Oh, dear, what can the matter be
Three old ladies locked in the lavatory
They were there from Monday to Saturday
Nobody knew they were there
The first one’s name was Elizabeth Porter
She went in to be rid of some overdue water
And she stayed there far more than she ought to
And nobody knew she was there.
CHORUS
The second one’s name was Elizabeth Pomphrey
She went in and made herself comfy
Then she said: “Girls, I can’t get my bum free.”
And nobody knew she was there
CHORUS
The last one’s name was Elizabeth Carter
She was known as a world renowned farter
She went in and played a sonata
And nobody knew she was there.
CHORUS
Gerrard, Sir Gerrard – are you sure that it’s so,
Your title, your label, or are you having a go,
At me, your poor servant, a man dearthly low?
Gerrard, Sir Gerrard, pray tell me, with haste,
How you got it, your title, your rank and your place?
Cos I want it, really want it, so I can lift up my face.
I got it, my title, after years of hard slog,
Writing stories for children; my mind was agog.
I was tired, so tired, when I knelt down before,
The Queen, then she tapped me and I fell to the floor, asleep.
Crazier things have happened to me,
I am the Crazymad Writer, you see,
In the meantime, while you are here,
Take care that you don’t get too near,
My title, my award, for being so fine,
After years in the wilderness now is my time!
Danny Browne had many noses,
It’s the truth, so many poses.
He forgot to breathe, both in and out,
Now he’s dead, the silly lout.
Porridge, porridge, good for your bones,
Bones, bones, good for your bones.
Eat it up; it’ll do you good,
Do you good, good, good, good.
Look at it now; it’s so fine to eat,
It’s so fine and good, it is a treat.
There once was a boy named Paul,
Who wanted to get away from it all,
So he took up sea swimming and set off one evening,
Now he’s nowhere at all,
A shark or something horrible probably ate him.
Ermaddogan is my pet,
A beastie, that’s him,
Though howling and snarling,
He is always my darling,
My sweetie, my beastie, Ermaddogan.
*****
Please note: any similarity between my pet and Erdogan,
the President of Turkey, is purely coincidental.
There was an old man called Kenny,
Who loved his money, his pennies,
He nursed them each day,
What more can I say,
About Kenny, obsessed with his pennies.
He was mad, I tell you, stark, raving mad!
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The Crazymad Writer Writes Again 