I Am NOT Roald Dahl,
I am NOT, no, no!
I am NOT Roald Dahl,
Please let it GO!
I am something quite different,
From that man, it’s a fact,
I am my very own self,
Now where is my cat?
Category Archives: funny story
I am Not Roald Dahl
It was cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey
It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships.
But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was a major problem.
The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem — how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others..
Answer.
The solution was a metal plate with 16 round dimples, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls quickly rusted to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make the plates of brass – hence, Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts more. More rapidly than iron when chilled.
Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that it was just a vulgar expression, didn’t you?
Beer, beer, good for the heart
Last weekend my wife said I had too much home brew in my shed, and that I should tip some out.
Not wanting to cause a domestic, I agreed, and set to the task.
However I did not see the sense in wasting it all so I decided that I would tip every second bottle and drink the other.
So, I opened the first bottle and tipped it down the sink. Then I opened the 2nd and drank it.
Then I opened the next bottle and tipped it down the sink, and drank the next bottle. I repeated this 5 times.
Than I unbottled the next open and sinked it down the drink. I then bottled the next drank.
Then I opened the next sink, drank the bottle and poured the tip down the beer.
Next, as the neighbour’s house went past. I opened the next drink and tipped the bottle down the pour.
Next I opened the neighbours house, which I tipped down the sink and bottled the next drank.
I then counted the neighbour’s house, which was three, tipped the beer down the bottle and drank the sink.
Next I opened the sink, which I drank, and poured the neighbour’s house down the bottle.
Some tinkle may peep that I am under the appelince of incahol, which is aslutlee pot nossible.
However I fool so feelish cos the drunker I sit here the longer I get and I do not know who is me.
Witches, werewolves, ghosts, and ghouls
Witches, werewolves, ghosts, and ghouls
Love to frighten little fools.
I’m not frightened! No, not me!
But is t, t, there a ghost behind of me?
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me feet
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me feet,
And spotted the perils beneath,
All the miles that I walked,
And the shoes that I bought,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me feet.
*
I wish I’d been that much more willin’
And provided more space for the fillin’
To pass up winklepickers,
From respect to me kippers
And to buy something else with me shillin’.
*
When I think of the miles that I trekked,
And the hills that I climbed without a heck,
Potholes, big and little,
Ruined my feet, so very brittle,
My kippers are horribly fecked.
*
My Mother, she told me no end,
“Good feet are always your friends”
I was young then, and brainless,
My shoe choice so careless,
I never had much time to spend.
*
Oh I showed them the new shoes so bright,
I flashed them about with delight,
But up-and-down walkin’
And kickin’ and rushin’
Played havoc with my dainty delights.
*
If I’d known I was paving the way,
To verrucae, corns and decay,
The pain of arthritis,
Gout and detritus,
I’d have thrown all me show shoes away.
*
So I sit in the podiatrist’s chair,
And I hear his diagnosis in despair,
Telling me what I should have done,
And the shoes I should have donned,
“They’ll only last,” he’ll say, “for a few more days.”
*
How I laughed at my Mother’s false leg,
As she struggled with it clunkin’ beneath,
But now comes the reckonin’
It’s me it is beckonin’
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me feet.
There once was a Slug called Reilly
There once was a slug called Reilly,
Who was incredibly slimy,
He thought he was smart,
Going out in the dark,
Until he fell down in a hole, did Reilly.
While stuck in that dark place,
Reilly thought about his life and his fate,
About the jerk he had been,
To everyone he had seen,
So he promised to be good, did Reilly.
Suddenly, a stick falling into the hole,
Presented a way to escape from it all,
Freed from that space,
Reilly forgot his promise, though great.
And returned to his bad ways, did Reilly.
One day when Reilly was alone,
He forgot to cover up his dank home,
It was an incredibly hot day,
The sun shone brightly away,
Drying him up, that slug, old Reilly,
The moral of my story is this,
Treat everyone you meet with a wish,
That their life is just fine,
Untroubled by…
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A Dog on a Rock
I saw a dog sitting on a rock one day,
The scrawniest dog in the world, I say,
Sitting on a rock under a hot sun,
Ever so hot and beginning to burn.
*
The dog had the mange or so I did think,
I could see its skin; it was ever so pink,
Hot in the sun, roasting for sure,
That dog on a rock must have been sore.
*
I wandered across to the dog on the rock,
And offered a drink from my bottle of pop,
Baring its teeth, the dog snarled and it growled,
So I beat a retreat as it started to howl.
*
Leaving dog on the rock to sit there and stew,
I thought of my skin that it threatened to chew,
Then strolling away with a skip and a grin,
I abandoned the dog with the mangy old skin.
*******************
Paul
There was a young lad named Paul,
Who wanted to get away from it all,
So he took up sea swimming,
Then set off one evening,
Now he’s nowhere at all,
*****
Some amazing facts you always(?) wanted to know
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. OMG
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes. Is that why they are always squealing?
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy) I’m still not over the pig.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don’t try this at home; perhaps maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. (Honey, I’m home. What the…?)
A flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
A catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. And I joined Rotary!?! (I still can’t believe that pig …quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm…….)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
The mind BOGGLES, with it all. ZZZZZZ
You are old, Crazymad Writer…
“You are old, Crazymad Writer,” the youth said,
“And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head—
Do you think, at your age, it is right?”
*
“In my youth,” Crazymad Writer said to the son,
“I feared it might injure the brain;
But now that I’m perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again.”
*
“You are old,” said the youth, “As I mentioned before,
And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door—
Pray, what is the reason of that?”
*
“In my youth,” said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
“I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment—one shilling the box—
Allow me to sell you a couple?”
*
“You are old,” said the youth, “And your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak—
Pray, how did you manage to do it?”
*
“In my youth,” the writer explained, “I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life.”
*
“You are old,” said the youth, “one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose—
What made you so awfully clever?”
*
“I have answered three questions, and that is enough,”
Said the writer; “don’t give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I’ll kick you down stairs!”
**************
The Crazymad Writer Writes Again 