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Tag Archives: joke

A Fart Poem

24 Apr

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud.

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known,
To sound just like a song.

Some farts do not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger awhile.

A fart can create
A most-curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, but deadly.

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairies,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of us
Sooner or later.

So be not afraid
Of the invisible gas,
For always remember,
That farts, too, shall pass.

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Courtesy of http://www.thefartmachine.com

 
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Posted by on April 24, 2014 in humor, humour, joke

 

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Slug Joke

18 Apr

Slug Joke

“What is the difference between a slug and a bag of salt?” Bert asked his friend Fred.
“Go on, tell me,” Fred answered.
“Salt makes your food taste better; slugs, however, shrivel and up and die if they come into contact with salt.
“That’s terrible!” Fred protested. “That’s not a joke!”
“You think it’s terrible?” Bert replied, flapping his arms about wildly, with excitement. “Imagine how the poor slugs feel!”

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Posted by on April 18, 2014 in humor, humour, joke

 

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Satan Appeared

07 Apr

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan asked, “Aren’t you going to run?”

“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”

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Posted by on April 7, 2014 in humor, humour, joke

 

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Lucky Five?

07 Apr

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my best friend Jeff. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the craziest dream the other night. Jeff listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge glowing number “5”. It was made of gold and sparkled with shiny diamonds. Jeff’s curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the 5th race.

Jeff raised an eyebrow. I told him that the #5 horse in the 5th race was named “The 5th Element.” Jeff started grinning. Then I told him point-by-point what I did that entire day.

I ate 5 bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank 5 cups of coffee

I went for a 5 mile jog to clear my head

I took a 5 minute shower to rinse off

I dressed in the 5th suit I found in my closet

I sat in my car for 5 minutes before starting it

I drove to the racetrack and parked in the 5th stall in the 5th row

I entered through the 5th admissions gate

I bought 5 programs

I went to the 5th betting window and bet $555 on the 5th horse in the 5th race

I went and sat in the 5th row of the bleachers making sure there were 5 people sitting on both sides of me.

I settled in and waited for the race to start.

“Well,” said Jeff. “Did your horse win??”

I frowned at Jeff and said, “Stupid horse came in 5th.”

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Posted by on April 7, 2014 in humor, humour, joke

 

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Skoda

14 Mar

I’ve just bought the new 16 valve Skoda …….4 in the engine, 12 in the radio!

(If you understand this and you are under 40 then you need to get out more)

 
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Posted by on March 14, 2014 in humor, humour, joke

 

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HO HO

13 Mar

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911 (999), gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said “Are they in your house?” He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. “I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!” Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, “I thought you said you had shot them all!” The man answered, “I thought you said there were no police available!”

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Posted by on March 13, 2014 in Stories for children

 

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HA HA

13 Mar

This man comes through a door to the bar and slipped on a pile of crap, he mumbles and brushes himself off. He orders a drink and sits down. A few minutes later a younger man walks through the door yelling and screaming, and he slips on the pile of crap. He gets up and looks around, and then he sits down next to the older guy. The older man says, “I did that!” The younger man punches the old man and leaves.

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Posted by on March 13, 2014 in Stories for children

 

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FIRE!

04 Mar

A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted “Avalanche!” The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted “Flood!” and escaped. The teacher was then lead out. The squad took aim and the teacher, remembering how the other two had escaped, shouted “Fire!”
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sparkClick HERE to visit my online book shop,

where you can purchase my eBooks

**********

 

I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU CALL ME

AS LONG AS YOU ENJOY READING MY STORIES.

 
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Posted by on March 4, 2014 in humor, humour, joke, Stories for children

 

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A really Funny Horse Joke

25 Feb

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God.

Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?”

Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “heyhey!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff.

Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.”

 

I don’t care what you call me

as long as you enjoy reading my stories.

 
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Posted by on February 25, 2014 in humor, humour, joke

 

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The Greatest Joke Ever?!?

25 Feb

The following was voted the greatest joke ever. I am not so sure that it is so. Read it yourself, then let me know how you liked it, or not.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

 
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Posted by on February 25, 2014 in humor, humour, joke

 

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