Headlamp Harry is an odd bod,
Lamp in his forehead, searching for God,
Despite shiningg it brightly near and quite far,
He cannot find Him, then lets out a roar,
Oh, where are You, he ask of his God,
I am in the pub drinking, He answers, leave me alone!
The German manager of a burger bar in Cologne will start selling “Erdogan-Burgers” again, despite closing for three days because of threats, he told the BBC.
Joerg Tiemann said his Urban Burgery sold the burgers garnished with goat’s cheese as a “satirical answer” to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan.
He has now installed security cameras. BEEFED UP SECURITY.
Arnie the apple hung from a tree
in an orchard a mile wide.
And every day the pickers would come
and haul dozens of apples inside.
They’d pick the prettiest of the bunch,
filling their baskets and pails.
But they always passed by Arnie,
ignoring his whines and wails.
“Please pick me!”, Arnie would cry
each time the pickers sauntered by.
“I want to go inside with you!”,
cried Arnie till he turned bright blue.
But the pickers ignored him day after day,
while Arnie hung there in dismay,
trying to nurse his shattered pride,
dying to be picked to be taken inside.
Each new dawn he’d do a trick
like spinning around on his twig.
But the picky pickers never stopped
for apples that weren’t big
or juicy or red or bright or sweet.
Poor Arnie was none of these things.
He wasn’t completely quite full grown
and he had some nicks and dings.
He dreamed what it was like inside;
lights and music all around.
Arnie just wanted to go there so badly
he flung himself to the ground.
The next day the pickers came along
and saw him lying there.
They took him inside and Arnie thought,
“This is it! I’m finally there!”
But when Arnie the Apple looked around
he realized his dreams were false,
’cause in less than 15 minutes
he was Arnie Applesauce.
(C) 1998, Arden Davidson
http://www.angelfire.com/md/byme/pocket.html
There once was a mouse quite sweet,
That scuttled down a dark street,
Then if fell down a hole,
And broke its big toe,
The mouse with clumsy lead feet.
Last weekend my wife said I had too much home brew in my shed, and that I should tip some out.
Not wanting to cause a domestic, I agreed, and set to the task.
However I did not see the sense in wasting it all so I decided that I would tip every second bottle and drink the other.
So, I opened the first bottle and tipped it down the sink. Then I opened the 2nd and drank it.
Then I opened the next bottle and tipped it down the sink, and drank the next bottle. I repeated this 5 times.
Than I unbottled the next open and sinked it down the drink. I then bottled the next drank.
Then I opened the next sink, drank the bottle and poured the tip down the beer.
Next, as the neighbour’s house went past. I opened the next drink and tipped the bottle down the pour.
Next I opened the neighbours house, which I tipped down the sink and bottled the next drank.
I then counted the neighbour’s house, which was three, tipped the beer down the bottle and drank the sink.
Next I opened the sink, which I drank, and poured the neighbour’s house down the bottle.
Some tinkle may peep that I am under the appelince of incahol, which is aslutlee pot nossible.
However I fool so feelish cos the drunker I sit here the longer I get and I do not know who is me.
There once was a slug called Reilly,
Who was incredibly slimy,
He thought he was smart,
Going out in the dark,
Until he fell down in a hole, did Reilly.
While stuck in that dark place,
Reilly thought about his life and his fate,
About the jerk he had been,
To everyone he had seen,
So he promised to be good, did Reilly.
Suddenly, a stick falling into the hole,
Presented a way to escape from it all,
Freed from that space,
Reilly forgot his promise, though great.
And returned to his bad ways, did Reilly.
One day when Reilly was alone,
He forgot to cover up his dank home,
It was an incredibly hot day,
The sun shone brightly away,
Drying him up, that slug, old Reilly,
The moral of my story is this,
Treat everyone you meet with a wish,
That their life is just fine,
Untroubled by…
View original post 11 more words
Beans, beans, good for the heart,
The more you eat the more you laugh,
You thought I was going to say FART, didn’t you?
Oh, crikey, I have gone and said it, FART,
God, I said FART again!
NO, NO, not again!
I am off now in case I say FART yet again,
ARRRGH, I give up, bye!
*****************************
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. OMG
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes. Is that why they are always squealing?
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy) I’m still not over the pig.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don’t try this at home; perhaps maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. (Honey, I’m home. What the…?)
A flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
A catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. And I joined Rotary!?! (I still can’t believe that pig …quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm…….)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
The mind BOGGLES, with it all. ZZZZZZ
Oh, dear what can the matter be?
Crazymad Writer got stuck in the lavatory,
He was there from Sunday to Saturday,
Nobody knew he was there.
*
The first bad day was ever so grim,
Sat there; it was incredibly dim,
Away from the light ‘tween bowl and the rim
And nobody knew he was there
*
The third bad day was really no better,
Stuck inside, looking for paper,
All he could find was a bricklayer’s scraper,
And nobody knew he was there.
*
The fourth bad day was a terrible mess,
Stuck in that place, amidst smell and cess,
Then he slipped on the floor and hurt – you can guess,
And nobody knew he was there.
*
CONTD
The Crazymad Writer 