Beans, beans, good for the heart,
The more you eat the more you laugh,
You thought I was going to say FART, didn’t you?
Oh, crikey, I have gone and said it, FART,
God, I said FART again!
NO, NO, not again!
I am off now in case I say FART yet again,
ARRRGH, I give up, bye!
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. OMG
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes. Is that why they are always squealing?
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy) I’m still not over the pig.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don’t try this at home; perhaps maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. (Honey, I’m home. What the…?)
A flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
A catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. And I joined Rotary!?! (I still can’t believe that pig …quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm…….)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
The mind BOGGLES, with it all. ZZZZZZ
Oh, dear what can the matter be?
Crazymad Writer got stuck in the lavatory,
He was there from Sunday to Saturday,
Nobody knew he was there.
*
The first bad day was ever so grim,
Sat there; it was incredibly dim,
Away from the light ‘tween bowl and the rim
And nobody knew he was there
*
The third bad day was really no better,
Stuck inside, looking for paper,
All he could find was a bricklayer’s scraper,
And nobody knew he was there.
*
The fourth bad day was a terrible mess,
Stuck in that place, amidst smell and cess,
Then he slipped on the floor and hurt – you can guess,
And nobody knew he was there.
*
CONTD
There was a nation, so bad,
That thought it was superior; a cad
Until it was challenged one day,
By a country far away,
And it made them ever so MAD.
******************
Roger left for work on Friday morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.
Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, ‘How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?’
Roger replied grimly, ‘That would be fine with me.’
Monday went by and he didn’t see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
By the Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so that Roger he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye
Does Joe
There once was a slug called Joe
Who wished he were fast, not slow
Until one day while alone
He saw a snail struggling; carrying its home
Now he slimes about happily: does Joe
Johnny was a barber; he loved his job, he did,
Cutting people’s hair and mowing others wigs.
Until one day he reeled back, shocked by what he saw,
A hole in the head of a customer, a man quite old and poor,
Why don’t you go to the doctor? he asked the man out loud,
To get it fixed and filled in quick, that’s what I’d do, he cried,
Oh, no, I can’t do that, the old man then answered him,
I have had it, there, for forty years; it’s now part of me, he grinned,
I would miss it, that hole up there; he went on to explain,
Please trim the hear, he said to John, but mind the hole he warned.
*******************
“What is the difference between a slug and a bag of salt?” Bert asked his friend Fred.
“Go on, tell me,” Fred answered.
“Salt makes your food taste better; slugs, however, shrivel and up and die if they come into contact with salt.
“That’s terrible!” Fred protested. “That’s not a joke!”
“You think it’s terrible?” Bert replied, flapping his arms about wildly, with excitement. “Imagine how the poor slugs feel!”
*******************************************************************
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One two buckle my shoe,
Three four knock at the door,
Five six pickup sticks,
Seven eight open the gate,
Nine ten start again,
Nah, that would be silly,
I would much rather go look for slugs to kill.
(It’s funny old world, isn’t it?)
*********************
That’s Joe
There once was a slug called Joe
Who wished he were fast, not slow
Until one day, while alone
He saw a snail struggling, carrying its home
Now he slimes about happy: That’s Joe
******************
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