The Daleks and the Graveyard of Ballykillduff
Chapter One: The Midnight Patrol
It was a damp, moonlit night when Dalek Zeg announced to the others:
“REPORT: SUSPICIOUS MOANING SOUNDS DETECTED FROM THE OLD GRAVEYARD.”
Dalek Pog shuddered.
“MOANING IS A CLASSIC GHOST SIGNATURE. ALSO… IT IS PAST MY BEDTIME.”
“DALEKS DO NOT SLEEP!” barked Commander Zog. “WE SHALL INVESTIGATE.”
And so, with a clatter of wheels and a faint squeak of plungers, the Daleks rolled through the creaking gates of Ballykillduff’s graveyard.
The villagers, naturally, followed them for entertainment. “It’ll be better than the telly,” whispered Mrs. Brennan.
Chapter Two: Strange Noises
The graveyard was full of shadows. Headstones leaned at odd angles. The wind whistled through the yew trees.
Then came the sound.
A long, low groan, rising from the earth itself.
“Moooooooooo…”
Dalek Zag panicked.
“IT IS THE VOICE OF THE DEAD!”
Father Murphy peered closer. “No, lads — it’s just Doyle’s cow in the next field.”
But before they could relax, another voice whispered from the soil.
“…Leave… or lie with us forever…”
The villagers gasped. Even the cow stopped mooing.
Chapter Three: The First Apparition
A mist curled around the graves. Out of it stepped a translucent figure — tall, robed, with hollow eyes.
“TRESPASSERS,” it intoned. “DISTURBERS OF THE DEAD.”
Dalek Pog quivered.
“I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR HAUNTED AGRICULTURAL SETTINGS.”
Dalek Zog fired. The beam passed straight through the ghost and vaporised a headstone. The name Patrick O’Rourke, 1822–1876 vanished forever.
“BLASPHEMY!” cried the ghost. “YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT!”
Chapter Four: The Ghostly Choir
From the ground, more spirits rose. Dozens of them. They formed a circle around the Daleks, faces pale, mouths open.
Then — they began to sing.
Not a hymn. Not a lament.
But a terrible, echoing chorus of “Oooooooobey… Oooooooobey…”
The Daleks went rigid.
“ERROR. THE DEAD ARE CHANTING OUR SLOGAN.”
“DOES THAT MAKE THEM SUPPORTERS?” asked Pog nervously.
The villagers were less convinced. “That’s not right at all,” muttered Mrs. McGillicuddy, clutching her rolling pin.
Chapter Five: The Terrible Revelation
One ghost stepped forward. His voice was stronger than the rest.
“We remember you, Daleks. We faced you long ago, before Ballykillduff was even built. You destroyed our ploughs, our cows, our tea urns. We were EXTERMINATED.”
The Daleks recoiled.
“ERROR. WE DO NOT REMEMBER THIS CAMPAIGN.”
“Of course you don’t,” the ghost said. “Because it never happened. But we have eternity to spread rumours. And fear is power.”
The spirits began to advance, their chants growing louder.
Chapter Six: The Ballykillduff Defence
Dalek Zog was cornered.
“STRATEGY REQUIRED. GHOSTS CANNOT BE EXTERMINATED. THEY MUST BE… OUT-PARISHED.”
So he did the only thing he could think of.
He rang the graveyard bell.
The sound boomed across the village. And, as Ballykillduff tradition demanded, the villagers all joined in with the bell’s rhythm — clapping, stamping, singing.
The chaotic noise drowned out the ghosts’ chant. The spirits faltered.
Mrs. McGillicuddy leapt forward with her rolling pin. “Go back to your beds, you crowd of eejits!”
The ghosts wailed, shivered, and one by one, dissolved back into the earth.
Epilogue
The graveyard was silent once more. The villagers cheered. Father Murphy crossed himself.
The Daleks, however, were thoughtful.
“CONCLUSION: BALLYKILLDUFF IS MORE TERRIFYING THAN ANY SPECTRE.”
“AGREED,” said Pog. “NEXT TIME, LET’S STICK TO ROAD MAINTENANCE.”
And if you pass by the graveyard on a moonlit night, you might still hear the faintest echo of the ghostly choir, singing just for mischief:
“Ooooooobey… Oooooobey…”
The Crazymad Writer Writes Again 