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Category Archives: humour

Alice on Top of the World

Alice on Top of the World

🌟 Alice on Top of the World 🌟

Alice climbed the tower tall,
Above the streets, above it all.
No rabbit late, no ticking clock,
Just breezes dancing ‘round the block.

The rooftops bloomed with flowers bright,
A secret garden kissed by light.
She twirled her skirt, her bow held fast,
And waved at clouds that floated past.

“Hello!” she called to birds in flight,
Who answered back with sheer delight.
The sun on glass made castles gleam,
The city shimmered like a dream.

No Hatter fussed, no Duchess frowned,
No Queen to shout, “Off with her crown!”
Instead she ruled with gentle cheer,
The sky her throne, her realm so near.

Her subjects? Windows, bricks, and bees,
And secret whispers in the breeze.
Her courtiers? Flowers, tall and free,
Her crown? A wreath of greenery.

So Alice laughed, and Alice sang,
Her joy across the skyline rang.
For Wonderland was not below,
But up above, where gardens grow.

And every soul who paused to see,
Felt lighter, brighter, suddenly—
For happiness, when shared, can twirl…
Like Alice, on top of the world.

 

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Alice in Steampunk Dalekland

Chapter One: The Clockwork Rabbit

Alice was minding her own business, which is the most dangerous occupation for a girl of her size and curiosity, because one’s own business has a wicked habit of becoming everyone else’s. She had laid out her tools upon the garden path—one honest screwdriver (which insisted it was quite respectable), a pair of tweezers (which took offense at everything), and a clockwork bird with its beak stuck slightly open as if it had been caught forever in the act of saying “Oh!” The roses wobbled about on their stems in a breeze that smelled faintly of coal and toast, and the daisies gave great, polite sneezes.

“Bless you,” said Alice, for she was a well-brought-up child, even when addressing flowers.

“Steam,” sniffed a daisy, quite dignified. “We are allergic to steam.”

“There is no steam,” said Alice, peering about. “Only sunshine and Sunday. If there were steam, I should see it, and if I saw it, I should surely say it.”

At which a discreet hiss sounded from under the azalea bush, and something somewhere went tick-tock, whirr-clank, hiss-puff!—the exact sort of reply that contradicts a person very rudely without saying a word. The roses coughed. The daisies sneezed again. Alice, being one who could not resist a noise that sounded like an argument between a kettle and a typewriter, put down the screwdriver and knelt in the flowerbed.

“I say,” she called into the dark. “Are you a mouse, a mole, or a machine?”

“None and all,” said a voice like a penny-farthing talking in its sleep. “Stand clear of the exhaust.”

Alice had just time to wonder if an exhaust was something you could trip over when the soil trembled and the bush erupted. Out burst a white blur with brass rivets, whiskers wired like telegraph lines, and a waistcoat stitched with gears that clicked themselves in a most improper fashion. It was the White Rabbit—only more so, as if someone had wound him up to a higher setting.

“You’re late!” he squeaked, and a valve near his collar let off an indignant toot. “Horribly, dreadfully, scandalously late!”

“For what?” said Alice, who did not at all like being told about her lateness, especially by a creature whose ears appeared to be tuned to the Foreign Stations.

“For the Invasion Tea, of course!” He tapped his breast, where a pocket watch had given up being merely a pocket watch and bolted itself to his ribs with a handsome row of screws. “The minutes are marching without permission! The seconds have staged a revolt! The hour has barricaded itself behind a samovar! Oh, oh!” He patted himself down as if he might find a spare minute in his pockets. “No time! Even less than that! Negative time!”

Do you want to find out what is negative time? Simply click on thje link, below, and enjoy.

https://thecrazymadwriter.com/alice-in-wonderland-stories/alice-in-steampunk-dalekland/

 

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The Steampunk of Ballykillduff

The Steampunk of Ballykillduff

In Ballykillduff, where the bog-cottons grow,
And tractors move slower than clouds ever go,
There rumbles a marvel of brasswork and puff:
The whistling contraption of Ballykillduff.

Its chimney-stack belches a lavender steam,
Its pistons clank onwards like parts of a dream,
The gears all turn sideways, the wheels spin askew,
And no one can say what it’s meant to do.

The smith in his apron declares with a cough,
“It brews tea at dawn, and it scares crows right off!
It mends broken fences, it churns up the peat,
And plays merry jigs with mechanical feet!”

The priest shook his head and the postman grew pale,
The barber got tangled in coppery rail,
The schoolchildren cheered as it huffed down the lane,
Whistling out sermons in high-tin refrain.

At night by the pub, when the fiddles strike up,
It gulps down the porter from pint glass or cup,
Then sings out in whistles, all clattering gruff—
The wild steampunk wonder of Ballykillduff!

And though it may rattle, and though it may groan,
And sometimes forgets the way home of its own,
The villagers say, with a fond sort of pride:
“It’s daft as a donkey—but ours to ride!”

 

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Steampunk in Ballykillduff

The Steampunk Daleks of Ballykillduff

Prologue: A Strange Copper Glow

On most Tuesdays in Ballykillduff, nothing more dramatic happens than the post landing in the wrong cottage and the weather deciding to be three kinds of rain at once. Mrs. O’Toole hangs out washing and scolds the sky. Old Seamus McGroggan studies his pipe as if it might tell him who ate the last custard cream. And young Mick—ambitious, daft, and acrobatic—tries to cycle backwards down the main street while balancing a loaf on his head. (It is, he insists, “training for the circus.”)

But on this particular Tuesday, at precisely half past eleven, a copper light spread over the village like someone had polished the clouds. The hens went quiet. The sheep froze mid-chew. Father O’Malley paused with the parish bell rope in his hand and whispered, “Saints preserve us.”

Then came the sounds:
HSSSSSS… CLANK-CLONK! WHOOOOMP-TCHAK! TOOT-TOOT!
Gears rattled. Pipes sighed. Something big exhaled steam with the weary dignity of a very old kettle.

Mrs. Byrne put down her shopping basket. “That’ll be the weather packing in for the year,” she said.

“Or the circus,” said Mick hopefully, wobbling.

A shadow rippled across the crossroads. And through the copper-coloured sky, down they came: brass-plated, rivet-studded, monocle-winked, stovepipe-hatted… Daleks.

“Ah,” said Seamus softly to his pipe, “we’re doomed so.”

The first of the strange machines landed with a THOONK that made the turf stacks shiver and the pub sign spin half a turn. Its dome lifted a fraction; a curl of steam puffed out like a sigh of satisfaction.
ATTEND!” wheezed a crisp, Victorian voice through a whistling grille. “THE AGE OF STEAM COMMENCES.

“Will it take cash,” Mrs. Byrne whispered, “or does it run on scones?”

The brass teapot-on-wheels swivelled its monocled eyestalk. “WE REQUIRE… TEA.

“Right,” said Mrs. O’Toole, squaring up. “That we can manage.”

And Ballykillduff held its breath.

Do you want to read more?

Click on the link, below, and enjoy.

Steampunk Daleks

 

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Santa Lost in Time

Santa Lost in Time

Prologue – The Clock at the North Pole

Far, far away, in that snowy corner of the world where no postman dares deliver, there stands Santa’s workshop—a cheerful jumble of chimneys, chiming bells, and windows glowing like lanterns in the long night. Inside, elves scurried here and there like industrious beetles with pointy shoes, hammering, sawing, wrapping, and occasionally stopping for cocoa with three marshmallows (never two, never four).

In the very heart of the workshop stood an object older than Santa himself: the North Pole Clock. It was a contraption of such size and complexity that nobody, not even Santa, could tell which cog belonged to which century. Its hands were long enough to sweep a reindeer’s tail, its pendulum heavy enough to flatten a fruitcake, and its face—golden, solemn, and ever-turning—kept track not just of hours but of seasons.

On one frosty morning, just after a particularly exhausting Christmas (the year of the exploding pogo sticks, if you recall), Santa leaned upon the clock and gave it a friendly wind, as one might do to a reluctant grandfather clock.

“Just a little nudge to keep things running smoothly,” he muttered, with the weary satisfaction of one who thinks he has done a clever thing.

But the clock shuddered. It hiccupped. It gave a very impolite cough. And then, with a whirl, a wheeze, and the mournful sound of a cuckoo bird sneezing, the great hands spun round and round until the numbers blurred.

Before Santa could say “plum pudding,” the workshop, the elves, and even the snow outside dissolved into a blur of colours, and Santa was tumbled head over boots into another time entirely.

To be continued

Want to read more?

Click on the link, below, and enjoy.

Santa Lost in Time

 

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There was a Dalek in Wonderland

In a quaint little village nestled in the heart of England, there lived a young girl named Alice. One sunny afternoon, while exploring the fields behind her home, she stumbled upon a peculiar, shimmering portal. Intrigued, Alice stepped through, finding herself in a world unlike any she had ever seen.

The sky was a swirl of vibrant, impossible colors, and the trees had leaves of pure gold. As she wandered, Alice encountered the most extraordinary creatures. A White Rabbit, dressed in a tiny waistcoat, scurried past, muttering about being late.

It was then that she saw it – a shiny, bronze creature with a single eye, gliding across the path. It was a Dalek, but not like any Dalek she had ever seen in her storybooks. This one wore a tiny, top hat and held a teacup, a bewildered expression on its metallic face. “Exterminate! Exterminate tea time!” it declared, “I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!”

Alice, never one to be easily frightened, giggled. “Are you lost, Mr. Dalek?” she asked.

The Dalek swiveled its head, its eye focusing on Alice. “Lost? I am not lost! I am merely… disoriented! This ‘Wonderland’ is most illogical!”

Together, Alice and the Dalek embarked on an adventure through Wonderland. They met a Mad Hatter who offered them invisible tea, a Cheshire Cat who spoke in riddles, and a Queen of Hearts who demanded everyone play croquet with flamingos. The Dalek, surprisingly, found itself enjoying the absurdity of it all, even attempting to “exterminate” a particularly stubborn flamingo.

As the sun began to set, casting long, purple shadows across the landscape, Alice knew it was time to return home. She bid farewell to her new friends, promising to visit again soon. The Dalek, for its part, declared that it would “analyze and compute” the wonders of Wonderland, perhaps even incorporating “tea time” into its future plans. And so, Alice returned to her quiet English village, her heart full of memories of a most extraordinary adventure in a very peculiar Wonderland.

If you enjoyed that, click on the link, below, for more madcap Dalek adventures in Wonderland.

Dalek in Wonderland

 

 

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The Ballykillduff Daleks Winter of Madness

The Ballykillduff Daleks Winter of Madness

The first frost of winter came sneaking into Ballykillduff one quiet night. It crept over the hedgerows like icing on a Christmas cake, decorated the village pump with shiny icicles, and froze the puddles so hard that even Bridget McGillicuddy’s hens slipped about like ballerinas on roller skates.

The Ballykillduff Daleks had never experienced such a thing. For weeks they had been trundling around the village, muttering about “TOTAL DOMINATION” and “EX-TER-MI-NATION,” but on this particular morning they emerged from their shed only to discover that their mighty treads were no match for frozen mud.

One Dalek gave a mighty shove forward.
“COMMENCING DAILY PATROL!” it announced grandly—then immediately skidded sideways and lodged itself in the ditch.

Another Dalek rolled confidently onto a glittering puddle.
“THESE HUMANS ARE WEAK! WE SHALL—AAAAAGH!” it screeched, spinning in helpless circles like a saucepan lid on polished tiles.

By the time Councillor McGroggan wandered down the lane with his bucket of coal, he found half a dozen Daleks floundering about, their eyestalks fogged with frost, their plungers stuck fast to frozen gates, and one unfortunate unit still wedged headfirst in the ditch.

Click on the link, below, to read the full, bonkers mad story.

The Ballykillduff Daleks Winter of Madness

 

 

 

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I wish I’d looked after me brain

I wish I’d looked after me brain

Oh, I wish I’d looked after me brain,

And spotted the perils of strain,

All the thoughts that I thought,

And the knowledge I’d sought,

Oh, I wish I’d looked after me brain.

*

I wish I’d been that much more willin’,

And gave me grey matter a chillin’,

To pass up the worryin’,

And constant hurrying,

And just gave me mind a good fillin’.

*

When I think of the stress that I’ve trekked,

And the problems I solved without a heck,

Anxiety, big and little,

Made me mind, oh, so brittle,

Me neurons are horribly fecked.

*

My Mother, she told me no end,

“A sharp mind is always your friend”

I was young then, and brainless,

Me focus so careless,

I never had much time to spend.

*

Oh I showed them me quick wits so bright,

I flashed them about with delight,

But constant overthinkin’,

And lack of deep sinkin’,

Played havoc with me mental delights.

*

If I’d known I was paving the way,

To confusion, and memory’s decay,

The pain of the dreadin’,

And the fog of the headin’,

I’d have thrown all me worries away.

*

So I sit in the neurologist’s chair,

And I hear his diagnosis in despair,

Telling me what I should have done,

And the rest I should have won,

“It’ll only last,” he’ll say, “for a few more days.”

*

How I laughed at me Mother’s forgettin’,

As she struggled with the past she was lettin’,

But now comes the reckonin’

It’s me it is beckonin’

Oh, I wish I’d looked after me brain.

 
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Posted by on September 8, 2025 in brain, funny story, humor, humour, poems

 

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I wish I’d looked after me teeth

I wish I’d looked after me teeth

Oh, I wish I’d looked after me teeth,

And spotted the perils beneath,

All the fillings I had,

And the root canals so bad,

Oh, I wish I’d looked after me teeth.

*

I wish I’d been that much more willin’

To floss and avoid all the chillin’

To pass up the candy,

From a lack of foresight that’s grandly,

I’d just chew on me food and keep smilin’.

*

When I think of the plaque that I cleaned,

And the cavities that I have screened,

Potholes, big and little,

Ruined my teeth, so very brittle,

My molars are horribly fecked.

*

My Mother, she told me no end,

“Good teeth are always your friends”

I was young then, and brainless,

My oral habits so careless,

I never had much time to spend.

*

Oh I showed them my new mouth so bright,

I flashed them about with delight,

But up-and-down chewin’

And grindin’ and ruin’

Played havoc with my dainty delights.

*

If I’d known I was paving the way,

To gingivitis, decay,

The pain of the grinding,

And the cost of the binding,

I’d have thrown all me candy away.

*

So I sit in the dentist’s chair,

And I hear his diagnosis in despair,

Telling me what I should have done,

And the toothbrush I should have donned,

“They’ll only last,” he’ll say, “for a few more days.”

*

How I laughed at my Mother’s false teeth,

As she struggled with them clunkin’ beneath,

But now comes the reckonin’

It’s me it is beckonin’

Oh, I wish I’d looked after me teeth.

 
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Posted by on September 8, 2025 in humor, humour, poems

 

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The Ballad of Dizziness Day

The Ballad of Dizziness Day

by the Crazymad Poet of Ballykillduff

Oh the world did sway on a curious day,
When the clouds spun ’round like socks in a fray,
And Ballykillduff, in its charming old way,
Woke up to find balance had wandered away.

Sean the Ram did a somersault flip,
The postman delivered a letter to a skip,
The church bell chimed with a hiccup and blip,
And the milk turned itself into strawberry whip.

Mrs McFadden clung tight to a tree,
“That’s my third bush this morning,” said she.
A goat rode a bicycle (accidentally),
And the vicar did cartwheels, shouting “Wheeeee!”

The baker rolled out of his shop like dough,
Shouting, “All my baguettes have learned to go!”
The ducks flew backwards in uneven rows,
And a sheep tried to tango with Farmer Joe’s toes.

Young Nora O’Bannigan spun in a whirl,
Chasing her braid like a dizzy young squirrel.
She tripped on a hedgehog, collided with Pearl,
Then shouted, “I’ve seen three versions of the world!”

The Council convened by the village green pond,
Where they’d buried the Beacon of Anti-Spin Bond.
With goggles, a chicken, and ceremony fond,
They summoned its power with a mystical wand.

Old McGroggin raised high the gold cone,
(While humming a strangely off-key baritone),
And the village fell still with a satisfied groan,
As balance returned—at least to the stone.

But the wobble, my friends, still comes once in a spell,
With tales of the time when Miss Bridie fell
Into a wheelbarrow halfway to Kells,
Still claiming she met a dimension called “Smell.”

So here’s to the Day of the Great Bally Sway,
Where gravity quit and ran far away—
If you’re ever in town when your legs go astray,
You’ll know you’ve arrived on… Dizziness Day!

 
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Posted by on September 3, 2025 in crazy, crazymad, humor, humour, poems

 

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