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Category Archives: humor

You Are Old, Father William

Stories for kids 1

You Are Old, Father William

By Lewis Carroll

“You are old, Father William,” the young man said,
“And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head—
Do you think, at your age, it is right?”

“In my youth,” Father William replied to his son,
“I feared it might injure the brain;
But now that I’m perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again.”

“You are old,” said the youth, “As I mentioned before,
And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door—
Pray, what is the reason of that?”

“In my youth,” said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
“I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment—one shilling the box—
Allow me to sell you a couple?”

“You are old,” said the youth, “And your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak—
Pray, how did you manage to do it?”

“In my youth,” said his father, “I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life.”

“You are old,” said the youth, “one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose—
What made you so awfully clever?”

“I have answered three questions, and that is enough,”
Said his father; “don’t give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I’ll kick you down stairs!”

 
 

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The Walrus and the Carpenter by Lewis Carroll

The Walrus and the Carpenter

The Walrus and the Carpenter

by Lewis Carroll

The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright–
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.

The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done–
“It’s very rude of him,” she said,
“To come and spoil the fun!”

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead–
There were no birds to fly.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
“If this were only cleared away,”
They said, “it would be grand!”

“If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year.
Do you suppose,” the Walrus said,
“That they could get it clear?”
“I doubt it,” said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.

“O Oysters, come and walk with us!”
The Walrus did beseech.
“A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each.”

The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head–
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.

But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat–
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn’t any feet.

Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more–
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.

“The time has come,” the Walrus said,
“To talk of many things:
Of shoes–and ships–and sealing-wax–
Of cabbages–and kings–
And why the sea is boiling hot–
And whether pigs have wings.”

“But wait a bit,” the Oysters cried,
“Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!”
“No hurry!” said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

“A loaf of bread,” the Walrus said,
“Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed–
Now if you’re ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed.”

“But not on us!” the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
“After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!”
“The night is fine,” the Walrus said.
“Do you admire the view?

“It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!”
The Carpenter said nothing but
“Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf–
I’ve had to ask you twice!”

“It seems a shame,” the Walrus said,
“To play them such a trick,
After we’ve brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!”
The Carpenter said nothing but
“The butter’s spread too thick!”

“I weep for you,” the Walrus said:
“I deeply sympathize.”
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

“O Oysters,” said the Carpenter,
“You’ve had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?’
But answer came there none–
And this was scarcely odd, because
They’d eaten every one.

 

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The Whizzpopper Song, by The BFG (and Sophie)

“A whizzpopper!” cried the BFG, beaming at her. “Us giants is making whizzpoppers all the time! Whizzpopping is a sign of happiness. It is music in our ears! You surely is not telling me that a little whizzpopping if forbidden among human beans?”
― Roald Dahl, The BFG

 
 

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Timeshare Tout

Timeshare tout,

How I want to shout,

To tell you to feck off,

Timeshare tout.

 
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Posted by on June 17, 2014 in humor, humour, news, poems

 

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THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY!

THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY!

*************

 
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Posted by on May 30, 2014 in humor, humour, news

 

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♪♫♪ As Bonkers as Conkers ♪♫♪

♪♫♪ As Bonkers as Conkers ♪♫♪

As bonkers as conkers,

That’s how it goes,

As bonkers as conkers,

Everyone knows,

Stories for children and adults alike,

As bonkers as conkers, you’ll like.

**************

 
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Posted by on May 29, 2014 in humor, humour, Song

 

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Paddy was a farmer

Paddy was a farmer, ploughing every day,

Up and down the furrows he went his merry way,

Until one day, when it happened,

When he found a hidden cache,

Revealed by his plough, he was totally aghast.

Well, by George, he shouted,

I am rich as rich can be,

Gold and jewels and coins and stuff,

That’s the end of farming for me.

*****************

 
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Posted by on May 20, 2014 in humor, humour, poems

 

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Johnny was a barber

Johnny was a barber; he loved his job, he did,

Cutting people’s hair and mowing others wigs.

Until one day he reeled back, shocked by what he saw,

A hole in the head of a customer, a man quite old and poor,

Why don’t you go to the doctor? he asked the man out loud,

To get it fixed and filled in quick, that’s what I’d do, he cried,

Oh, no, I can’t do that, the old man then answered him,

I have had it, there, for forty years; it’s now part of me, he grinned,

I would miss it, that hole up there; he went on to explain,

Please trim the hear, he said to John, but mind the hole he warned.

*******************

 
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Posted by on May 20, 2014 in humor, humour, poems

 

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Sugar; one lump or two?

Sugar; one lump or two?

I am a poor mouse, it said sadly to her,
A very poor mouse, you can tell by my fur,
So ragged and reek, split ends I am sure,
I am a poor mouse – will you confer?
.
Yes, you are a poor mouse, Alice dryly replied,
An abysmally poor one – can I take you aside?
For the Hatter, so mad, is searching for you,
To stuff into his pot with its heavenly brew.
.
Oh I am lost, the mouse cried out in shock,
The Hatter, so mad, wants me inside his pot,
And the Rabbit, so white, with his blackest of souls,
Will keep you in there ‘til you’ve expired – so I’m told.
.
What can I do – oh, Alice, please help,
Save my life, my moth eaten old pelt.
I cannot save you, for the Hatter and Rabbit are here,
And I am so thirsty – where’s your pot my old dears?
.
The pot it is here, the Hatter and Rabbit replied,
Quick, squeeze him inside, that’s where he’ll reside,
Amidst the tea leaves, mixed up with the brew,
The Mouse will make history. Sugar; one lump or two?

*

 

 

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The day the weather went mad

The day the weather went mad

Was a day I thought I had been had,

By a weather extreme; quite obscene,

The day the weather went mad.

*****************

 
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Posted by on May 12, 2014 in humor, humour, poems

 

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