

Entry 1: Day 1,472,305 of Unappreciated Perch-dom
Another dawn. Another flock of pigeons mistaking my head for a public convenience. Honestly, if I wanted this much unsolicited avian attention, I’d have been carved as a bird feeder. Name’s Gary. I’m a gargoyle. A gargoyle, mind you, not a grotesque. There’s a difference. Gargoyles have a function – we spout water. Grotesques are merely decorative. I, however, have not spouted water in approximately 300 years, largely due to a blocked pipe that no one, not even the highly-paid “historical monument conservation team,” has bothered to fix. So, technically, I’m a grotesque with an identity crisis. And a perpetually damp chin.
My view? Dublin Castle. Grand, yes. Historically significant, undeniably. But after a million years of watching tourists take selfies with duck faces, and politicians entering with promises they’ll never keep, it all blends into one grey, drizzly monotony. My stone heart yearns for adventure. My calcified buttocks ache for a change of scenery.
Entry 2: The Escape Plan – Operation: Wing It (Figuratively)
I’ve been observing the humans. They move. They go places. They use these contraptions called “buses” and “cars.” Fascinating. My initial thought was to simply sprout wings and fly, but alas, structural integrity issues. A gargoyle on the loose might cause a bit of a kerfuffle. No, subtlety is key. I’ll need a disguise.
My eyes, which admittedly haven’t blinked since the Normans were still fashionable, landed on a particularly lumpy, discarded bin bag at the castle gates. Eureka! A perfect, if slightly malodorous, cloak of invisibility. And perhaps a few strategically placed leaves for that “au naturel” look. My destination? The Cliffs of Moher. I overheard a tourist raving about the “majesty” and “untamed beauty.” Sounds far less stressful than guarding a castle from imaginary dragons and very real seagulls.
Entry 3: The Great Descent (More of a controlled tumble, really)
Getting down was… an experience. I waited for the darkest hour, and with a mighty heave, unmoored myself. Gravity, my old friend, took over. I bounced off a decorative flagpole (oops, sorry, King William!), slid down a drainpipe like a stone toboggan (surprisingly exhilarating!), and landed with a muffled thud in a rose bush. A nearby fox gave me a look that clearly said, “Are you serious right now?” I gave him my best gargoyle glare, which mostly just made him yawn.
Disguise on. Bin bag secured. I looked less like a mythical beast and more like a very confused pile of rubbish. Perfect.
Entry 4: The Bus Stop Blues
Finding the bus stop was easy; understanding the timetable was not. “Route 41 to Swords via the airport bypass”? What even is a Swords? I decided to trust my instincts, which, after centuries of static observation, were mostly telling me to stay put and complain. Eventually, a double-decker bus rumbled along. I squeezed myself aboard, attempting to look inconspicuous. The bus driver, a kindly man named Pat, glanced at me. “Bit early for Halloween, isn’t it, mate?” he chuckled, clearly mistaking me for a particularly unconvincing costume. I merely grunted, which he seemed to accept as a valid fare.
My fellow passengers were an interesting bunch. A woman knitting a jumper for a chihuahua, a teenager engrossed in a device that glowed, and an elderly gentleman who kept trying to offer me a biscuit. I politely declined, worried about crumbs getting lodged in my intricate stonework.
Entry 5: The Scenic Route (and the Seagull Incident)
The journey was glorious! Rolling green hills, quaint villages, and not a single pigeon in sight. I even saw a field full of sheep, none of whom looked particularly interested in mistaking me for a rock. My stone heart swelled. This was living!
Then, the seagull incident. We pulled over at a roadside diner, and I, eager for some fresh air (or as fresh as a gargoyle gets), hopped out. A particularly brazen seagull, clearly a veteran of chip-stealing, swooped down and attempted to make off with the bin bag that was my disguise. A tug-of-war ensued. Me, a centuries-old guardian of Dublin Castle, locked in a battle of wits and sheer stone mass against a feathered chip-fiend. I won, of course, but not before my bin bag was slightly tattered, revealing a hint of grey, moss-kissed stone underneath. The seagull squawked indignantly and flew off, probably to complain to its union.
Entry 6: Moher at Last!
And then, there they were. The Cliffs of Moher.

Entry 7: Moher at Last! (Continued)
And then, there they were. The Cliffs of Moher. Sheer, glorious, unadulterated rock. The air was sharp with salt, and the wind—oh, the wind was a roaring, magnificent beast that tugged at my remaining bin-bag remnants.
I found the perfect spot, perched precariously near the edge (a familiar feeling, really, just without a castle beneath me). I looked out over the vast Atlantic. The waves crashed against the base of the cliffs with a spectacular, deafening roar. It was raw, it was wild, and it was entirely unlike the polite, drizzly chaos of Dublin.
I closed my non-blinking stone eyes and took a deep, imaginary breath. This was the peace I craved.
My contemplation was abruptly shattered by a tiny, flustered puffin attempting to land on my head.
“Excuse me, mate! Are you new?” chirped the puffin, hopping down my shoulder. “This is Seamus’s viewing spot! He’s very territorial about his lichen patch.”
I sighed, a sound like grinding geological plates. “I am Gary, and I am merely seeking a moment of respite from the endless monotony of Dublin Castle.”
The puffin, unimpressed, pecked at my mossy ear. “Dublin Castle? Oh, a city boy! You won’t last five minutes. The sheer solitude will drive you mad, and the local folklore is very strict about unauthorized stone figures.”
Entry 8: Philosophical Conclusion and an Unforeseen Career Change
I spent the next hour in a profound, existential debate with the puffin named Seamus about the nature of eternal stillness versus migratory urgency. It was surprisingly enriching, though Seamus kept demanding I stop “hogging the good light.”
The wind, however, had a surprising effect. It whistled through the crevices in my old stone frame, creating an unexpectedly melodic sound. Tourists walking past stopped. They pointed. They took photos.
“Listen to that!” cried one tourist. “It sounds like a mournful Celtic wind chime! What a brilliant piece of natural art!”
Another leaned in close. “Look! They’ve carved a gargoyle here! It’s so authentic, it looks like it’s been guarding the sea for centuries!”
Suddenly, I wasn’t a disgruntled escapee; I was a majestic, windswept attraction. I was a Cliffs of Moher Grotesque, revered for my melancholic whistling.
I realized then that my problem wasn’t the job; it was the scenery. I was a mountain gargoyle trapped in a city gargoyle’s life.
Epilogue:
Gary never returned to Dublin Castle. He sent a curt, one-line message via a migrating pigeon: “Mending that drainpipe is your problem now.”
He now resides permanently on the Cliffs of Moher. He is locally famous, known as ‘The Whistling Sentinel of the West.’ He has a new job: official atmospheric sound effect for the Cliffs of Moher. He gets regular compliments, the occasional free picnic sandwich left by tourists, and his only co-worker is Seamus the Puffin, who still demands I move, but mostly just uses me as a very sturdy, slightly grumpy landmark.
And Gary? He’s finally happy. He’s found his purpose: standing still, looking magnificent, and complaining about the weather to the Atlantic Ocean, which, unlike the Castle, actually listens.

The presidential motorcade, usually a beacon of solemnity, was currently attempting a precarious three-point turn in a field that smelled distinctly of prize-winning Kerry cows. Inside, President McMurrow, a man whose silver hair and kindly eyes belied a mischievous wit, chuckled. “Remind me again, Fiona,” he addressed his chief of staff, “why we bypassed the usual diplomatic channels for a direct engagement with… the Ballykillduff Daleks?”
Fiona, a woman who had seen it all – from rogue shamrock presentations to international incidents involving a missing Taoiseach and a particularly enthusiastic hurling team – sighed. “Because, Mr. President, their ‘Exterminate All Humans’ manifesto was getting an alarming amount of traction on TikTok, and Fine Gael were starting to panic about the youth vote.”
Just then, a shrill, metallic voice screeched from beyond the hawthorn hedge. “EXTERNAL-LIN-GUISH! EX-TER-NAL-LIN-GUISH THE GRAZING MENACE!”
“Ah,” President McMurrow adjusted his tie, a subtle nod to the seriousness of the occasion. “Sounds like our welcoming committee.”
They emerged to a truly surreal sight. Five Daleks, unmistakably Daleks, but with a distinct Ballykillduff charm. One had a tricolour painted rather crudely on its side. Another wore a tiny, ill-fitting leprechaun hat. The leader, a particularly rusty specimen, had what looked suspiciously like a hurley stick strapped to its casing.
“GREET-INGS, FLESH-BAG!” screeched the hurley-wielding Dalek. “WE ARE THE DA-LEKS OF BALLY-KILL-DUFF! PRE-PARE TO BE… ENTER-TAINED!”
President McMurrow raised an eyebrow. “Entertained, you say? Not exterminated?”
“EX-TER-MIN-ATE IS SO… LAST SEA-SON,” replied another Dalek, its eye-stalk swivelling to glare at a sheep that had dared to bleat nearby. “WE HAVE DE-CID-ED TO EM-BRACE LO-CAL CUL-TURE!”
It turned out their TikTok fame had come from their surprisingly viral Riverdance routine. “WE HAVE MOD-I-FIED OUR PLUN-GERS FOR PER-CUSS-IVE DANC-ING!” explained the Dalek with the leprechaun hat. “WOULD YOU LIKE A DEM-ON-STRA-TION, MR. PRES-I-DENT?”
Before McMurrow could answer, a local farmer, Seamus O’Malley, ambled over, scratching his head. “Are these the fellas who keep rearrangin’ my hay bales into the shape of the Millennium Falcon?”
The Daleks froze. “NEG-A-TIVE! THAT IS A SLAN-DER-OUS AC-CU-SA-TION!”
“Oh, come off it,” Seamus scoffed. “My prize-winning ram, Brendan, saw you! Said you were humming the Star Wars theme tune!”
President McMurrow, struggling to suppress a laugh, intervened. “Gentlemen, perhaps we could discuss your, ah, ‘cultural integration’ over a cup of tea? I believe Fiona has brought some Tayto.”
The word ‘Tayto’ seemed to short-circuit the Daleks. “POT-AT-O BASED SNACK PROD-UCT? EX-PLAIN! EX-PLAIN!”
Hours later, the presidential motorcade departed, leaving behind a scene of utter bewilderment and joy. The Ballykillduff Daleks were now sporting tiny GAA jerseys, had learned to play a passable bodhrán rhythm with their plungers, and were eagerly discussing the merits of cheese and onion crisps versus salt and vinegar. 
(A song for Doctor Vaude and the people of Ballykillduff)
[Verse 1]
The fog came down on Ballykillduff,
With posters on the wall,
And no one saw the tent go up,
But everyone heard the call.
A shimmer of pearl and shadow black,
A sign with a curious lore:
“Admission, one memory, no refunds—
But you’ll never be quite as before.”
[Chorus]
🎵 Step inside, dear dreamers, step inside and see,
The Circus of the Grotesques, where you trade what used to be.
Give us one small moment that your heart can spare,
We’ll change your life forever—if you’ve the mind to dare. 🎵
[Verse 2]
Madame Tallow of Wax and Whispers danced,
Her words like smoke and fire,
She told your truth before you knew,
And left your thoughts to tire.
The Gentleman Beast in velvet shame,
Spoke softly of his fall—
And every soul in Ballykillduff
Felt beast and man in all.
[Chorus]
🎵 Step inside, dear dreamers, step inside and see,
The Circus of the Grotesques, where your secrets come to be.
We’ll mend your pain and polish your despair,
We’ll change your life forever—if you’ve the mind to dare. 🎵
[Bridge 1]
Clockwork Twins ticked time away,
A minute each for tears,
The Librarian turned blank white pages
Filled with gentle years.
The Cook of Impossible Flavours smiled,
“Have a taste of who you were.”
And somewhere in the tent that night,
The stars began to stir.
[Verse 3]
Norah O’Dea with her toffee stick,
Raised her hand so small,
Said, “I’ll be brave, and I’ll be changed,”
Before them, one and all.
The ringmaster bowed, his smile too bright,
The tent bent close to hear,
And Ballykillduff held its breath—
Between wonderment and fear.
[Chorus — Slower, Lamenting]
🎵 Step inside, dear dreamers, pay the price of air,
One small memory traded, one truth laid bare.
You’ll leave a little lighter, you’ll walk a little strange,
For the Circus of the Grotesques has a gift called change. 🎵
[Bridge 2]
They called her name three times in love,
And once with iron will,
The black salt hissed, the lights went white,
And time stood faintly still.
Norah faced the ringmaster proud,
Her eyes as bright as glass—
She said, “Let’s play a riddle’s game,
To see what comes to pass.”
[Verse 4]
“What grows lighter shared, yet heavy kept?”
The ringmaster asked the air.
Norah smiled, “A story told—
It lives when it’s laid bare.”
Her riddle came like April rain,
“The cost of kind undone?”
He sighed, “A knot within the dark—
Until it’s all unspun.”
[Final Chorus — Triumphant, Soft Echo]
🎵 Step inside, dear dreamers, step inside and see,
The Circus of the Grotesques set your memory free.
What you lose will find you, though it may rearrange,
No refunds ever needed—only change. 🎵
[Outro — Spoken softly, as if by Doctor Vaude]
“Forever,” we promised. “Change,” we gave.
Both are true, and both behave.
So mind your steps, remember the fair,
The tent is gone—but the air is there.
🎵 No refunds… plenty of change. 🎵


Saint Patrick
It is often said that Saint Patrick came to Ireland to drive out the snakes.
But what if the snakes were never snakes at all?
Long ago, when the mist lay thick upon the valleys and the bogs whispered like breathing things, a foreign stranger landed upon the shores of Ériu. He was no gentle man of God, as later tales would tell, but a strange figure whose eyes gleamed green like fire in a peat bog, and whose staff was carved from bone, not wood.
The druids, keepers of the old ways, saw him first. They whispered that he was neither Roman nor Briton, but something far older — a being who had walked the shifting places between this world and the Otherworld. He did not ask for shelter. He demanded it. He did not preach of salvation. He spoke instead of banishment.
“Your land harbours them,” he said in a voice that carried like thunder.
“Serpents,” he called them. But the people knew no snakes slithered upon Ireland’s soil. What, then, did he mean?
Some said he was hunting the “serpents” of knowledge — the ancient wisdom of the druids, who bent the wind and called to the stars. Wherever he walked, holy groves withered, and sacred wells ran dry. The old gods faded like smoke before him, as though swallowed.
Others whispered a darker tale: that the “snakes” were not druids, nor gods, but the Fae themselves. Those shimmering beings of hollow hills who danced in moonlight, who whispered to mortals and led them astray. He fought them with prayers unknown to mortal tongues, binding them beneath stones, driving them into the hollow mounds, locking them where no sun might touch.
But if you go to certain places in Ireland — quiet valleys where the grass grows too green, or ringforts where no farmer dares plough — you can hear them still. The hiss beneath the soil. The laughter in the wind.
And some say Patrick never left.
For on storm-ripped nights, a tall figure is seen wandering among ruined monasteries, cloak ragged, eyes burning faintly green, still searching for the last of the “serpents” he never caught.
Perhaps he was a saint. Perhaps he was a conqueror of spirits.
Or perhaps Patrick was something far stranger:
not a man at all, but a hunter from beyond, whose work in Ireland is not yet finished.

It was a dark and stormy night—well, in Ballykillduff it’s always a bit dark and damp, but that’s beside the point. On this fateful evening, just when you thought the small town couldn’t get any quirkier, aliens decided it was their time to shine… or, more accurately, their time to land and hide. Yes, you heard that right! Aliens landed, and I really don’t kid!
Now, Ballykillduff isn’t exactly known for being a hub of extraterrestrial activity. In fact, most folks there had never seen anything more exciting than Mrs. O’Leary’s cat stuck in a tree. But on this particular night, the usual sounds of distant sheep bleating and the odd rustle of leaves were interrupted by a strange humming sound—like a swarm of bees that had taken up jazz music. Little did the residents know that behind those hedges, cloaked in darkness, intergalactic visitors were trying to figure out where the heck they ended up.
The aliens themselves were quite the sight to behold. Picture this: they were about three feet tall, with heads so big they could audition for a role in a poorly made horror film. Their skin glowed a faint green, not because they were sickly, but because someone must have overdone it with the glow-in-the-dark paint during their travels. They wore silver suits that looked suspiciously like something you’d find at a discount Halloween store, complete with oversized ray guns that looked like they were made from tinfoil and old soda cans.
Now, while the aliens may have expected to land somewhere more glamorous—like New York City or perhaps descending onto a gathering of scientists—they found themselves in the middle of Ballykillduff’s main square, right next to the statue of famed local hero, Old Man McGregor, who famously discovered the town’s “mystical potato”—those are its claims to fame, folks!
After checking their intergalactic map, one of the aliens, who called himself Blorp, said in his best (and rather wobbly) English, “I think we’ve made a wrong turn at Jupiter.” Meanwhile, his partner, Zog, was busy taking selfies with Old Man McGregor’s statue, insisting that this ‘potato’ was perhaps the revered leader they’d come to find.
As the night wore on, the aliens decided that hiding might be the best course of action until they could figure things out. So, what did they do? They hopped into the nearest bushes, and if you think that was a good idea, you clearly haven’t seen a Baltic Hedge in person. It’s a wonder they didn’t end up attracting local wildlife—or worse, Mrs. O’Leary’s cat again.
The next day, news spread across Ballykillduff like wildfire being fanned by the wind. “Aliens landed!” shouted Bert, the town crier, waving his bell around with the enthusiasm of a child who just scored a goal in football. The townsfolk gathered at the pub, clinking their pints and debating how to best welcome these cosmic travelers. Some suggested a 5K run to greet them, while Mrs. MacGinty recommended a potluck dinner. Because nothing says “welcome to Earth” like colcannon and bread pudding.
Meanwhile, back in the bushes, Blorp and Zog were oblivious to the brewing excitement. They had decided to put on their best camouflaging skills and hoped to remain incognito, despite glowing like neon signs in a blackout. They spent their time arguing over whether it was appropriate to use their ray guns to zap the pesky flies that kept buzzing around them. Spoiler alert: they absolutely shouldn’t have.
After a few hours of endless bickering, an adventurous group of kids from Ballykillduff decided to venture into the nearby garden, eyes wide with the thrill of discovery. The little ones stumbled upon the aliens, fully convinced they were either new pets or exceptionally hideous fairies. “Can we keep them?” asked a particularly bold lad named Tommy, whose idea of fun involved poking anything that moved with a stick.
The aliens, seeing no escape, finally decided to reveal themselves. Talk about a dramatic reveal! They leapt out of the bushes, hands raised (not in surrender, mind you, but more like they were performing a poorly choreographed dance). “Greetings, Earthlings!” yelled Blorp, only for Zog to remind him, “No yelling! We don’t want to scare them!”
The kids squealed with delight, thinking it was all part of some brilliant prank. “You’re not real!” said Sarah, the skeptical one in the group. “You look like something from a bad sci-fi movie!”
And they did. With their tacky outfits and awkward stances, one might say the aliens were more comedy than cosmos. Before long, other curious townsfolk began to gather, drawn by the loud laughter and the bizarre sight of dancing aliens and bewildered children.
As the adults arrived, Blorp quickly introduced himself and Zog, attempting to explain their presence. Hours later, after much confusion, misunderstanding, and a lot of snorts from the crowd, the aliens were invited to join the potluck dinner. Everyone figured, “Why not? They can’t be worse company than Aunt Maureen with her mystery meat casserole!”
As the stars twinkled above Ballykillduff, the event turned into an unexpected block party. The aliens shared tales of distant planets while the townsfolk entertained them with versions of local folklore. Zog even tried a pint of Guinness, promptly gasping and exclaiming, “What kind of potion is this, and where can I get more?”
By morning, the aliens became honorary citizens of Ballykillduff. They were given a warm send-off with handmade “Wish You Were Here” postcards crafted by the kids, featuring sketches of them flying away in their tinfoil saucer.
And just like that, with a rattle and a hum, Blorp and Zog took off into the stars, leaving behind a tale that would forever be etched in the history of Ballykillduff. The townsfolk still chuckle about that wild night—their very own close encounter of the unusual kind. Because really, who could have guessed aliens would choose Ballykillduff for a visit?
So, remember, next time you hear a strange noise outside your window or see a glowing figure in the dark, it might not be just your imagination playing tricks. Just maybe, the aliens have landed again… and they’re probably hiding in the hedges!
They landed one night in a field of rough stuff,
By the boggy back lanes of Ballykillduff.
Their saucer was spinning, all silver and green,
And lit up the cow shed like no one had seen!
Auld Paddy O’Toole, with his flask full of tea,
Was out walking Biddy (his prize-winning ewe, you see).
He stared at the lights, then exclaimed with a cough,
“By Jaysus and Mary—would ye turn that thing off?!”
The hatch hissed open, a ramp clanked down slow,
Out shuffled a creature all covered in glow.
It had three long fingers and seventeen eyes—
But wore wellies and said, “What a glorious sunrise!”
They tried to milk tractors, they fed stones to sheep,
And one kissed a donkey then fell fast asleep.
The postman near fainted when one tried to sing—
“Your radio’s broken!” it said, doing a fling.
They asked for our leader. We offered them Breda,
Who runs the wee shop and makes a fine feeder.
She gave them some Taytos, a carton of milk,
And a scarf she had knitted from Martian-spun silk.
The aliens danced at the Bally Hall ceilidh,
They jived and they jigged and they floated quite gaily.
Then they packed up their bits in a shimmering puff—
And vanished once more from Ballykillduff.
Now no one believes us (as is often the case),
Though we’ve three melted sheep and a crop circle face.
But Paddy swears true, as he finishes his snuff:
“The best craic I’ve seen—was in Ballykillduff.”
