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Author Archives: The Crazymad Writer

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About The Crazymad Writer

FREE EBOOKS FOR ALL, that's what I say, FREE EBOOKS FOR ALL, courtesy of ME, The Crazymad Writer. Stories for children and young at heart adults. And remember, my eBooks are FREE FREE FREE!

The Old Church of Haroldstown

The Old Church of Haroldstown

The Old Church of Haroldstown

The church at Haroldstown was never finished. Its stones were laid, its walls rose straight and sure, but the roof was never set. Each time the builders tried, storms rolled in from nowhere, tearing timbers down before a slate could be fixed. After the third attempt, the masons abandoned their work, leaving the ruin to the ivy and the wind.

The graveyard grew around it all the same. Crooked headstones tilt in the long grass, names half-vanished or lost to time. A black yew tree bends low over the altar, its roots tangled in the very stones.

At dusk, locals give the place a wide berth. They tell of a bell that tolls where no bell ever hung, and of figures drifting among the graves, faces pale and eyes unblinking. A farmer once swore he saw his grandmother kneeling at her own headstone, her lips moving in silent prayer. He left Haroldstown that very week and never came back.

The darkest tale is of the door in the southern wall. Hidden by ivy, too small for a grown man to pass through, it breathes a damp, cold air like the mouth of a cave. Old folk say it leads not to the fields beyond, but down — into hollows older than the church, older even than the dolmen by the roadside.

From time to time, some daring child squeezes inside. The ones who return are never quite the same. One wandered home white-eyed, whispering in a language no one knew. Another was never found at all, save for his cap snagged high on the yew’s lowest branch.

And when the moon rides low over Haroldstown, villagers swear the ruin does not stand empty. Through the gaps in the walls, they glimpse a congregation crowding shoulder to shoulder, their faces turned upward, waiting for a sermon that has lasted seven hundred years.

church ruins

 
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Posted by on August 18, 2025 in carlow, church, haroldstown, ruins

 

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Daleks in Ballykillduff

Daleks in Ballykillduff

Daleks in Ballykillduff

The trouble began on a Tuesday, which was surprising because most trouble in Ballykillduff traditionally reserved itself for Fridays, when Councillor McGroggin’s trousers had their weekly disagreement with the concept of “staying up.”

Old Mrs Muldoon was the first to notice the invasion. She had gone out to feed her hens, only to find a large, bronze, pepper-pot-shaped creature rolling down her driveway shouting:

EX-TERM-INATE!

Mrs Muldoon, who was hard of hearing and thought it had said “EX-FOLI-ATE,” promptly offered it a jar of homemade lavender body scrub. The Dalek took it, paused, and muttered in its metallic way:

“THIS… IS… UNORTHODOX.”

By mid-morning, three more Daleks had appeared outside the Ballykillduff Post Office, which was awkward because the postmistress, Breda O’Snarky, insisted that they take a number and queue like everyone else. The Daleks complied, muttering about the inefficiency of rural postal services.


The Great Ballykillduff Resistance

Local farmer Seamus “Half-a-Shed” O’Leary decided that alien invaders needed dealing with. He grabbed his hurley stick, a bucket of slurry, and his neighbour’s goat for moral support. Standing on the main street, he declared:

“Right so, lads, you’re not ex-ter-min-ating my village unless you’ve got a permit from the Ballykillduff Council!”

The Daleks, unfamiliar with Irish bureaucracy, were promptly handed a thirty-seven-page form by Councillor McGroggin, who had been looking for a chance to introduce his new ‘Visitor Alien Levy.’ Filling in the form took them four hours, during which time Breda sold them three booklets of stamps and a novelty tea towel.


The Final Showdown at O’Malley’s Pub

By nightfall, the Daleks were thirsty and rolled into O’Malley’s. Paddy O’Malley, who had seen worse (including the time Father Flaherty tried karaoke), poured them each a pint of the black stuff. One sip and the lead Dalek declared:

“ERROR. TASTE MODULE… OVERLOADED.”

The Daleks began to spin in circles, their robotic voices slurring:

“EX-FOLIATE! HY-DRATE! CELE-BRATE!”

Soon they were singing rebel songs badly off-key and demanding another round. The invasion fizzled out entirely when the Daleks discovered Ballykillduff’s weekly céilí and spent the rest of the night attempting Irish dancing, scattering sparks and bolts across the dance floor.


The next morning, the Daleks quietly boarded their saucer and left, muttering that Ballykillduff was “TOO… STRANGE… EVEN… FOR… US.”

Mrs Muldoon waved them off with another jar of lavender scrub.

dalek ceili

 
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Posted by on August 12, 2025 in daleks, invasion

 

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Alice on Top of the World

Alice on Top of the World

“Alice on Top of the World” serves as both a tribute to the original tales and a fresh exploration of timeless themes. It invites readers of all ages to reflect on their own journeys through life, encouraging them to cherish the magic of imagination and the beauty of memories.

alice and sants set off with the children's presents

Alice and Santa set off with the children’s presents

Alice and Fle, a very old elf

Alice and Fle, a very old elf, in his fertilizer mine

alice meets King Tut, the king of the sea lions

Alice meets King Tut, the king of the sea lions

Alice stepped on the elevator that went all the way up to the clouds

Alice steps on the elevator to the top of the world

 

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The Blessington Lake Leaf Mystery

The Blessington Lake Leaf Mystery

The Day the Sky Shed Its Skin

It began, as peculiar things often do, with something perfectly ordinary.

Old Mrs. Hanratty was sitting on the pier at Blessington Lake, feeding the ducks with the heels of a stale loaf, when the first leaf drifted down from above. She thought nothing of it—there are trees everywhere, after all, and it was autumn.

But then came another leaf. And another. And another.

By the time she’d run out of bread, the air above the lake was thick with them—oak, ash, beech, sycamore, elm—some so large they could have been used as parasols. They spiralled down in lazy loops, landing on the water with soft splashes or sticking to the pier’s damp planks.

What puzzled Mrs. Hanratty most was this: there was not a single tree anywhere near her. The leaves were falling from directly above—straight down from the empty blue sky.

Within an hour, word had spread.

Children in wellies ran laughing along the shore, trying to catch the drifting leaves before they touched the water. Fishermen paused mid-cast to watch as maple leaves the size of dinner plates parachuted past their noses. Tourists stood gawping, phones held high.

And still the leaves kept coming.

By midday, they were falling faster. The surface of the lake was no longer water—it was a shifting carpet of golds, reds, and browns. The ducks paddled in confusion, occasionally disappearing entirely under drifts of foliage before popping up again like feathery corks.

At two o’clock, the leaves began to arrive in patterns—swirling spirals, perfect rings, even shapes that some swore looked like letters. “It’s writing something!” shouted young Patrick Flynn. But before anyone could read it, the wind twisted the letters into nonsense.

Then, at exactly three o’clock, the lake itself seemed to sigh. A long, low sound, like the breath of something deep beneath. And with that, the falling stopped.

Everyone stood frozen, staring at the silent water, now buried under a thick, motionless blanket of leaves.

Mrs. Hanratty swore she saw the whole carpet shift slightly, as if something huge had just rolled over beneath it.

By the next morning, the leaves were gone—every last one. The lake was its usual, calm self, with no sign of the strange downpour.

But those who had been there said that sometimes, if you stood on the pier at just the right time of day and looked down into the still water, you might see something looking back. Something that moved like the wind, but had no need for air.

And if you were very unlucky, you might see a single leaf float slowly upward from the depths.

the Blessington Lake leaf mystery
 

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Dullingshire

Dullingshire

A Short Story: The Girl with the Purple Umbrella

There once was a girl named Lila who strolled through town with a purple umbrella—always open, even on the sunniest of days. She wore socks that didn’t match, spoke in rhymes when no one asked, and could often be found conversing with lamp posts or feeding imaginary pigeons.

People in the town of Dullingshire whispered.
“She’s strange,” said the baker.
“Weird,” nodded the barber.
“Completely off,” murmured the mayor.
“Possibly crazy,” concluded the postman.

One day, a curious boy named Felix asked her why she did the things she did. She twirled her umbrella, smiled, and said:
“I’m not strange, weird, off, nor crazy—
My reality is just different from yours, dear Daisy.”

“My name’s Felix,” he corrected.

“Exactly,” she winked.

She invited him to walk with her. Under her umbrella, the world looked different—full of colour, music, and upside-down rainbows. Trees whispered secrets, puddles shimmered like portals, and the clouds giggled above.

By the time they returned, Felix wasn’t sure whether he had visited another world or simply looked at his own for the first time. He tried explaining it to others, but they shook their heads and gave him cautious glances. He didn’t care.

From that day on, Felix carried a green balloon wherever he went and sometimes whistled at flowers to see if they’d sing back.

And when people whispered about him, Lila simply smiled and said,
“Welcome to my reality.”

And that’s how the world became a little less dull, and Dullingshire never quite lived up to its name again.

dullingshire

 
 

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The Pickled Newt Incident

The Pickled Newt Incident

“The Pickled Newt Incident”

(As told in hushed tones by woodland creatures and highly suspicious teapots.)

In a village called Splotz, near the Crackling Cliffs’ root,
Lived an elf known as Fle—
And a jar marked “Newt.

It sat on a shelf marked “Do Not Unseal!
Right under the sign that read “Definitely Real.”
It bubbled, it gurgled, it muttered in rhyme,
And occasionally leaked a peculiar green slime.

“Now don’t touch the jar,” said old Fle with a wink.
“It once tried to marry a badger, I think.”
But Alice, quite curious (and rightly so),
Said, “Why keep a pickled newt sealed long ago?”

Fle sighed, then he paced, then he sat on a drum.
(He sits anywhere when his knees go numb.)
And thus he began, with a wiggle and groan,
To tell of the night he’d once meddled… alone.


“I was younger then—only two hundred and ten,
With a broom, a balloon, and a borrowed goose pen.
I’d just brewed a soup made of socks and some glue,
When a newt in a cravat said, ‘Good evening to you.’

He asked for a snack, so I offered some cheese—
But he sneezed on my cat and dissolved half the trees.
Then he danced on my roof, ate my weather forecast,
And declared he would marry my gramophone… fast.

So I pickled him, neatly, in vinegar brine,
With mustard, three cloves, and a touch of moonshine.
For ninety-nine years he’s been floating in stew,
Occasionally shouting, ‘I do, I do, I doooo!

And that, dear Alice, is why—if you please—
One must never serve cheese to amphibians with knees.”

Alice blinked twice, then looked toward the shelf.
And slowly edged farther away from the elf.
“Is he dangerous?” she whispered, aghast.

Fle shrugged.
“Only if he gets out of the jar made of glass.”

Just then, the jar rattled, and a soft burp was heard—
Followed closely by a very rude word.
Fle sprang to his feet (as far as he could),
And stuffed the jar under a cloak made of wood.

“No more questions,” he said, “about pickling fate.
Let’s talk about teapots. Or how I once flew a plate.”

The Pickled Newt Incident

 
 

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Alice and Fle went fishing one day…

Alice and Fle went fishing one day…

“Fle and the Fishing Fiasco”

On a mossy green bank where the daffodils grow,
Sat Alice and Fle with their toes all aglow.
Their lines dipped down in a wiggly stream,
In pursuit of a trout or a daydreamy dream.

Old Fle had a beard that was longer than sense,
He used it to dry off the fish from the fence.
(Yes, there was a fence, in the river somehow—
A trout swam through and said, “Do mind the cow.”)

“Now patience,” said Fle, “is the fisher’s true friend—”
Then his hook snatched his hat and flung it round the bend.
Alice just giggled and pointed with glee,
As a soggy old boot clung fast to poor Fle.

“Have you caught anything?” Alice asked with delight.
“Just a cold,” muttered Fle, “and a ticklish bite.”
He reeled in a sock, then a spoon, then a snail,
Then a rather surprised and still-reading quail.

“Perhaps,” said young Alice, “we should try further down?”
But Fle shook his head and adjusted his frown.
“I once caught a mermaid right here in this brook—
Though she tricked me and swapped all my coins for a book.”

Then something enormous gave both lines a tug!
A fish? A frog? A submerged garden rug?
The rods flew high in a loop-de-loop arc—
And landed them both in the mud with a SPARK!

Covered in slime and some algae and twigs,
Alice declared, “That’s enough chasing pigs!”
But Fle just grinned, with a glint in his eye,
“Fishing,” he said, “isn’t really to try.

“It’s for thinking, and sitting, and listening to bees,
And falling in rivers and scraping your knees.
And if you’re quite lucky, you might catch a trout—
But mostly you’re lucky just getting back out!

alice and fle went fishing one day

 

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Alice in Ballykillduff

You don’t have to be mad to visit here, but it helps

you don't have to be mad to visit here, but it helps

You don’t have to be mad to visit here, but it helps

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Alice in Ballykillduff

Alice fell through a hole in a very odd hedge,
Tumbled past turnips, a cow, and a ledge,
She landed with grace (well, almost—a thud)
In Ballykillduff, face-first in the mud.

She stood and she blinked at the curious crowd—
A goat played the trumpet unusually loud.
A pig sold balloons shaped like clouds and like cheese,
And someone was painting a portrait of peas.

“Where am I?” asked Alice. A sheep in a hat
Replied, “In the village of Ballykillduff! That’s that!”
“We’re preparing,” it said, “for the Sheep Racing Fair,
Where ewes take to flight through the midsummer air!”

She wandered through stalls where the jelly was wobbly,
The fudge slightly rude, and the sandwiches snobbly.
A tractor called Muriel whistled and said,
“Hop on for a tour! Don’t step on my tread.”

She met Grandmother McSnoop who could juggle live frogs,
And a choir of hens that sang sea shanty songs.
Two monks brewed a soda that made her see stars,
And a badger confessed he’d once stolen some jars.

At noon came the races—explosions of wool!
Jetpacks on sheep made the sky rather full.
They looped and they zoomed in a blizzard of fluff,
As Alice cried out, “This is quite mad enough!”

But just as she thought things could not get more strange,
The moon sprouted legs and danced down the lane.
The mayor declared, “That’s our satellite samba!”
And offered her tea served in hats made of llama.

At sunset, the hills all began to recite
Limericks backwards while glowing with light.
The cows held a disco, the ducks held a vote,
And a hedgehog proposed—in a velvet-lined coat.

“Dear Ballykillduff,” Alice whispered with glee,
“You’re wonderfully odd and quite perfect for me.”
Then the beetroot returned and it opened a crack—
“Time to go home, if you want to go back…”

She waved her goodbyes to the sheep and the crowd,
To the tractor, the frogs, and the goose dressed in shroud.
And she whispered as Ballykillduff slipped from view,
“That was stranger than Wonderland—and the scones were quite new.”

 

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Doctor Who? NO, Doctor POO!

Doctor Who? NO, Doctor POO!

Some Doctor Poo questions to ponder.

Doctor Who? No, it's Doctor Poo!

 

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Doctor Poo, just joking!

Doctor Poo, just joking!

Why did Doctor Poo get kicked out of the time-traveling bathroom?

Because he kept flushing the timeline!

doctor poo, just joking!

 
 

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