Does Joe
There once was a slug called Joe
Who wished he were fast, not slow
Until one day while alone
He saw a snail struggling; carrying its home
Now he slimes about happily: does Joe

I found it so hard to get off to sleep last night, twisting and turning under the ‘tremendous’ weight of the quilt. And it was so hot, it was so incredibly hot – I just couldn’t understand it.
It must have been well past one a.m. before I finally dozed off, only to be awoken soon after, by a fear, a terrible sensation that something was in the room with us, something skulking, ready to get me, and to snuff out my miserable existence.
I tried to shout, to scream, to let my wife, Breda, know of the danger we were in, but I
couldn’t make a sound, not the slightest utterance left my startled lips. Then I began
rising, floating out and away from the bed. It wasn’t far mind you, no more than a few feet,
but more than enough to send my already frightened mind racing into startled convulsions.
Shouting, sweating, shaking, trembling with fear I suddenly awoke, having escaped from
this terrifying dream – It was only a dream, wasn’t it?
Breda insisted that it was only a dream. She told me not to be so silly, to go to sleep, that
everything would be all right in the morning. And I tried, I really tried so hard to get back to
sleep, to the good pattern of sleep that I am so fortunate to enjoy. But I was just so
uncomfortable, where neither my right or left-hand side was an option to lie on. The only
way that I could find any degree of comfort was in lying on my back. And that, unfortunately, was where it all began again!
I relaxed and drifted off to sleep, restful sleep, and it was a nice sleep, but so short, so
incredibly short. I had barely lost consciousness when I heard something, something so
very close to my ear, so close I could hear its every word, speaking, mumbling, and
gurgling. I awoke; it awoke me with a start, and for a moment, a brief instant, I thought I
saw a figure, a dark figure, a form skulking away from our bed, to the shadows in the darkest corner of the room. Putting it down to my imagination and perhaps even to the two
drinks that I had enjoyed before retiring, I again closed my eyes and relaxed, returning to
my slumbers.
But it returned, the voice, the speaking, and the mumblings, the unintelligible one-way
conversation awoke me with a start, and once again I saw a shadowy figure returning,
disappearing in the darkest part of the room.
This terrible process, this mocking torture repeated itself over and over again for the
remainder of the night, until the breaking dawn allowed me to asleep proper, and in
safety.
It rang; the alarm ringing so close to my ears told me that I had rested enough, that there
was a whole new day awaiting my attention. Yawning, I dragged myself out of bed, and
putting on my dressing gown and slippers I made my way across to the window, where I
opened the blinds. Yawning again, I inspected the day. It was a cold, dark, grey winter’s
morning. I wished that I had could have returned to my bed, to sleep, oh how I wished.
Something on the floor in the darkest part of the room, where I had seen the frightening
figure returning to again and again, suddenly caught my attention. It was a book. Bending
down, I picked it up; it was the book, the very same book that I had been reading in bed
the night before. But how did it get here? Scratching my head, thinking that was a
question too far, especially since I was so tired, I closed the book and returned it to its
place on my bedside locker. Then I saw its title, and I read it, it said, ‘Short, Scary Stories’.
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddlebags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”
And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures—Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.”
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”
And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”
“YAHOO,” said Abraham..
And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that’s the truth.
I thought you might enjoy reading this.
Got a hot date?
If it’s with a human, you’ll probably have to rely on the classic wooing strategies: flowers, chocolates, dinner and dancing, smelling good, etc.
But in the animal kingdom, courtship often has a different flavor. I combed back through the archives of New Scientist’s Zoologger, a weekly column about extraordinary animals, and turned up some unusual techniques that other creatures use to seduce their chosen mate.
Bugs stab their sweethearts in the stomach.
Male bed bugs and bat bugs use sharp penises to stab their partners in the abdomen and deliver sperm directly into the blood. Bean weevils, who have huge and spiny penises, also lacerate their mates during sex.
Koalas use a sexy voice.
Koalas bellow to attractive females in an unusually deep voice. Their mating song, which sounds “more like a series of burps and snores,” is 20 times lower than scientists would expect the little…
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I’m not mad; mad, mad mad,
I’m not mad – not me!
I’m not mad, mad mad, mad,
Mad, mad, mad, oh hee.
I’M NOT MAD, am I?
I came across this on YouTube, and thought you would LOVE to hear – and see – it.
*
00:00 01. Blockbuster
03:08 02. Hell Raiser
06:20 03. Ballroom Blitz
10:16 04. Teenage Rampage
13:38 05. Co-Co
16:41 06. The Six Teens
20:38 07. Love is like Oxygen
27:18 08. Papa Joe
30:16 09. Funny Funny
32:56 10. Turn It Down
36:22 11. Alexander Graham Bell
39:10 12. Lies In Your Eyes
42:48 13. Action
46:25 14. Little Willy
49:31 15. Wig-Wam Bang
52:27 16. Fox On The Run
55;40 17. Call Me
58:25 18. Stairway To The Stars
1:01:25 19. Lost Angels
1:05:15 20. Burning
1:09:12 21. Fever Of Love
1:13:06 22. Sixties Man
*****
“Hurdy Gurdy Man” with extra verse from “Live in Japan 1973” album.
Thrown like a star in my vast sleep
I opened my eyes to take a peek
To find that I was by the sea
Gazing with tranquility
‘Tis then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man
He comes singing the songs of love
Then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man
He comes singing the songs of love
“Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy”, he sang
“Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy”, he sang
“Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy”, he sang
Histories of ages past
Hung in light and shadows cast
Down through all eternity
The crying of humanity
‘Tis then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man
He comes singing the songs of love
Then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man
He comes singing the songs of love
“Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy”, he sang
“Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy”, he sang
“Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy”, he sang
Extra verse (written by George Harrison and Donovan)
When truth gets very deep
Beneath a thousand years of sleep
Time demands a turn around
And once again the truth is found
Awakening the Hurdy Gurdy Man
Who comes singing the songs of love
Here come the Hurdy Gurdy Man
And his singing the songs of love
“Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy”, he sang
“Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy”, he sang
“Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy”, he sang
“Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy”, he sang.
**************