Marilyn Manson- You’re So Vain ft. Johnny Depp
Category Archives: fantasy
Fantastic Beasts and where to find them
Fantastic Beasts and where to find them,
That’s the aim and conundrum,
For they are keen and magical too,
And if not careful they will get you.
*
So when you set off with wand in hand,
Make sure it’s primed with magical rhymes,
For as sure as night follows each day,
You will need that magic to get your way.
*
And if you do, if you kill those beasts,
And make the world safe from gruesome deeds,
Don’t you forget how many there are,
Waiting, just waiting to strike from afar.
Fantastic Beats and where to find them
Reilly, the Slug
There once was a slug called Reilly,
Who was incredibly slimy,
He thought he was smart,
Going out in the dark,
Until he fell down in a hole, did Reilly.
While stuck in that dark place,
Reilly thought about his life and his fate,
About the jerk he had been,
To everyone he had seen,
So he promised to be good, did Reilly.
Suddenly, a stick falling into the hole,
Presented a way to escape from it all,
Freed from that space,
Reilly forgot his promise, though great.
And returned to his bad ways, did Reilly.
One day when Reilly was alone,
He forgot to cover up his dank home,
It was an incredibly hot day,
The sun shone brightly away,
Drying him up, that slug, old Reilly,
The moral of my story is this,
Treat everyone you meet with a wish,
That their life is just fine,
Untroubled by lying and slime,
Don’t end up like silly old Reilly.
Aliens Have Landed!
Aliens landed in Ballykilduff,
Aliens landed; that is a fact,
In the dark of the night it happened, it did,
At the end of my garden they landed, then hid.
Breda, dear Breda, wake up, will you please?
Something is happening; I am all in a tizz!
Leave me alone, she answered, I’m beat,
With those words on her lips she fell fast asleep.
Donning my gown and slippers I left,
Her sleeping soundly as into the kitchen I crept,
Taking hold of light; the torch, my best friend,
Into the garden I stealthily went.
Along the path, man and light progressed,
Over the fence, into the field with its guests,
Pointing my torch at some little green men,
I saw aliens a plenty around a spaceship broken.
What are they doing? I said far too loud,
Signalling my place, my location – and how,
Pointing their guns, the aliens zapped me with rays,
Blue, yellow and green, orange and grey.
Thinking my time was finished, all gone,
I fell to the ground, awaiting the anon,
Sorry about that, one of them said, helping me up
We thought you were a cow, wanting to eat us all up
What are you doing? I asked, with curious eyes,
Seeing them cutting the grass, taking it inside,
We are refuelling our spaceship, he told me quite proud,
We get one light year per armful, he said out aloud.
That’s amazing, I said, can I go see inside?
Sorry, he answered, it’s too small for your like,
Laughing, I asked if there was anything they need,
Yes, he told me forthrightly, can we have some tea?
Tea? I asked, you drink tea way up there,
In outer space, with its atmosphere rare?
No, silly, he replied, it’s to pour down our boots,
We never travel with them empty, forsooth.
You pour tea down your boots? I laughed out loud,
What does it do, make you fly like a bird?
It does, he told me, how did you know that?
Was your mother or father an alien, or even the cat?
Just then I heard something, someone calling to me,
Gerrard, wake up, its morning; here is your tea,
Opening my eyes, I saw Breda my wife,
Offering the cup of plenty, tea of my life.
Where are my boots? I asked, still half sleep,
I want them, I need them; oh where are they please?
They are under the bed, here, she said, offering them to me,
Why do you want them before drinking your tea?
Accepting my boots, I poured in the tea,
What on earth are you doing? she asked warily,
I don’t go anywhere, I told her, without filling them first,
Can I have another cup, I asked, because I sure have a thirst.
The moral of my story is this:
Don’t go anyway to Ballykilduff, give it a miss,
Things are happening in spaceships; it’s true,
Aliens aplenty are waiting for YOU.
Ermaddogan
Ermaddogan is my pet,
A beastie, that’s him,
Though howling and snarling,
He is always my darling,
My sweetie, my beastie, Ermaddogan.
*****
Please note: any similarity between my pet and Erdogan,
the President of Turkey, is purely coincidental.
David Cameron’s EU referendum plan
You put the right side in,
The left side out,
In, out, in, out,
Shake it all about,
You do the votey, votey,
And we turn around,
That’s what EU’s about.
Whoa, votey, votey,
Whoa, the votey, votey,
Whoa, the votey, votey,
Hell-bent, downward trend, blah, blah, blah!
You put Eurocrats in,
Democracy out,
In, out, in, out,
Mix it all about,
You do the votey, votey,
And we turn around,
That’s what EU’s about.
Whoa, votey, votey,
Whoa, the votey, votey,
Whoa, the votey, votey,
Hell-bent, downward trend, blah, blah, blah!
You put the fat cats in,
And freedom out,
In, out, in, out,
Shake it all about,
You do the votey, votey,
And we turn around,
That’s what EU’s about.
Whoa, votey, votey,
Whoa, the votey, votey,
Whoa, the votey, votey,
Hell-bent, downward trend, blah, blah, blah!
You put the fascists in,
Your liberty out,
In, out, in, out,
Shake it all about,
You do the votey, votey,
And we turn around,
That’s what EU’s about.
Whoa, votey, votey,
Whoa, the votey, votey,
Whoa, the votey, votey,
Hell-bent, downward trend, blah, blah, blah!
You put your whole world in,
Your old life out,
In, out, in, out,
Shake it all about,
You do the votey, votey,
And we turn around,
That’s what EU’s about,
Whoa, votey, votey,
Whoa, the votey, votey,
Whoa, the votey, votey,
Hell-bent, downward trend, blah, blah, blah!!!
The Circus of Grotesques
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The Circus of Grotesques: it will change your life FOREVER.An odd, bizarre and definitely STRANGE short story. Moreover, it’s absolutely and utterly free!
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There once was a Slug called Reilly
There once was a slug called Reilly,
Who was incredibly slimy,
He thought he was smart,
Going out in the dark,
Until he fell down in a hole, did Reilly.
While stuck in that dark place,
Reilly thought about his life and his fate,
About the jerk he had been,
To everyone he had seen,
So he promised to be good, did Reilly.
Suddenly, a stick falling into the hole,
Presented a way to escape from it all,
Freed from that space,
Reilly forgot his promise, though great.
And returned to his bad ways, did Reilly.
One day when Reilly was alone,
He forgot to cover up his dank home,
It was an incredibly hot day,
The sun shone brightly away,
Drying him up, that slug, old Reilly,
The moral of my story is this,
Treat everyone you meet with a wish,
That their life is just fine,
Untroubled by…
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Wot, Nott, Kakuri and the HU BA HOU
An Extract:
31st December
Sitting atop his hound-horse, Nott withdrew his cigarette lighter from out of his pocket, then reciting some words that had mysteriously come to him only a few earlier, he said, “I hold this item in this my hand, to act as a bridge in these our plans. We need a distraction, a disturbance right now to help Kakuri and the HU BA HOU
Nott had no sooner finished speaking when the sky above him begin to darken and grow angry. Dark clouds appearing from out of nowhere grew larger and larger and blacker and blacker until they had joined together uniting in one congealed mass of anger. In a few short minutes the sky had changed from a deep summer blue to a blackness so dark, day had turned to night. Some of the hound-horses nervously sidestepped, their handlers struggled to calm them. The wind began to blow, soft at first, but increasingly stronger. Then the heavens opened in a deluge of rain, thunder and lightning – a full-blown storm was upon them…
A storm was exactly what Kakuri had needed, and through the driving rain she spoke to the HU BA HOU, “Now my friend, it’s up to you – do your best.” And with those words still lingering in its ears the huge animal took off at full-gallop heading straight for the Timeless Gates guarding Onisha City. The animal, sensing that this was the final offensive, kept its large heavyset and armour-plated head well down. The storm was so intense Kakuri had, after only a few seconds, lost all sense of direction – she had no way of knowing if they were still heading for the Timeless Gates and all she could do was trust the HU BA HOU, and hold on tight.
As if that were not enough to be worried about, Kiliki had meanwhile given the order to the assembled and impatient Onishians to attack. The entire rag-tag collection of Onishians and Orlu (not forgetting their assorted animals) were now hot on Kakuri’s heels with no intention of being left behind out in the middle of nowhere, and in such a terrible storm. Everyone was soaked to the skin as they all rushed headlong into the unknown. Some shouted, others roared and still others screamed with the delight they felt rising up against the man who had promised so much, who had given so little and who taken everything.
The armour plating sparkled with the reflections of the lightning flashes. It clanged as the plates collided with one another and if there was anybody in the city capable of seeing through the blinding rain they would have been filled with the fear of God.
Unexpectedly, the HU BA HOU stopped just short of the gates. Everyone following stopped dead in their tracks, wondering what could be the problem. Then the tank, the ugly humpy-tank of an animal standing just short of the gates clawed at the ground (like a bull), rose up on its hind legs (like a horse) and roared with the ear-shattering cry unique to itself. And raising its large head one last time emitted another ear-shattering roar before hurling itself forward with the gates set firmly in its sights…
Nott, watching from the relative safety of a short distance behind, wondered how this had all come about. Why, only a few days earlier he had been all set for Christmas, and a well-earned rest. And now he was in an alien land, about to follow a fair maiden atop an abomination of a creature called a HU BA HOU, in an assault on a walled city searching for a man called Miafra, a man who had stopped time, who had stolen the chi (the free will) of the people and who had drained the powers of the most revered Mystic in the entire land; a man who would be a God.
CONTD
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