Apples are produce,
Unless they drop on your head,
Then they are pondered,
Except if you’re dead.
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Category Archives: humor
Satan Appeared
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
Satan asked, “Aren’t you going to run?”
“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”
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Lucky Five?
I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my best friend Jeff. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the craziest dream the other night. Jeff listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge glowing number “5”. It was made of gold and sparkled with shiny diamonds. Jeff’s curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the 5th race.
Jeff raised an eyebrow. I told him that the #5 horse in the 5th race was named “The 5th Element.” Jeff started grinning. Then I told him point-by-point what I did that entire day.
I ate 5 bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank 5 cups of coffee
I went for a 5 mile jog to clear my head
I took a 5 minute shower to rinse off
I dressed in the 5th suit I found in my closet
I sat in my car for 5 minutes before starting it
I drove to the racetrack and parked in the 5th stall in the 5th row
I entered through the 5th admissions gate
I bought 5 programs
I went to the 5th betting window and bet $555 on the 5th horse in the 5th race
I went and sat in the 5th row of the bleachers making sure there were 5 people sitting on both sides of me.
I settled in and waited for the race to start.
“Well,” said Jeff. “Did your horse win??”
I frowned at Jeff and said, “Stupid horse came in 5th.”
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I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU CALL ME
AS LONG AS YOU ENJOY READING MY STORIES.
OH NO, I GOT A COLD!
OH NO, I GOT A COLD
By Pam Ayres
That bloke in the telly adverts,
He’s supposed to have a cold.
He has a swig of whatnot
And he drops off, good as gold,
His face like snowing harvest
Slips into sweet repose.
Well I bet this tortured breathing
Never whistled down his nose.
I burnt me bit of dinner
Cause I’ve lost me sense of smell,
But then, I couldn’t taste it,
So that worked out very well,
I’d buy some, down the cafe,
But I know that at the till,
A voice from work will softly say
“I thought that you were ill”.
So I’m wrapped up in a blanket
With me feet up on a stool,
I’ve watched the telly programmes
And the kids come home from school,
But what I haven’t watched for
Is any sympathy,
Cause all you ever get is:
“Oh no, keep away from me!”
Medicinal discovery,
It moves in mighty leaps,
It leapt straight past the common cold
And gave it us for keeps.
Now I’m not a fussy woman,
There’s no malice in me eye
But I wish that they could cure
the common cold. That’s all. Goodbye.
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Potholes from Hell
Potholes from Hell
When I am out driving my car,
I love my car; it’s a fine old car,
I watch the road ahead,
The road ahead, for potholes ahead,
Irish roads are a disgrace,
It’s a pothole place – a dangerous place!
*
While out walking the street,
On my two feet, my own two feet,
I fell into a pothole big,
Very big – extremely big,
It broke my face, my poor old face,
It’s a shocking disgrace!
*
I wrote to the Council,
And told them this, that I hurt myself,
In a pothole big – extremely big,
They said me, poor old me,
They would sell me the stuff,
The pothole stuff,
So I could fill them in,
The potholes in,
*
It’s a funny old world, isn’t it?
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I once had a car, so fine
I once had a car, so fine,
I washed it all of the time,
From morning to night,
Until I caught fright,
When it crumbled to rust, so fine.
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Cola Blue
Cola Blue
It’s new; cola BLUE,
An icy mint flavour,
Made especially for you!
Are you willing, are you game,
To break the taboo,
Of drinking anything other than THAT cola, yes you!
*
Forget red and the white,
The new colour is blue,
I knew you would try it,
Icy cold Blue.
It’s cool and it’s bright,
A minty delight,
Drink Cola Blue,
Made especially for you!
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Stories for children and young at heart adults
I don’t care what you call me
as long as you enjoy reading my stories
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The Flintstones get a phone call from the Crazymad Writer
The Flintstones get a phone call from the Crazymad Writer.
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No Trespassing
No trespassing, that’s what the words read,
No trespassing, it’s what the sign said,
As I approached the gate upon which it was on,
The words, no trespassing, dared me to come on.
*
A voice in my head told me to ignore it, that sign,
It said there was something exciting to find,
In the field behind them, gate and its sign,
Are you afraid, the voice asked, or do you think I am lying?
*
No, I am not afraid, I answered it back,
My gut feeling, though, tells me to shy away from this tack,
Are you man or a mouse? It said mocking me so,
I am a man, I answered, a man on the go.
*
So I climbed over the gate and stepped into that field,
A green, luscious sward that was ever so still,
Seeing nothing at all, there, other than grass,
I wondered, yes wondered, where it was at.
*
Suddenly, startlingly, I heard a snort and a wheeze,
Then I saw it, a bull galloping towards me,
So I darted away from it as fast as I could,
And clambered back over that gate made of wood.
*
The moral of my story, my scary story, is this,
When out in the country give gates a miss,
Don’t listen to voices inside your head,
Stick to your gut feeling, it’s safer, instead.
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I don’t care what you call me
as long as you enjoy reading my stories
The Crazymad Writer Writes Again 