like a drunk old sailor, humming tunelessly to himself. The clouds above drifted with all the purpose of a day off work.
And everything was unbothered.
No alarms. No emails. No rush.
Just the slow tick of the old grandfather clock in the hall, and the distant chime of the church bells marking the hour with a sound that felt more like a memory than a command.
Young Elsie, who lived next door, padded barefoot into the garden in her pyjamas. She carried a china cup of warm milk and a slice of toast with strawberry jam, and she sat beneath the old apple tree with her feet in the dewy grass. A book open on her knees, she began to read the first line of a story she’d read a hundred times before. The tree listened kindly, as it always did.
And somewhere, just out of sight, perhaps behind the thick hedgerow or at the edge of the woods, something timeless stirred—a sleepy sort of magic, the kind that only shows up when you aren’t looking for it. The kind that slows the ticking of the clock.
The kind that makes you wonder, just for a second, if maybe—just maybe—this Sunday morning might last forever.
And in a way, it did.

He rides through time in a porcelain throne,
With a gurgle, a flush, and a furious groan.
With a scarf ’round his neck and soap in his shoe,
He’s madder than frogs in a fondue stew.
He battles with bog rolls that scream in the night,
And a tap that once bit him in mid-flight.
He’s faced evil curtains and bidets that spit,
And a shower that sings like a soap-covered twit.
He knows your deep secrets (the ones in the drain),
He’s wrestled with bubbles possessed by the Bane.
He’s flown through the sinks of the seventeenth moon,
And dueled with a sponge shaped like a baboon.
He once saved a planet by sneezing in sync,
And tamed a wild loofah with glittery ink.
He banished a ghost with a rubber duck yell,
Then slipped on a flannel and fell down a well.
“I AM DOCTOR POO!” he shouts with delight,
“Defender of bathtime! Avenger of fright!”
He’ll plunge through dimensions, foam on his brow,
And scrub the whole multiverse sparkling somehow.
So if ever your toilet begins to hum,
Or your taps start chanting, “THE TIME HAS COME,”
Don’t call a plumber—don’t panic or moo—
Just whisper three words:
“Doctor. Flippin’. Poo.”

One sunny day in Wonderland,
While sipping tea and chewing sand,
Young Alice yawned and had a thought:
“Why are we all so pre-internet caught?”
She pulled an iPhone from her sock,
(It ticked and tocked like a talking clock),
She poked the screen and gave a grin—
“Let’s see what world I’ve wandered in!”
The Caterpillar popped online:
“Who R U? U up? U fine?”
The Cheshire Cat just posted memes,
And vanished mid-conspiracy themes.
The Hatter live-streamed tea debates,
With Bonkers takes on interest rates.
The Queen of Hearts launched NFTs:
“Buy now! Each comes with severed knees!”
Alice sighed. “This can’t be right—
We’ve meme’d away the day and night.
No riddles, rhymes, no flights of fancy—
Just trolls and ads and apps called ‘Dancy.’”
She tried to post: “I miss the trees.”
But all she got were angry bees—
Replies that buzzed: “You’re cringe! You’re fake!”
“Return to hole! Go eat a cake!”
She shut the phone and dropped it fast,
Deciding screen life couldn’t last.
She skipped away through mushroom mist,
Her Twitter never once was missed.
So if you find your world askew,
Try Wonderland, not Webpage 2.
You won’t need likes or streams or fame—
Just talking cats who know your name.

Alice and the Baby Hippo
(A whimsical poem in rhyme)
One dainty day beneath the sun,
Young Alice thought, “This could be fun!”
She saw a hippo, small and round,
Just waddling gently on the ground.
Its skin was grey, its tail went flip,
It wriggled with a wobbly skip.
Its ears were tiny, pink and proud—
It snorted once and drew a crowd.
“A mount!” cried Alice. “Oh, how grand!
I’ll ride across this soggy land!
No horse or donkey, goat or yak—
I’ve found a hippo for my back!”
She climbed atop its chubby rear,
The hippo blinked, then twitched an ear.
It gave a squeal, then took a dash—
And Alice flew off with a splash!
She landed in a muddy bog,
Just shy of hitting a startled frog.
Her hair was filled with weeds and goo—
Her sock was gone, her shoe was too.
The hippo, shocked by all the fuss,
Just blinked and snorted, “Don’t blame us!
We’re not for riding, no, not yet—
We’re more like mobile lumps of wet.”
Alice laughed, then bowed with grace,
Mud dripping gently down her face.
“Well thank you, friend,” she said, and grinned,
“As far as rides go—you were…wind!”
And off she skipped with squelchy feet,
Through meadows green and puddles sweet.
Behind, the hippo gave a sigh,
Then belly-flopped with glee nearby.
So if you spy a hippo small,
Be sure you ask, before you fall.
For though they’re cute and seem just right—
They’re not the steed for your next flight!

She sits by the window, pipe in her hand,
A curl of blue smoke like a silken strand.
The weather may bluster, the winds may bite,
But her old clay pipe is her one delight.
“A hundred,” she says, “and not a cough,
Still climb the stairs, still shake the frost off.
They warned me once—oh, they tried in vain—
But this little pipe keeps off the pain.”
She puffs with pride, her eyes aglow,
Recalling winters full of snow.
“When the frost would nip and the fire ran low,
This pipe would set my cheeks aglow.”
“And come the summer, sweltering heat,
When stockings stick to swollen feet—
A puff or two beneath the tree,
And suddenly I’m cool as can be.”
She taps the bowl, a rhythmic beat,
Her slippers scuff the ancient seat.
“They sell their lotions, teas, and pills—
I’ve only this and strong old will.”
“Doctors tut, and children frown,
But I’ve outlived half the town!
They’ll see me walking, cane in hand—
While they queue up for rubber bands.”
So puff she does, and smiles so wide,
The years have not slowed down her stride.
“Smoke?” she says, “Oh yes, I do—
And I’ll smoke ’til I’m a hundred and two!”
For warmth or chill, for joy or strife,
She’s smoked that pipe her entire life.
A tale of age, of stubborn cheer—
And a pipe that’s outlasted every year.
