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There was a Dalek in Wonderland

In a quaint little village nestled in the heart of England, there lived a young girl named Alice. One sunny afternoon, while exploring the fields behind her home, she stumbled upon a peculiar, shimmering portal. Intrigued, Alice stepped through, finding herself in a world unlike any she had ever seen.

The sky was a swirl of vibrant, impossible colors, and the trees had leaves of pure gold. As she wandered, Alice encountered the most extraordinary creatures. A White Rabbit, dressed in a tiny waistcoat, scurried past, muttering about being late.

It was then that she saw it – a shiny, bronze creature with a single eye, gliding across the path. It was a Dalek, but not like any Dalek she had ever seen in her storybooks. This one wore a tiny, top hat and held a teacup, a bewildered expression on its metallic face. “Exterminate! Exterminate tea time!” it declared, “I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!”

Alice, never one to be easily frightened, giggled. “Are you lost, Mr. Dalek?” she asked.

The Dalek swiveled its head, its eye focusing on Alice. “Lost? I am not lost! I am merely… disoriented! This ‘Wonderland’ is most illogical!”

Together, Alice and the Dalek embarked on an adventure through Wonderland. They met a Mad Hatter who offered them invisible tea, a Cheshire Cat who spoke in riddles, and a Queen of Hearts who demanded everyone play croquet with flamingos. The Dalek, surprisingly, found itself enjoying the absurdity of it all, even attempting to “exterminate” a particularly stubborn flamingo.

As the sun began to set, casting long, purple shadows across the landscape, Alice knew it was time to return home. She bid farewell to her new friends, promising to visit again soon. The Dalek, for its part, declared that it would “analyze and compute” the wonders of Wonderland, perhaps even incorporating “tea time” into its future plans. And so, Alice returned to her quiet English village, her heart full of memories of a most extraordinary adventure in a very peculiar Wonderland.

If you enjoyed that, click on the link, below, for more madcap Dalek adventures in Wonderland.

Dalek in Wonderland

 

 

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The Mad Hatter Story

The Mad Hatter Story

The town square bustled with the usual midday activities. Vendors called out, children played, and the smell of freshly baked bread wafted through the air. It was a typical day in a place where the clocks had long ago forgotten to tick. Above the cobblestone streets, the sky remained a constant gray, as if painted on by an unenthusiastic artist who had abandoned their canvas.

In a quiet corner of the square, an old woman sat on a rickety chair. She had a table before her, laden with various odds and ends: a few dusty books, a jar of buttons that hadn’t seen use in decades, and a single, sad-looking hat. Her eyes squinted behind thick spectacles as she meticulously sewed a patch onto the hat’s tattered brim.

“Look at this,” she murmured to herself, her voice like the rustling of dry leaves. “Once it was a thing of beauty, and now…” Her words trailed off as she sighed heavily, her shoulders slumping.

Suddenly, the square grew eerily still. A shadow fell over the old woman, and she looked up to see a tall, lanky figure standing before her. His face was a ghastly pallor, and his eyes burned with a fiery madness that seemed to illuminate the dullness around them. He wore a wide-brimmed hat at a jaunty angle, adorned with a single red rose. The townsfolk had learned to fear this man, for his laughter was said to echo through their nightmares.

“Madam,” he spoke, his voice a chilling caress. “Your work is quite… intriguing.”

The woman peered up at him, curiosity piqued by the interruption. “What do you want?” she asked bluntly, not bothering to hide her suspicion.

He leaned closer, a twisted smile spreading across his face. “I’ve been searching for a hat, you see,” he began, his voice dropping to a whisper that seemed to carry on the wind. “One that speaks to me, calls to me, whispers secrets of wonderlands long forgotten…”

The old woman’s eyes narrowed, and she leaned back, eyeing him warily. “What makes you think I’d sell to the likes of you?”

The Mad Hatter’s grin grew wider, revealing teeth that looked more like the sharpened edges of a butterfly knife than anything natural. “Ah,” he said, “but I’m not just anyone, am I? I am the keeper of the hats, the teller of tales that make the very fabric of reality tremble. And I have need of one such as this.”

The woman studied the hat in her hands, her thoughts racing. It was just a simple, worn-out piece of headwear, yet the way he talked about it made it seem as if it held the power to change the course of the world.

“What’s so special about this hat?” she demanded, holding it up protectively.

The Mad Hatter leaned even closer, his breath a cold draft on her cheek. “This hat,” he whispered, “once belonged to a very important person. It’s seen things, felt things, that no ordinary hat could ever dream of. It’s a gateway to a realm of madness and beauty, where the only rule is that there are no rules at all.”

Her heart pounded in her chest. What could this madman possibly want with such a mundane object? And what secrets did it truly hold?

The Mad Hatter’s eyes gleamed as he reached into his coat pocket, pulling out a small velvet pouch. He placed it gently on the table, the clink of coins resonating through the unnerving silence that had enveloped the square.

“For your troubles,” he said, his smile never wavering. “But if you wish for something more… unique, I could offer you a glimpse into the looking glass.”

The old woman’s curiosity got the better of her. She had heard whispers of the Mad Hatter’s magic, of his ability to show one’s deepest desires or darkest fears. She hesitated, her trembling hand hovering over the pouch.

With a sudden jerk, she snatched it up and held it tightly. “I’ll take the coins,” she said, her voice a mix of defiance and fear.

The Mad Hatter’s smile grew colder. “Very well,” he said, his tone dripping with disappointment. “But know this: the price for what you seek is steeper than gold.”

He snatched the hat from her grasp, his eyes locked onto hers. “The looking glass,” he whispered, “it shows you what you truly are.”

The old woman felt a chill run down her spine as he placed the hat on his head, the rose seeming to pulse with a dark energy. He tipped it to her, bowing dramatically.

“Thank you,” he said, his voice now a cacophony of whispers. “I shall wear this to the next tea party. And perhaps, when the time is right, I shall invite you to join us. It’s always so much more fun with guests who know the truth of their own hearts.”

The Mad Hatter turned and strode away, his laughter echoing through the square, sending shivers down the spines of all who heard it. The townsfolk slowly resumed their activities, but the air remained thick with unease.

The old woman was left with her coins and her thoughts. What had she just done? And what was the true cost of her curiosity? She watched the Mad Hatter’s retreating figure, his shadow stretching out before him like a living, malevolent entity.

The hat sat on her table, seemingly innocuous, yet it seemed to pulsate with the same madness that filled the man who had just claimed it. She had a feeling that this was not the last she would see of the Mad Hatter or the secrets that lay hidden within his world.

The square gradually regained its normal rhythm, but the old woman found it difficult to shake the feeling of foreboding that had settled upon her. As she packed up her wares, she couldn’t help but glance back at the spot where he had stood, the memory of his burning eyes haunting her.

The gray sky above remained unchanged, a silent witness to the transaction that had just occurred. But somewhere, deep within the fabric of the town’s reality, something had shifted, and she knew that she had set in motion a chain of events that would forever alter her destiny.

The old woman’s name was Alice, and she had been the town’s seamstress for longer than she cared to remember. Her hands had stitched the fabric of a hundred lives, patching up the threads that time had worn thin. Yet she had always felt a pull towards something more, something beyond the dull routine that had come to define her existence.

As she counted the coins, a strange sensation grew inside her, a feeling that was equal parts exhilaration and dread. The Mad Hatter had offered her a glimpse into the looking glass, a chance to see beyond the veil of her mundane life. And for a brief, mad moment, she had been tempted to take it. But she had chosen the coins instead, the familiar comfort of security over the terrifying allure of the unknown.

Or so she told herself.

The days that followed were filled with whispers and half-seen movements from the corner of her eye. The townsfolk spoke in hushed tones about the Mad Hatter’s visit, their fear and fascination growing with each retelling of the tale. Alice tried to ignore them, to bury herself in her work, but the hat remained a constant reminder of what might have been.

One evening, as the light was fading into the ever-present gray, she found herself standing before the looking glass in her small cottage. Her reflection stared back at her, a mirror to the doubt and curiosity that gnawed at her soul. The Mad Hatter’s words echoed in her mind, and she felt a sudden, irresistible urge to know more.

With trembling hands, Alice reached out and touched the cold, unyielding glass. It rippled under her fingertips, and she watched as the room around her began to distort and twist, swirling away like paint in a storm. The reflection grew darker, the edges sharper, and she realized with a start that she was falling into it.

The world beyond the looking glass was not the Wonderland of her childhood stories but a place of shadows and whispers. The Mad Hatter was there, his eyes gleaming with malicious delight as he watched her descent. He held out a hand, beckoning her closer to the table set for an eternal tea party. The guests were a motley crew of nightmares made flesh, all wearing hats that reflected their own twisted realities.

“Welcome, Alice,” the Mad Hatter said, his voice a symphony of madness. “You’ve made quite the bargain today, and now it’s time to pay the piper.”

Her heart racing, Alice realized the true price of her curiosity. She had not just sold a hat; she had bartered a piece of her soul. And now, she would never truly leave the Mad Hatter’s world behind.

the mad hatter.

 

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Alice on Top of the World

Alice on Top of the World

‘Alice on Top of the World’ First, she discovered Wonderland…Then, she slipped through that fascinating Looking Glass…Now, she is on Top of the World. Some fourteen years after her last adventure, Alice suddenly finds herself in a strange place, wondering how she could have got there let alone why she is child again. She meets the White Rabbit and they set off to find his new house at the top of the world. Alice soon falls far behind the fast hopping Rabbit, but she endeavours to find her way without him. While on her strange journey Alice comes across hungry aspidistras that beg her to find them some fertiliser, an incredibly old Elf called Fle, who, living in a fertiliser mine, has plenty, but is not disposed to giving her any, a white sea lion called King Tut, who gives her some extremely confusing directions, and a magical escalator that finally transports her to the very top of the World. The continuing adventures of a girl named Alice…

Chapter One
Into the Abyss

It had been many years since Alice’s last adventure, so she was rather surprised to find herself having another one. Even more surprising was that she was a child again—no older than when she first stepped through the Looking Glass or fell into Wonderland.

“How curious,” she murmured, trying to remember what it felt like to be small.

“You took your time getting here,” said a familiar voice. The White Rabbit appeared before her quite suddenly.

“I beg your pardon?” Alice asked, recalling how rather rude he could be when he was in a mood.

“I said, you took your time. You should have arrived fourteen years ago,” the Rabbit huffed, hopping away with great urgency.

“But—but I’ve no idea how I got here!” Alice cried, running after him. “Let alone why I’m so late!”

“We accept no ifs or buts here,” said the Rabbit over his shoulder. “You should know that by now.” As he spoke, a door materialised in front of him. He opened it and added, “Do hurry up. Don’t dawdle.”

Alice followed him through the door, trying to keep pace. She began to suspect the Rabbit had woken on the wrong side of the bed. It was, after all, a lovely day: the sun was warm and bright, and pink forget-me-nots lined the winding path ahead.

“I wonder where I could be,” Alice mused aloud. “Is this Wonderland?”

The Rabbit gave her a peculiar look just as another identical door appeared. “Of course not,” he said. “We’re on the top of the world.” He opened the second door and scurried off down another flower-lined path.

“The top of the world?” Alice gasped. “Why, that’s impossible!”

The Rabbit stopped and turned. “Then how do you explain being here, if it’s impossible?”

Alice opened her mouth but found no answer. All she could manage was, “I bet you’re mad!”

“That depends,” said the Rabbit seriously.

“Depends on what?”

“On whether you mean mad… or mad.”

“That’s nonsense,” said Alice. “They both mean the same thing.”

“Ah, but if you were Mad Number One,” said the Rabbit, “and someone called you Mad Number Two, wouldn’t you be terribly offended by the mistake?”

“But I’m not mad!” Alice insisted.

“And how would you know,” asked the Rabbit, “if you can’t tell the difference between Mad Number One and Mad Number Two?”

“I just do!” she shouted, stamping her foot. Then, noticing another door had appeared, she pointed it out.

The Rabbit turned to open it, but the handle wouldn’t budge.

“Might I try?” Alice asked sweetly. The Rabbit stepped aside, his pink eyes narrowed with suspicion.

Alice turned the handle, and the door swung open easily.

“Could a mad person have done that?” she asked smugly—then stepped through and promptly fell into a gaping hole on the other side.

“No,” the Rabbit chuckled as she vanished, “but would they have walked straight into a hole?” Laughing, he hopped in after her.

Down she fell, through near-total darkness. It reminded her of her fall into Wonderland, only this time the descent slowed—until she stopped completely and began to rise again.

“I don’t want to go back up,” she grumbled, gazing at the distant light above. “It’s far too far!”

Then something passed her by in the dark. Without thinking, Alice jumped onto its back and clung on tightly.

To her surprise, she was riding a baby hippopotamus. Its smooth, silky skin made it a poor choice for a mount, and she soon found herself slipping—then sliding—until she tumbled off and landed with a bump on hard, dusty ground.

“I don’t like this place,” she moaned. “Not one bit.”

“You don’t like it?” said the hippo in a surprisingly squeaky voice. “How do you think I feel? There’s not a drop of water anywhere. And hippos need loads of it!”

Dusting herself off, Alice said politely, “Mr. Hippopotamus, thank you for the ride. It was the most comfortable hippo ride I’ve ever had.” (Though she didn’t mention it was also the only one.)

“My dear child,” said the hippo, “you were so light I hardly noticed you. If you ever need a lift out of that dark place again, just hop on.”

“Oh, thank you! I’ll write it in my invitation book. And if I never use it, I’ll treasure it all the same.”

With that, the hippo turned and ambled back into the shadows in search of water. But before he could disappear entirely, there came another soft thud—less gentle than Alice’s.

In a flash, the White Rabbit appeared, sitting backward on the baby hippo, riding it into the light.

He gave a curt thank-you (nowhere near as gracious as Alice’s), then turned to scold her.

“If anyone’s to fall down holes around here, we must first have a vote. Is that clear?”

Alice nodded, though she privately decided he must be either Mad Number One or, if not, most definitely Mad Number Two.

Another winding path suddenly emerged, but this one felt far less inviting. Instead of forget-me-nots, it was lined with towering aspidistras—each one bearing a long green beak that snapped threateningly.

“Come along, Alice,” said the Rabbit, bounding ahead. “We must return to the very top of the world!”

Alice gasped as one of the plants snatched a tuft of fur from his back. “Come on!” he shouted again, oblivious to the danger.

Determined not to show fear—not of silly old flowers—Alice stepped toward the path. But before her foot touched the ground, a beak lunged for her ear. Another tugged at her hair. A third aimed squarely for her nose.

“Stop that!” Alice cried. “Stop that this instant, or I’ll dig you all up and replant you with rhubarb!”

At once, the attacks ceased. Alice checked herself—ear, hair, nose—all intact.

“Thank you,” she said firmly. “You really ought to behave more like proper plants. You’re not supposed to be frightful, you know.”

As she studied the plants, she heard the unmistakable sound of sobbing.

“Who’s crying?” she asked.

No one answered, but the gentle weeping continued. The plants began to sway, and their leafy beaks moved silently above her.

“Stop it! Tell me who’s crying!”

At last, one of the plants spoke. “She is,” said a deep voice. “The little offshoot beside my wife. See?” A long leaf pointed to a smaller plant nearby.

“Your wife?” Alice blinked. “You’re married?”

“Of course,” the aspidistra replied. “Can’t you see them?”

“I might, if you’d stop swaying,” she muttered. “You’re making me feel sick.”

“We can’t help it,” said the father plant. “When we’re upset, we sway. It’s why we sway in the wind—we’re simply heartbroken.”

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry,” said Alice. “Is there anything I can do?”

“You could promise not to dig us up…” came a tiny voice.

“I won’t, I promise,” said Alice gently. “I only said that because you were being so horrid.”

The plants stilled. Beneath the leaves, she spotted the baby plant—snuggled under its mother’s foliage.

“I’m sorry,” said Alice. “Do you forgive me?”

“Yes,” sniffed the baby. “We’re sorry too. We didn’t mean to scare you. We’re just so hungry. Usually we greet travellers with smiles.”

“Hungry?” asked Alice. “Don’t your roots find enough food?”

“We need fertilizer,” the baby explained. “None of us have had any in ages. I’ve never had any—ever! I don’t even know what it looks like.”

Alice scratched her head. “Could I fetch some for you?”

If plants could beam, these ones surely did. Chattering broke out all around.

“Stop! Stop, please!” cried Alice. “You’re hurting my ears!”

The voices died down, leaving only the mother plant speaking. “Do you know where to find fertilizer?”

“I… I don’t,” Alice admitted.

“There is a place,” the mother said. “The Fertilizer Mine. That’s where it comes from.”

“Where is it?” Alice asked eagerly.

“I’m afraid we don’t know,” the mother confessed. “But we know it exists.”

Seeing how sad they looked, Alice stood tall and declared, “I will find some fertilizer—enough for all of you. I promise.”


Chapter Two
The Fertilizer Mine

Though it pained Alice to leave the poor aspidistras behind, she had given them her word—and she intended to keep it. “All I need to do,” she said aloud, “is find the mine and fetch a bag of fertilizer. That can’t be too difficult… can it?”

She looked around thoughtfully. “Now, which way shall I go—left, right, or straight ahead?” With no clue where the mine might be, she decided to trust her nose. “Surely I can’t go too far wrong doing that,” she said, stepping off the path and onto a wide, neatly trimmed lawn.

But the lawn didn’t last long. The tidy grass gave way to wilder land—hill after hill, stretching far and wide. Alice trudged up one, then down another, then up again. She wasn’t sure if she had climbed ten hills or twenty, but by the end she was quite exhausted.

“They go on forever!” she cried, sinking to the ground. “I can’t take another step.” She removed her shoes and socks to rest her aching feet. As she sat there catching her breath, she spotted something halfway up the next hill—a dark opening that looked remarkably like the entrance to a mine.

Scrambling to her feet with shoes and socks tucked under her arm, she shouted, “That must be it!” and set off at a run. Despite having seen the entrance clearly, it took her longer than expected to reach it—whether a long time or a short one, she couldn’t tell.

When at last she arrived, she greeted the ramshackle gates breathlessly. “Oh, I’m so glad to see you. A minute later and I might never have made it!” She sat down to put on her shoes and socks, then stood to inspect a sign affixed to the gate. It was a square, yellow-painted piece of metal. Placing a finger to her lips to help her concentrate, she read:

‘This is a mine, of that you well know,
But what kind of mine—be it tin, be it coal?
If you dare to pass through and go down for a see,
Can you hope to return and be free?’

“What a strange sign to hang outside a mine,” she murmured, reading it again in case it made more sense the second time. It didn’t.

Tugging hard, Alice managed to pry open the rusty gates. The mine looked dark—very dark. She searched for a torch or something similar, but finding nothing, stepped carefully inside, hoping her eyes would adjust.

The passage sloped gently downward, letting some light from the entrance filter in. Alice searched everywhere—high and low, nook and cranny—for any trace of fertilizer. But no matter how hard she looked, she couldn’t find so much as a speck.

Sitting down on a rock jutting from the floor, she groaned. “It’s hopeless! I’ll never find anything in this silly old mine.”

“You’ll never find anything if you don’t look properly,” said a voice from the darkness.

Alice sprang to her feet. “Who’s there?” she called, peering toward the shadows.

“I might ask you the same question,” the voice replied, “seeing as you’ve wandered into my home.”

“Your home?” Alice repeated, shocked. “I’m not invading! I’m just looking for some fertilizer.”

“Well, that depends on how you see it,” said the voice.

“How you see it,” Alice corrected, though her confidence wavered.

“Let me explain,” the voice continued. “If I were to break into your home—”

“I didn’t break into anything!” Alice protested. “I just walked in!”

“Do you want me to continue or not?” the voice asked.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “Please go on.”

“Now, where was I?”

“I was breaking into your home…” Alice prompted.

“Ah yes. If I were to do that, I might find myself before a gistrate.”

“A what?”

“A gistrate—y’know, one o’ them judgey-types what send folks to jail.”

“Oh! You mean a magistrate.”

“That’s what I said,” came the reply. “But you come down here, willy-nilly, like you own the place, and act all put out when I call you out on it!”

“Well… I might understand, if this were a house,” said Alice. “But it’s just an old mine.”

“An old mine to you, perhaps,” said the voice, growing closer, “but to me, it’s home.”

“If you were an elf or a troll—or even a goblin—I might believe that,” said Alice, growing impatient.

“And what makes you think I’m not?” asked the voice, just as a figure stepped into the dim light.

“You are an elf!” Alice gasped. “And a very old one, at that!”

“There’s no need to be rude,” said the little man as he sat on a stone opposite her.

His clothes were rough and scratchy-looking—hessian, Alice thought. “Are you really an elf?” she asked, trying to touch one of his long, pointy ears.

“Less of that, missy!” he snapped. “Don’t you know elf ears are sensitive things?”

“They are?”

“Of course!” he replied, his tone softening.

Just then, Alice remembered the aspidistras waiting for her. Tears welled up in her eyes. “I must find fertilizer,” she sniffled. “They haven’t had any in ages—possibly years!”

“Let’s not have any of that,” said the elf, who suddenly felt even smaller than his modest two feet and six inches. “You said fertilizer, didn’t you?”

Blowing her nose into a handkerchief she pulled from her apron, Alice nodded. “Oh yes, Mr Elf. But not for me. It’s for the aspidistras.”

Grinning, the elf said, “Fle. That’s my name. Spelt F-L-E. Elf backwards, see? My mum thought it would help her remember.”

“I shan’t laugh, Mr Fle,” Alice promised.

“Just Fle,” he chuckled. “Leave the ‘Mr’ off—it makes me feel ancient!” They both laughed.

“Is all this fertilizer?” Alice asked, wide-eyed, as Fle led her through a hidden passage to a secret chamber stacked to the ceiling with sacks.

“Every last bit,” he said proudly. Tugging a rope, he opened a high window, flooding the cavern with daylight. “Take as much as you need!”

“I only need one bag,” said Alice. “That’s all I can carry.”

“Only one?” Fle scratched his head. “Barely seems worth the effort.”

“Yes, just one, please,” she confirmed.

“How many of them oispidistries did you say there were?” Fle asked.

“They’re aspidistras,” Alice giggled. “And there must be… let me see…”

Raising her hands, she began counting on her fingers. She counted, lost track, remembered a ten she’d carried over, and started again. Finally, she whispered, “There might be a hundred—or two hundred on a good day. One bag isn’t nearly enough.”

“Oh, don’t worry, my dear,” Fle reassured her. “There’ll be plenty for all your oispidistries.”

He sent Alice back to the surface and disappeared into the mine. About thirty minutes later, he emerged, dragging a wobbly cart behind him, loaded with two sacks of fertilizer—one small, one large.

“Hello, m’dear,” he called through the gates.

“Oh, Mr Fle!” Alice cried. “Is that all for me?”

“It’s Fle, remember?” he chuckled.

“Sorry—Fle,” she giggled.

“And yes,” he nodded. “It’s all for your precious oispidistries.”

“You’re the nicest elf I could ever hope to meet,” said Alice, beaming.

Her gaze returned to the curious sign on the gate. “Why did you put that up?”

“To keep folks from sneakin’ in and nickin’ the fertilizer,” Fle explained.

“But you’ve got loads! There’s no shortage.”

Patting the side of his nose, Fle winked. “Ah, but it keeps ‘em on their toes, thinkin’ there might be…”


Chapter Three
A Series of Confusing Directions

Alice and Fle, pulling his little cart behind him, arrived at the path lined with aspidistras and immediately set to work. They carefully fed the hungry plants, spreading generous handfuls of fertilizer at the base of each one.

“Heavens above,” sighed the mother aspidistra, her leaves perking up, “I feel better already.”

“So do I!” chirped the baby plant, enjoying its first taste of the magical mixture.

“My!” exclaimed Alice, stepping back in amazement. “I can see you growing before my very eyes!”

“They all are,” said Fle, sprinkling the last of the fertilizer and watering it in with a flourish. And he was right. Each plant, reinvigorated, began to grow so vigorously that their long, strappy leaves soon engulfed the entire path from view.

“Oh dear,” said Alice, dizzy from the swaying plants. “How will I ever find my way now?” She grasped the side of Fle’s cart for balance as the foliage rustled and danced in the windless air.

“We can’t stop,” said the father plant, rocking rhythmically.

“But why ever not?” asked Alice, feeling slightly seasick.

“We’re unhappy again,” he confessed. “We’ve grown too much and ruined your path. Now you’ll never find the White Rabbit.”

Tugging at the thick leaves, Alice could see nothing ahead—just a great green wall of foliage. “Oh dear,” she murmured. “Fle, do you have any idea how I’m supposed to find the White Rabbit now, if there’s no path left to follow?”

“Ah, the White Rabbit,” said Fle, grinning broadly. “Why didn’t yous say that before?”

Alice thought she had. But then again, in this peculiar place, it was entirely possible she hadn’t. “Do you know where I might find him, Fle? He said to return to the top of the world, but I haven’t a clue how to get there.”

“That I moight,” said Fle, fishing a battered notebook from his pocket and thumbing through its dog-eared pages. “Now would he be under R for Rabbit or W for White?”

“Surely under W,” Alice said confidently.

Fle flipped to the W section. “Nope. Nuthin’ there.”

“Then he must be under R.”

Fle’s stubby fingers flicked to the R’s. “Still not there,” he said, scratching his head. “Strange.”

Alice began to wonder how Fle ever found anything at all in that raggedy book. Then, inspiration struck. “Wait! What if he’s under B—for Bunny?”

Fle’s eyes lit up. “B, yous ses?” He thumbed quickly to the correct page and grinned. “Moi God, you’re right. Here it is!”

“How do I find him, Fle?” Alice pleaded.

“Ah, let’s see here…” He squinted at the scribbled notes.

“Well?” asked Alice, impatiently tapping her foot.

“It’s no good rushin’, child,” Fle said. “The more yous hurry, the slower yous’ll go.”

“Oh please, Mr. Fle,” she implored, hoping the title might speed him up. “Please just tell me where he lives.”

“Oh, that’s easy,” Fle said, surprised. “He lives in his house.”

“In his house?” Alice echoed. “What kind of address is that?”

“It’s the only one he’s got,” Fle shrugged. “It’s written right here. All yous have to do is follow your nose, and soon enough you’ll see his neat little house. Same one as in Wonderland, I hear. Shiny brass plate and all. ‘W. Rabbit’ in big letters.”

“Well, thank you,” said Alice, stepping off the overgrown path. She gave a cheerful wave to the swaying aspidistras. “Goodbye, plants!” And with that, she vanished behind a large Castor Oil Plant.

No sooner had Alice rounded the enormous leaves than an entirely new landscape opened before her. And what a strange, delightful place it was! There were waterfalls everywhere—not great roaring ones, but gentle trickles tumbling into sparkling pools just the right size for dipping tired feet.

“What a brilliant idea,” Alice said aloud. Sitting on the soft grass beside one particularly pretty pool, she took off her shoes and socks and slid her aching feet into the cool, refreshing water.

It was so soothing that her eyelids began to droop. “I mustn’t fall asleep,” she murmured. “No, I mustn’t…” But the next thing she knew, she was fast asleep on the mossy bank.

“Excuse me! I said, excuse me!” barked a voice.

Alice snored softly.

“Little girl, can you hear me?”

“Pardon?” she muttered, blinking groggily.

“If you’d been paying attention,” the voice scolded, “you’d have heard me!”

Alice rubbed her eyes and sat up. Standing before her on four strong flippers was a majestic white sea lion, with a spinning red ball balanced perfectly on his shiny black nose.

“Mind you don’t drop that on me,” Alice warned, scooting back.

“You insult me!” the sea lion huffed. “I never drop it.”

“I’m sorry,” Alice said, realising her tone had been a little sharp. “I didn’t mean to offend. It’s just that I’m not used to waking up with spinning balls so close to my face.”

“It’s all right,” said the sea lion, brightening. “Everyone says that.”

“They do?”

“Oh yes. Ball-spinning is second nature to me. Half the time I forget I’m even doing it.”

“Allow me to introduce myself,” Alice began, standing to curtsy.

“But you didn’t,” said the sea lion flatly.

“I didn’t what?”

“Introduce yourself.”

“Oh! I really must be losing my head.” She laughed. “I’m starting to wonder if I remembered to bring it with me.”

“I am King Tut,” said the sea lion proudly. “King of the white sea lions.”

Alice nearly laughed out loud—King Tut was the name of an old Egyptian pharaoh, not a sea lion. And how many white sea lions could there be anyway? Still, she kept that thought to herself and curtsied again. “A pleasure to meet you, Your Majesty. I’m Alice.”

“That’s better,” said Tut, tossing the red ball to her. She caught it, barely.

“Thank you, your royal highness.”

“Just Tut,” he said. “I’ve never been one for formalities.”

“Thank you—Tut,” she said, dropping the ball as she curtsied once more.

Tut laughed. “Let me hold that.” He flicked the ball back onto his nose, where it began spinning again as if it had never stopped.

Remembering her quest, Alice resumed walking and sniffing the air.

“Where are you going?” asked Tut.

“I’m trying to find the White Rabbit, but the directions I received—‘follow your nose’—are proving quite confusing.”

“Why so?” Tut asked.

“Well, should I follow the left side of my nose or the right?” Alice asked earnestly. “I really don’t know which way to go!”

Tut burst out laughing. He laughed so hard a tear rolled down his cheek and he wiped it away with a flipper.

“Don’t you know,” he said, still chuckling, “that left is right and right is left in this part of the world?”

“How can that be?” Alice gasped, touching both sides of her nose to check if they’d switched places.

“Everything’s topsy-turvy up here,” said Tut. “Look.” He somehow produced a compass. The needle spun wildly.

“I see,” said Alice, watching it whirl. “That must mean… if I follow my nose up… I should go… left?”

“Now you’re getting it!” said Tut, spinning his ball faster with approval.

“But how do I get up and to the left?” Alice wondered aloud, gazing over the waterfall-laced hills.

Tut tossed his ball onto a nearby rock, where it continued to spin on its own, and dove into the water. When he re-emerged, he was holding a kipper in his mouth.

“A kipper?” Alice cried. “You can’t possibly have caught that in there! Kippers are made in smoky old sheds!”

Grinning, Tut swallowed it whole and let out a loud burp.

“You wished it, didn’t you?” Alice exclaimed. “That’s the secret! I have to wish for help!”

Tut flicked his ball back onto his nose and swam away without a word.

“Now I get it!” Alice shouted. “All that confusion—left, right, up, down—it doesn’t matter. I need to wish for the way.”

She closed her eyes. “I wish, I wish… I wish for an escalator! An escalator to take me to the top of the world!”

In an instant, a tall, glimmering escalator appeared before her. It twisted left, then right, then left again, spiralling into the clouds.

“This must be the way,” said Alice. “This must lead to the White Rabbit’s neat little house…”

And without another word, she stepped onto the first gleaming stair.



Chapter Four
A Most Unexpected Encounter

The moment Alice stepped onto the first stair of the escalator and gripped the swiftly moving handrail, she began rising from the ground at an astonishing speed.

“My, this is a fast escalator,” she said, trying to admire the shrinking countryside below. “It’s a shame it isn’t slower—I might have enjoyed the view much more.”

As the landscape disappeared beneath her, the wind grew wilder, whipping around her and sending her hair flying like a kite. The escalator climbed faster and faster, until Alice was holding on for dear life. Beautiful birds of every colour fluttered by, soaring above and below her, seemingly unbothered by the gusts that had her clinging to the rail with white-knuckled determination.

“Oh, this wind is just dreadful,” she complained, batting her flailing hair out of her eyes. Blinded by it, she didn’t see the top of the escalator approaching, and she tumbled off the final step in a most ungraceful fashion—elbows, knees and all.

Picking herself up from the snowy ground, Alice blinked in confusion. She had expected to see the White Rabbit’s neat little house. Instead, there was only snow. Snow, and more snow.

“I must have wished too hard,” she muttered, teeth chattering, “and ended up at the actual North Pole!”

At first, she danced around in delight as snowflakes fell all around her—tiny, perfect crystals that melted on her eyelashes. But as the snow fell heavier and the cold seeped through her clothes, her delight turned to dread.

“I need something warm—fur coat, hat, gloves…” she said, hugging herself tightly. “And boots! My toes are freezing!”

The snow kept falling, piling around her feet and shoulders, until she was nearly buried. She shook her head, sending flurries flying, and desperately wished for someone—anyone—to come and rescue her.

Then came the sound of bells—distant, jingling bells.

“Where are they?” she called out, squinting into the swirling snow. “What could it be?”

Soon a shape appeared through the blizzard. It grew clearer with every passing moment until Alice could see it plainly: a dog sleigh, driven by a fur-clad man with a great bushy beard.

“Whoa! Steady now!” the man called to his dogs, slowing the sleigh as he leapt down and approached Alice with a warm bundle of clothes.

“Here you are,” he said kindly, offering her a coat, hat, gloves, and boots. “Put these on, and I’ll bring you somewhere warmer.”

Though she had no idea who he was—and he could have been anyone, for all she knew—Alice gratefully took the warm garments, dressed quickly, and climbed into the sleigh, burrowing deep into the fur blankets piled high within it.

“Rarr!” the man shouted, setting the dogs in motion. “Rarr!” he called again as the sleigh surged forward, vanishing into the whiteout.

When the sleigh finally stopped, the same kind voice said, “Here we are, little girl—safe and sound.”

Two large hands began digging through the mountain of blankets to find her. Alice peeked out, squinting at the light.

“Where are we?” she asked, blinking.

“You’re in Santa’s workshop, of course,” the man replied, his face lit with a jolly grin.

“Santa’s workshop? Really?” Alice asked in amazement. She looked around, taking in the wooden floorboards and flickering lanterns. “Are you truly Santa Claus?”

He chuckled. “I prefer Father Christmas, truth be told. Santa Claus always sounded a bit… colonial.”

Alice gasped, remembering the exact gift he had given her the previous Christmas—the one she had asked for so carefully in her letter.

“And I’m Alice,” she said, emerging from the sleigh.

“Pleased to meet you, Alice,” Father Christmas said, lifting her gently to the floor.

She examined his clothes—jeans and a woolly jumper—not at all what she expected. “But… where’s your red and white suit?”

He laughed. “That’s just for Christmastime. A rather modern tradition, I’m afraid. I prefer something more comfortable the rest of the year.”

Alice giggled. “You look so ordinary in those clothes!”

“I used to wear green and white, long ago,” he said thoughtfully. “Thinking about going back to that. What do you think?”

“Oh yes, much more festive than red and white,” Alice replied.

Just then, Father Christmas clicked his fingers. “You must be hungry.”

Two little men—surely elves—appeared, one holding a tray of delicious-looking biscuits, the other with the biggest mug of hot chocolate Alice had ever seen.

“Help yourself,” Father Christmas said. “If you want sugar, just wish for it.”

But Alice didn’t need to. Everything was perfect as it was. Once she’d eaten her fill, she remembered her quest—but hesitated to mention it. She had so many questions to ask. Like what Father Christmas did for the rest of the year. Or whether he really was going to bring back his green-and-white outfit.

“I imagine you’d like a tour of my workshop,” he said, stepping away from the window. “It’s still snowing outside—no rush to leave, is there?”

“I do love the snow,” Alice said, “but I admit I was getting a bit too much of it before you rescued me.”

“Found you,” Father Christmas corrected gently. “And you were never in real danger—my elves are everywhere.”

“Why were you out there yourself?” she asked.

“For sport and exercise,” he grinned. “Reindeer are the top dogs, of course, but for sheer thrill on the ground, nothing beats a dog sleigh.”

“It was thrilling,” Alice admitted. “Even buried under all those blankets!”

“And what were you doing out there?” he asked, stroking his long beard—Alice was almost certain it shimmered with rainbow colours.

Alice hesitated, then told him everything—from the White Rabbit’s sudden appearance, to how she had ended up lost in the snow. She left out the odd detail about being a grown-up in a child’s body—best not complicate things.

“Well now,” Father Christmas said, brushing a few rainbow particles from his beard. “That is quite the story.”

“It’s true!” Alice insisted.

“I believe you,” he chuckled. “And it sounds like you could use some help finding your Rabbit.”

“Oh yes, please!”

“Then we shall kill two birds with one stone,” he said.

Alice looked horrified. “Kill birds? With a stone?”

Father Christmas laughed heartily. “It’s just a saying!”

Three elves entered through a small green door Alice hadn’t noticed before. Father Christmas gave them quiet instructions, and they slipped back through the door just as quickly.

“Where are they going?” she asked.

“To make preparations for our search,” he replied, strolling toward a regular-sized door beside the smaller one. “Now, ready for that tour?”

Clapping with excitement, Alice followed him through…

What lay beyond was a vast, magical workshop—filled with hundreds of busy elves, all hard at work building toys. Piles of them rose nearly to the ceiling.

“I always wondered what you did the rest of the year!” Alice exclaimed. “It must take forever to make all of this!”

She picked up a plain black cube. “What kind of toy is this?”

“I was hoping you’d ask,” said Father Christmas, lifting another. “We invented it ourselves—it’s a wishing cube.”

“A wishing cube?”

“Go on. Just wish for something—but don’t tell me what it is.”

Alice closed her eyes and wished with all her might—for one thing: the location of the White Rabbit’s neat little house.

At once, a tingling sensation spread from her fingertips through her whole body. She opened her eyes to see the cube glowing with thousands of brilliant stars. Then it began to fade… slowly… until it vanished completely. But the stars remained, now swirling all around her in a dazzling display.

They spun faster and faster, until she felt dizzy. Just as she was about to complain, they stopped, giving her a moment to take in their full, breathtaking beauty.

But then… they blurred, faded, and turned into a thick, white fog.

“Oh no,” Alice groaned, “how will I ever find the Rabbit’s house in this?”

Frustrated, she waved her arms to clear the fog—crash! The invisible cube slipped from her hand and shattered on the floor. The fog dispersed along with it.

“I’ve ruined everything,” Alice sobbed. “How will I ever find him now?”

Two elves rushed over with a dustpan and brush, quietly sweeping up the broken pieces.

Then Alice gasped. “Wait—there are more cubes! Please, dear Father Christmas, may I try another?”

He smiled kindly, but shook his head. “I’m sorry, Alice. The magic only works once for each person.”

Crushed with disappointment, she followed Father Christmas as he resumed the tour, showing her the most marvellous toys she’d ever seen. And soon, she had quite forgotten the accident.

As the tour ended, Father Christmas called for the elves to gather.

“I’m sure Alice would enjoy a song,” he said.

“I’d love one,” she beamed. “Even if it’s not Christmas yet—could you sing a Christmassy one anyway?”

The smallest elf raised his hand. “Especially for you,” he said, “we shall sing Oh, Why Wait for Christmas?

After a few throat-clearing coughs, the elves began:


Oh, why wait for Christmas when you can have it every day,
Be it June or September, March, April, or May.
The thing to remember is not the date or day,
But the feeling that goes behind it—so share it right away.

Enjoy your time for living; enjoy your time on Earth,
A time for celebration, a chance to share in mirth.
Each day will shine brightly as you step forth anew,
And all of this made possible because the gift is true.

Oh, why wait for Christmas when you can have it every day,
Be it June or September, March, April, or May.
The thing to remember is not the date or day,
But the feeling that goes behind it—so share it right away.


Alice clapped joyfully. “Thank you! That was wonderful!”

“I think it’s time we were off,” said Father Christmas, stepping into the loading bay where a great sleigh waited.

“Where did that come from?” Alice asked, wide-eyed.

He smiled, stroking his beard—more rainbow sparkles floated free. “Magic,” she whispered.

“Would you like to meet the reindeer?” he asked.

“Oh yes, please!”

He led her to the front of the team. “This is Rudolph—he’s a bit frisky today.”

Sure enough, Rudolph reared up. “They all had oats this morning,” Father Christmas said with a chuckle.

“May I pat him?”

As if he understood, Rudolph gently lowered his head. Alice gave him a pat and smiled.

“He likes you,” said Father Christmas. “Always a good judge of character.”

Next came Dasher and Dancer, both eager for attention, followed by Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid, and finally, Donner and Blitzen.

“I love them all,” Alice sighed, giving Blitzen a special pat.

“Time to climb aboard,” Father Christmas said.

Alice tried, but the sleigh’s step was too high. Laughing, he clicked his fingers. Two elves ran over with a little staircase.

“Thank you!” Alice said, climbing aboard.

Once settled under a warm blanket, the sleigh began to move.

“Rarr, rarr!” Father Christmas shouted, and the reindeer galloped forward—lifting the sleigh into the starlit sky.


Chapter Five
The Trip of a Lifetime, and the Fright of Her Life

The sleigh hurtled across the snowy terrain, bumping and bouncing under a pale, lazy quarter moon. The sky was deepening swiftly, and Alice, bundled beneath a thick blanket, gazed in wonder at the strange sights speeding by—igloos, beavers, tiny cottages, kittens, babies in bonnets, hatters with teapots, and even a walrus reclining beside a coat stand. She wasn’t entirely sure whether she was seeing these things, or merely imagining them, but they fascinated her all the same.

“Oh dear,” she murmured, spotting a solitary kitten in the snow. “I do hope that’s not Dinah. If it is, she’ll catch her death of cold out there.”

Despite the curious sights flashing past, Alice began to wonder why the magical sleigh, so often associated with flight, remained stubbornly on the ground. Still, she said nothing—for Father Christmas, though jolly, was entirely focused on driving.

“Rarr, rarr!” he cried, eyes fixed on the horizon. “Rarr, rarr!”

Alice followed his gaze—and immediately saw the reason for his urgency. Looming ahead was the largest, darkest forest she had ever seen. The sleigh thundered toward it at alarming speed.

“RARR, RARR!” bellowed Father Christmas one last time. With a tremendous heave, the reindeer surged forward, and the sleigh soared up into the air—missing the trees by mere inches.

The sudden silence of the sky was deafening. Though the reindeer still galloped through the air, their hooves struck only wind. Alice peeked out from under her blanket.

“I’m sorry if I frightened you,” Father Christmas said kindly.

Alice gasped at the sight of the world below. “Are we really flying?”

“As surely as there is a Father Christmas!” he laughed.

Alice laughed too. She rather liked this old man.

“It’s so quiet up here,” she said, peering over the side of the sleigh into the inky dark. “How high are we?”

“Not quite at cruising altitude yet,” he replied. “But once we are, we’ll be about nine hundred feet up—give or take a few.”

“Nine hundred feet?” Alice echoed, astonished. “Is that as high as the moon?”

“Oh no,” he chuckled. “The moon’s more than a quarter million miles away—not even my reindeer could reach that far.”

They both laughed heartily. For a moment, Alice forgot all about her quest.

“You can relax now,” said Father Christmas. “We’ve reached cruising height. The air up here is as smooth as a hippopotamus’ hide.”

And it was. The sleigh barely seemed to move, as if they were gliding through velvet.

“Do you think the Rabbit is nearby?” she asked softly, her thoughts turning once more to the elusive creature.

Father Christmas stroked his beard and considered. “That all depends…”

“On what?”

“On where you think he might be,” he said. “Things are different in the north, Alice. Left may be right. Up may be down. The important thing is to believe he’s findable.”

She nodded, remembering King Tut’s similar advice. After that, neither of them spoke. They sailed in silence above the frozen wastes, scanning the snowbound landscape for any sign of a small white house—or a small white rabbit.

For hours they searched. At last, dawn began to nibble away at the darkness.

“I’m afraid that’s it,” Father Christmas said gently, admitting defeat. “We must head home. Christmas is nearly upon us…”

“No!” Alice cried, surprising herself. “I can’t give up. I must go on.”

And just then, she spotted something—movement below, small and slow. A lone figure trudged through the deep snow.

“Look!” she exclaimed. “There’s someone down there!”

Father Christmas looked uncertain. “Are you sure? You don’t know who—or what—that is. You’re welcome to come back with me, to the workshop. It’s warm, and the elves make excellent hot chocolate.”

“But it isn’t even November!” Alice replied, brushing the thought aside. “Please, let me down. I have to find out who it is.”

He didn’t press her further. Instead, he whispered to Rudolf, “Rarr… rarr…” and guided the sleigh gently down, landing in front of the figure.

Alice leapt out. “Thank you for everything!” she said.

“Here,” said Father Christmas, handing her a small black cube. “If you need me, use this to call.” Then, with a final “Rarr, rarr!” he was gone—reindeer and all—rising into the pinkish sky.

Alice turned to the cloaked figure, now only steps away. “Good morning,” she said kindly. “I’m Alice. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”

The figure did not reply.

“I said, good morning—”

She stopped. The figure had raised its head.

Alice staggered backwards, coughing in fright. Beneath the torn layers of clothing was a face—no, not a face. A skull. A human skull.

With trembling hands, she reached into her pocket and drew the cube. “Please come back,” she whispered. “Please…”

But before she could use it, the figure lifted a bony hand to where its lips should have been and said, “Wait…”

Alice froze.

“Wait,” it whispered again, and pointed ahead—into the blinding snow.

“What… what are you?” Alice asked, her voice shaking.

“I am Death,” it said softly. Then added, “And Life.”

Alice blinked. “But that makes no sense! Death and Life are opposites.”

The figure gave no answer, only glided forward, its arm still outstretched.

“Do you want me to follow?” she asked. “I thought you told me to wait!”

It gave no reply.

Snow swirled thickly around them as Alice trudged behind. The warmth of the sleigh ride was long gone, replaced by a hollow cold that settled deep in her bones. The figure glided, silent. She followed, step after painful step, longing for it to speak again, to say something—anything—kind.

But it didn’t. It only pointed forward.

The journey grew harder. Ice beneath her boots, snowflakes blinding her eyes. She began to limp. A blister formed, then burst, soaking her sock in searing pain. At last, she collapsed.

“I can’t go on!” she cried. “I can’t take another step!”

The figure stopped. They had arrived.

Alice found herself before a strange building, its tall door framed by carved columns and frosted leaded windows. The pain in her foot vanished. She removed her shoe and sock—astonished. The blister was gone.

“How curious,” she said. “But then again, everything here is.”

She knocked firmly on the heavy door. A wreath of holly rustled in the wind.

“Surely someone is home,” she said. “I need to warm myself by a fire. This snow is dreadful.”

The door creaked open. But no one was there.

“Hello?” she called. “Is anyone inside?”

No reply.

Cold wind pushed snow through the open doorway. “I’ll catch my death if I stand out here,” Alice muttered, stepping into the silent hall.

She wandered down a long corridor. “Hello? Is anyone home?” Still nothing.

She opened a white door at the far end and found herself in a large, empty room—save for a crackling fire in the hearth. She hurried to it and warmed her hands.

“At least I’m out of the cold,” she murmured. “And far away from that frightful figure. Those dreadful bony fingers!”

Movement caught her eye.

A mouse scurried along the skirting board, vanishing beneath a door. Curious, Alice followed.

The next room was as empty as the last. Again, the mouse ran ahead and disappeared under another door. Alice followed without hesitation.

But this room was very different. It was packed with furniture—so much of it that she could barely move. She squeezed past wardrobes, presses, tables and chairs until she found a small clear space in the rear.

There stood two beautifully carved chairs.

“How lovely,” she whispered. She sat in the first one—it was elegant, but too firm.

Then she tried the second. It was perfect.

“I do like this one,” she said, snuggling into it. “So comfortable… I think I might…”

She yawned.

“…take a little nap…”

And before she could finish the sentence, Alice was fast asleep.

CONTD

mad mr viscous

 

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The lost chapter from ‘Through the Looking Glass’

A Wasp in a Wig

A wasp in a wig

…and she was just going to spring over, when she heard a deep sigh, which seemed to come from the wood behind her.
“There’s somebody very unhappy there,” she thought, looking anxiously back to see what was the matter. Something like a very old man (only that his face was more like a wasp) was sitting on the ground, leaning against a tree, all huddled up together, and shivering as if he were very cold.
“I don’t think I can be of any use to him,” was Alice’s first thought, as she turned to spring over the brook: – “but I’ll just ask him what’s the matter,” she added, checking herself on the very edge. “If I once jump over, everything will change, and then I can’t help him.”
So she went back to the Wasp – rather unwillingly, for she was very anxious to be a queen.
“Oh, my old bones, my old bones!” he was grumbling as Alice came up to him.
“It’s rheumatism, I should think,” Alice said to herself, and she stooped over him, and said very kindly, “I hope you’re not in much pain?”
The Wasp only shook his shoulders, and turned his head away. “Ah deary me!” he said to himself.
“Can I do anything for you?” Alice went on. “Aren’t you rather cold here?”
“How you go on!” the Wasp said in a peevish tone. “Worrity, Worrity! There never was such a child!”
Alice felt rather offended at this answer, and was very nearly walking on and leaving him, but she thought to herself “Perhaps it’s only pain that makes him so cross.” So she tried once more.
“Won’t you let me help you round to the other side? You’ll be out of the cold wind there.”
The Wasp took her arm, and let her help him round the tree, but when he got settled down again he only said, as before, “Worrity, worrity! Can’t you leave a body alone?”
“Would you like me to read you a bit of this?” Alice went on, as she picked up a newspaper which had been lying at his feet.
“You may read it if you’ve a mind to,” the Wasp said, rather sulkily. “Nobody’s hindering you, that I know of.”
So Alice sat down by him, and spread out the paper on her knees, and began. “Latest News. The Exploring Party have made another tour in the Pantry, and have found five new lumps of white sugar, large and in fine condition. In coming back – ”
“Any brown sugar?” the Wasp interrupted.
Alice hastily ran her eyes down the paper and said “No. It says nothing about brown.”
“No brown sugar!” grumbled the Wasp. “A nice exploring party!”
“In coming back,” Alice went on reading, “they found a lake of treacle. The banks of the lake were blue and white, and looked like china. While tasting the treacle, they had a sad accident: two of their party were engulped – ”
“Where what?” the Wasp asked in a very cross voice.
“En-gulph-ed,” Alice repeated, dividing the word in syllables.
“There’s no such word in the language!” said the Wasp.
“It’s in the newspaper, though,” Alice said a little timidly.
“Let’s stop it here!” said the Wasp, fretfully turning away his head.
Alice put down the newspaper. “I’m afraid you’re not well,” she said in a soothing tone. “Can’t I do anything for you?”
“It’s all along of the wig,” the Wasp said in a much gentler voice.
“Along of the wig?” Alice repeated, quite pleased to find that he was recovering his temper.
“You’d be cross too, if you’d a wig like mine,” the Wasp went on. “They jokes, at one. And they worrits one. And then I gets cross. And I gets cold. And I gets under a tree. And I gets a yellow handkerchief. And I ties up my face – as at the present.”
Alice looked pityingly at him. “Tying up the face is very good for the toothache,” she said.
“And it’s very good for the conceit,” added the Wasp.
Alice didn’t catch the word exactly. “Is that a kind of toothache?” she asked.
The Wasp considered a little. “Well, no,” he said: “it’s when you hold up your head – so – without bending your neck.”
“Oh, you mean stiff-neck,” said Alice.
The Wasp said “That’s a new-fangled name. They called it conceit in my time.”
“Conceit isn’t a disease at all,” Alice remarked.
“It is, though,” said the Wasp: “wait till you have it, and then you’ll know. And when you catches it, just try tying a yellow handkerchief round your face. It’ll cure you in no time!”
He untied the handkerchief as he spoke, and Alice looked at his wig in great surprise. It was bright yellow like the handkerchief, and all tangled and tumbled about like a heap of sea-weed. “You could make your wig much neater,” she said, “if only you had a comb.”
“What, you’re a Bee, are you?” the Wasp said, looking at her with more interest. “And you’ve got a comb. Much honey?”
“It isn’t that kind,” Alice hastily explained. “It’s to comb hair with – your wig’s sovery rough, you know.”
“I’ll tell you how I came to wear it,” the Wasp said. “When I was young, you know, my ringlets used to wave – ”
A curious idea came into Alice’s head. Almost every one she had met had repeated poetry to her, and she thought she would try if the Wasp couldn’t do it too. “Would you mind saying it in rhyme?” she asked very politely.
“It aint what I’m used to,” said the Wasp: “however I’ll try; wait a bit.” He was silent for a few moments, and then began again –
“When I was young, my ringlets waved
And curled and crinkled on my head:
And then they said ‘You should be shaved,
And wear a yellow wig instead.’
But when I followed their advice,
And they had noticed the effect,
They said I did not look so nice
As they had ventured to expect.
They said it did not fit, and so
It made me look extremely plain:
But what was I to do, you know?
My ringlets would not grow again.
So now that I am old and grey,
And all my hair is nearly gone,
They take my wig from me and say
‘How can you put such rubbish on?’
And still, whenever I appear,
They hoot at me and call me ‘Pig!’
And that is why they do it, dear,
Because I wear a yellow wig.”
“I’m very sorry for you,” Alice said heartily: “and I think if your wig fitted a little better, they wouldn’t tease you quite so much.”
“Your wig fits very well,” the Wasp murmured, looking at her with an expression of admiration: “it’s the shape of your head as does it. Your jaws aint well shaped, though – I should think you couldn’t bite well?”
Alice began with a little scream of laughing, which she turned into a cough as well as she could. At last she managed to say gravely, “I can bite anything I want,”
“Not with a mouth as small as that,” the Wasp persisted. “If you was a-fighting, now – could you get hold of the other one by the back of the neck?”
“I’m afraid not,” said Alice.
“Well, that’s because your jaws are too short,” the Wasp went on: “but the top of your head is nice and round.” He took off his own wig as he spoke, and stretched out one claw towards Alice, as if he wished to do the same for her, but she kept out of reach, and would not take the hint. So he went on with his criticisms.
“Then, your eyes – they’re too much in front, no doubt. One would have done as well as two, if you must have them so close – ”
Alice did not like having so many personal remarks made on her, and as the Wasp had quite recovered his spirits, and was getting very talkative, she thought she might safely leave him. “I think I must be going on now,” she said. “Good-bye.”
“Good-bye, and thank-ye,” said the Wasp, and Alice tripped down the hill again, quite pleased that she had gone back and given a few minutes to making the poor old creature comfortable.
The chapter should probably follow after the chapter about the White Knight.

 

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Off with her head!

This poem was inspired by the NEW Alice in Wonderland story.

Off with her head, I said, OFF, OFF, OFF!

Off with her head; put it on a block!

Swing your axe high executioner; find the true mark!

I said off with her head, now make a start!’

*

Why would you want to punish her, so?

Said the red King for Alice, below.

She is just a poor child; a wisp of a girl,

Seeking Rabbit’s house on Top of the World.

*

For a moment the Queen faltered, mulling her plan,

Then she exploded again, asking, Are you mouse or man?

Alice’s head it must fall, lest yours be the next!

Now off with that head, and don’t make a mess!

*

Standing there frightened, Alice thought her days gone,

As she waited for the chopper and her final anon.

Then down from the sky an old man appeared,

And whisked her away  tucked under his beard!

*

She won’t be a chopping your head, my sweet child,

Said the man, Father Christmas, with gentle sweet smile.

We shall up and away and follow our snouts,

To Top of the World, and Rabbit’s neat house.

Hissing her annoyance at being out thought,

The Queen ordered everyone beheaded and went for a walk.

A new Alice in Wonderland story

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A Christmas Carol – Betwixt

Ever since I was a child, I have loved Charles Dickens’ story – A Christmas Carol. The passing of years has done nothing to diminish my love of this story. It was with that story in mind that I wrote this one; a tale that ensues alongside the original. I call it A Christmas Carol Betwixt. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did, writing it.

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A Christmas Carol Betwixt

An Excerpt

Chapter One

Scrooge could never be anything other than cold

of heart, burning his coal one piece at a time

 

Exiting the counting-house, two gentlemen walked dejectedly away from it. “Mr Fosdyke,” the first gentleman, a plump, grey-haired individual, said, “I am deeply saddened that anyone could be so cold of heart, especially so at this time of the year.”

The second gentleman, sporting thinning, red hair and a ruddy-faced complexion, replied, “Indeed, Mr Hartwell. Imagine, wanting to put the poor and destitute into prisons, to punish them, so, just because of their bad luck. Mr Scrooge must surely be the coldest person in England, this Christmas.”

“His clerk was suffering mightily, so cold that it was in his office,” Mr Hartwell said to his colleague. “Did you see the moribund fire they had set in the grate?”

Nodding, Mr Fosdyke replied, “I did. Mr Scrooge could never be anything other than cold of heart, burning his coal one piece at a time.”

“Come; we have others to call upon before this day has finished with us,” Mr Hartwell said to his colleague.

“Yes,” Mr Fosdyke replied. “I am sure they will – all of them – offer us a better welcome than Mr Scrooge.” As the gentlemen made their way along the narrow, cobbled street, the sound of their footsteps echoed in the cold, shadowy doorways and arches bordering it.

Rounding a bend in the street, Mr Hartwell gasped; shocked to see someone lying face down upon it. “Look,” he said, pointing to the unfortunate person, “someone is in need of our help.”

Approaching the person (it was a male) they tried to ascertain who it might be. “Who is it?” Mr Fosdyke asked his colleague

“I don’t know,” he replied. “He is mightily thin, though.”

“And small,” said Mr Fosdyke.

“Help me to roll him over, so we can take a look at his face,” Mr Hartwell said to his colleague. They rolled him over, onto his back. “My God,” Mr Hartwell gasped, “he is no more than a child!”

“Yes,” Mr Fosdyke concurred. “No more than ten or eleven years of age, I’d hazard a guess.”

“He’s wet to the bone,” Mr Hartwell said, desperately concerned for the child.

“And as cold as the grave,” Mr Fosdyke added. “Come; we must get him indoors, before a warm fire, lest he expires from exposure this very night.”

Later, at the gentlemen’s base in Threadneedle Street, the boy, seated in a chesterfield chair in front of a roaring log fire, offered his hands to the flames, warming them. “Begging your pardon, sirs,” he said, speaking timidly, shyly to his rescuers, “but how did I get here, wherever it is?”

Offering him a mug of piping hot cocoa, Mr Fosdyke said, “You are safe, here; it’s our base. We found you lying unconscious in the street.”

“And on so cold a night,” Mr Hartwell added.  “We feared for your life, so we did.”

Accepting the drink, the boy said, “Thank you, sirs, for helping me.”

Sitting on a chair adjacent the boy, “Mr Fosdyke said, “Pray tell us your name, lad.”

“And why you were lying unconscious in the street at so late of the hour?” Mr Hartwell implored. “Your parents must be sick with worry.”

However, staring blankly into his mug, the boy offered no explanation as to why this was so.

“Has the cat got your tongue,” Mr Fosdyke asked, jesting, trying to lighten the child’s mood.

Running a finger around the rim of his mug, the boy whispered, “My name is Tommy, Tommy Tilbert, sirs.”

“And?” Mr Hartwell asked, urging him to say more.

“And…I had been playing.” he told them, uncomfortably recalling the details.

“Playing outside, at past four of the o’clock – in the month of December?” Mr Hartwell enquired, thinking he heard incorrectly.

“Yes, sir,” Tommy replied. “It’s true!”

“It’s alright,” said Mr Fosdyke,” we believe you, don’t we Mr Hartwell?”

“Humph, yes,” he answered. “Of course! You must have had good reason to be there, on so cold an evening.”

“I did, I did!” Tommy insisted. Running his finger ever faster around the rim of his mug, he said, “You see, sirs…I am homeless – and I was set upon.”

“Set upon?” Mr Hartwell gasped, shocked by this news.

“Yes, sir”” he answered.

“Who attacked you?” Mr Fosdyke asked him.

His finger stopping, Tommy looked up from his mug, and said, “Street urchins.”

“Why did they attack you?” asked the gentlemen.

“Because I am homeless,” he replied.

“But they are also homeless,” said Mr Hartwell, scratching his head, perplexed by it.

“They attacked me because I am not one of them, in their gang,” Tommy explained. “I have not always been homeless, sirs.”

“Why are you homeless, then?” Mr Fosdyke curiously asked him.

His finger running around the ring of his mug once again, Tommy’s thoughts deepened, remembering how it had come about.

“Did you get lost?” Mr Hartwell enquired. “Because if you did, we shall do all that we can to reunite you with your parents.”

Bursting into tears, Tommy wailed, “Mum and dad – are dead!”

Stunned by this news, Mr Hartwell and Mr Fosdyke were at a loss as to what they might say in reply.

Continuing, Tommy sobbed, Mum and dad died last year, just before Christmas. They died of consumption, both of them – the same day.”

“I am so sorry to hear that,” Mr Hartwell said, in all honesty.

“Please accept my sincerest sympathies,” Mr Fosdyke said sympathetically to him.

“Thank you, sirs,” Tommy replied. Wiping the tears from his eyes, he said, “The landlord came to our house the day after my parents’ funeral. He told me to get out, that he had to fumigate it, after them dying from consumption, there. That’s what he said. He told me that I could return a week later, after the fumes had dispersed. But when I returned, there was a new family in our house, and they ran me, threatening me with the police if I came back, so they did.”

“Have you any brothers or sisters?” Mr Hartwell enquired.

“No, sir, not any,” Tommy answered despairingly.

“Have you any relatives?” asked Mr Fosdyke.

“Apart from an uncle and aunt, living somewhere in Pimlico, that I was unable to find, I have none at all,” Tommy glumly replied. “That’s why I was on the street.”

“And why the street urchins picked on you,” said Mr Hartwell.

“Yes,” Tommy answered. Taking off one of his shoes, he reached into it. The gentlemen supposed it was to fish out a stray stone.  Withdrawing his hand, Tommy said, “But they didn’t get this.” He showed them a shiny bright sixpence. Seeing it, the gentleman laughed, so amused that they were by his antics. Perturbed by their reaction, Tommy said, “Why are you laughing at me? This is my life savings!”

“We are laughing with you,” Mr Fosdyke kindly explained, “not at you.”

“Mind your money well,” Mr Hartwell told Tommy. Seeing the funny side of it Tommy chuckled quietly to himself.

Later, after the gentlemen had shown Tommy upstairs, where the housekeeper, Mrs Mablethorpe had put him to bed, Mr Hartwell and Mr Fosdyke relaxed. Seated in front of a roaring log fire, drinking port, they discussed their find. “The child fell asleep the instant his head hit the pillow,” Mr Hartwell said to his colleague.

“Indeed,” Mr Fosdyke concurred, “he was so tired from roaming the streets for almost a year, he was unable to keep his eyes open long enough to bid her goodnight.”

“We must search for the child’s uncle and aunt, this very evening,” Mr Hartwell insisted.

“Indubitably,” Mr Fosdyke replied. “And we shall not rest until we have found them. Mrs Mablethorpe, the housekeeper, will take care of Tommy while we are gone.”

Lighting a taper from the fire, Mr Hartwell offered it to his pipe. Sucking, breathing in the sweet smoke, he relaxed, enjoying the moment. “You know something, Mr Fosdyke,” he said, blowing out smoke. “I have been thinking.”

“Thinking?” Mr Fosdyke replied. “About what?”

Chewing thoughtfully on his pipe, Mr Hartwell said, “About Christmas.”

“Christmas?”

“Yes, Christmas,” he answered. “I have been thinking about it for a while, now. Tommy has focused my thoughts. Let me explain…”

By the time Mr Hartwell had finished explaining, telling Mr Fosdyke his thoughts about Christmas, his colleague was somewhat confused. “Let me get this straight,” he said, “you want to make Christmas better by making it easier?”

“Yes, in a nutshell, that’s it,” Mr Hartwell replied.

“But how is that possible?” Mr Fosdyke asked. “There are so many poor and destitute in England, let alone the rest of the world, it would take a miracle to achieve such a noble ambition.”

Placing his glass of port onto the mantelpiece, Mr Hartwell looked him straight in the eye, and said, “A miracle is exactly what I am hoping for.”

Thinking his colleague had drank one port too many, Mr Fosdyke reached up to the mantelpiece and pushed his glass gently away from him. Laughing good naturedly, Mr Hartwell said, “That was my first glass of port, and well you know it.” Reclaiming his glass, he sipped the delicious liquid. “I can see that you are confused, old chap,” he said, “so I will put it another way.” Returning his glass to the mantelpiece, he continued, “Can you recall what Mr Scrooge said about Christmas?”

“He said many things about Christmas,” Mr Fosdyke answered, “and all of them unfavourable.”

“He most certainly did,” Mr Hartwell admitted. Gazing into the fire, he watched some sparks escaping the logs. When they had disappeared from sight up the chimney, he said, “He also told us that his partner, Mr Marley, died seven years ago, this very night.”

“He did,” Mr Fosdyke answered. “I thought it most peculiar that such a terrible thing happening – and so close to Christmas – had not softened his temperament, not even a bit.”

Inspecting his pipe, Mr Hartwell noticed that it had gone out. Tapping it against the fireplace, he emptied it of spent tobacco. Refilling his pipe, he said, “If I was Mr Marley, alive and well, not dead as a doornail in a cold and damp grave, I would use my money to make this Christmas, indeed every Christmas, better than the one before it.”

“I am sorry, old chap,” said Mr Fosdyke, “but I cannot see how talking about Mr Marley can make Christmas any better or easier.”

“After we have visited his grave, you will,” Mr Hartwell whispered in reply. “After we have visited his grave…”

CONTD

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Alice in Wonderland on Top of the World

A NEW Alice in Wonderland Story

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Chapter One

Into The Abyss

It was many years later when Alice had her next adventure, and whilst she was quite surprised to be having one at all, after the passing of so many years, she was even more surprised to see that she was a child again, no older than when she had first entered Wonderland and slipped through that fascinating Looking Glass.
“How curious,” she whispered, trying to recall the child she had once been.
“You took your time getting here,” said the White Rabbit who suddenly appeared in front of her.
“I beg your pardon?” Alice replied, remembering how rude he could be, if he felt so inclined.
“I said you took your time getting here. You should have been here fourteen years ago,” the Rabbit huffed indignantly as he began hopping quickly away from Alice.
“But,” Alice spluttered, running after him, “I have no idea how I arrived, let alone why I am so late!”
“We accept no ifs or buts, here – you should know that by now,” said the Rabbit, as he opened a door which had appeared as suddenly as he. Stepping through, he said, “Hurry up, please don’t dawdle.”
As she followed him through the doorway, trying her to keep up with the fast-hopping Rabbit, Alice surmised that he must have got out his bed on the wrong side, this morning, to be so grumpy on so wonderful a day. And it really was a wonderful day, with a warm sun shining brightly upon them.
‘I wonder where I might possibly be?’ thought Alice, as she admired the pink forget-me-nots skirting a winding path before her. “Am I in Wonderland?” she asked, just as another door, the same as the first one, appeared.
Giving Alice a most peculiar look, the Rabbit said, “Of course we are not in Wonderland.” Opening the door, he told her, “We are on the top of the world.” Having said that, he scurried off, hopping down another winding path, also bordered by pink forget-me-nots.
“The top of the world?” Alice cried out, quite in surprise. “Why, that’s impossible!”
The Rabbit stopped hopping. Turning around, facing Alice, he said, “Then how can you be here, if it’s impossible?”
Flummoxed by the Rabbit’s question, Alice found herself struggling to find a reply. The only thing she was able to come up with was, “I bet you are mad!”
“That all depends,” the Rabbit replied quite matter-of-factly.
“It all depends on what?”
“On whether you mean mad or mad.”
“That’s silly,” said Alice. “They both mean the very same thing.”
“If you were mad number one,” said the White Rabbit, with full conviction of the soundness of his case, “and someone happened to tell you that you were mad number two, you might be very mad indeed, at so fundamental a mistake.”
“But I’m not mad!” Alice insisted, becoming ever more frustrated at so silly a conversation.
“How do you know that you aren’t mad,” asked the Rabbit, who appeared to be enjoying flummoxing Alice, so “when you can’t tell the difference between mad number one and mad number two, I might ask?”
“I just know that I’m not mad!” Alice insisted, stamping her foot, displaying her annoyance at what she considered was questionable logic. Changing the subject, from her possible madness or claimed sanity, Alice informed the Rabbit that another door had appeared and was awaiting his attention.
Turning round, the White Rabbit took hold of the handle and tried to open the door, but it remained stubbornly shut.
“Might I try?” Alice asked, feeling very un-mad. Standing away from the door, the White Rabbit said nothing, but his pink, beady eyes watched her intently.
The door opened easily for Alice. Feeling vindicated, she said, “Could a mad person have done that?” Without waiting for a reply, she stepped through the doorway and fell into a gaping hole on the far side.
“No, they mightn’t,” said the Rabbit, laughing as she disappeared into the hole. “But would they have fallen down there?” Laughing again, he hopped through doorway and into the hole, following Alice…
After a long fall in near to total darkness, a fall that reminded Alice of the time she had fallen down the rabbit hole, into Wonderland, the speed of her descent began to slow. In fact it slowed so much it stopped altogether, and she began rising again. “I don’t want to return up there, even if it is to the top of the world,” she insisted. Staring at the speck of light high above her, she said, “It’s far too far!”
Hearing something passing her by (she had no idea what it could be, for it was far too dark to see properly), Alice jumped onto its back. Holding on tightly, she rode out from the well.
Alice was surprised to see that she was riding a baby hippopotamus, whose skin was as smooth as silk. She wondered how she had been able to stay upon it for second let alone long enough to escape from the dark, dreary place. Alice had so sooner begun thinking about this, when she felt herself slipping, sliding off the baby hippopotamus. Landing with a bump on the hard, dusty ground, she moaned, “I don’t like this place I don’t like it at all.”
“You don’t like it!” said the baby hippopotamus, in a surprisingly high-pitched voice for such an extreme animal. “How do you think I feel? There’s not a drop of water to be seen – anywhere. And we hippos need so much of it!”
Brushing her dress, removing the dust from it, Alice said, “Mr Hippopotamus, I would like to thank you for the ride from out of that cave, or whatever it happens to be. Moreover, it was the most comfortable hippopotamus ride I have ever had (Alice omitted to tell the hippopotamus that it was the only one she had had), thank you, again.”
“My dear child,” it answered, “you are so light I hardly noticed you there. Any time you feel the need to take a ride from out of that dark space, please feel free to jump on my back as I pass you by.”
“Thank you, thank you so much,” she told him. “I shall keep your invitation in my invitation book, and if I don’t find a need for it, I will treasure it always.”
After that the hippopotamus returned to the darkness, searching for some water. However, before he had a chance to begin, Alice heard another soft landing (though it has to be said that it was not as soft as hers). Before she could say Jack Robinson, the White Rabbit appeared, sitting back to front on the baby hippo’s back, riding out, into the bright light.
After the White Rabbit had thanked the baby hippopotamus for the ride (Alice felt he was nowhere near as grateful as she had been), he scolded Alice for having fallen down the hole, before him. He said, “If there is to be any hole-falling done around here, we must first have a vote, to decide who shall be first and who second. Is that clear?”
Although Alice nodded in agreement, she harboured a suspicion that he was quite possibly mad number one, and if not that he was most certainly mad number two.
Another winding path suddenly appeared before them, but this one, although also bordered by flowers, was in no way as inviting as the previous ones. You see, instead of pink forget-me-nots, giant aspidistras sporting green, snapping beaks awaited them.
“Come on, Alice, we have to find our way up, to the very top of the world” said the Rabbit as he hurried past the plants with their snap, snapping beaks.
Alice gasped as the first plant, snapping hungrily at his thick fur, tore a large wad from his back. “Come on, we must return to the top of the world,” he ordered, seemingly oblivious to the dangers posed by the snapping beaks. Having no intention of admitting that she was afraid of some silly old flowers that the Rabbit considered quite harmless, and having even less intention of asking him for his help, Alice got ready to pass down the dangerous path.
By now the White Rabbit was so far ahead of her, Alice doubted she might ever catch up with him. Closing her eyes, taking a first tentative step, she began her way down the aspidistra-bordered path, hoping, just hoping to catch up with the fast hopping Rabbit.
Alice hadn’t finished taking her first step, when one of the snapping beaks tried to remove a piece from her left ear. A second beak, sensing an easy target, pulled violently at her hair, while a third green beak tried to bite off her nose.
“Stop that!” Alice told the bad-mannered plants. “Stop that this instant or I shall be forced to dig you all up, and replant you with rhubarb,” she warned.
Like a switch had been turned, the beaks stopped attacking. Inspecting her head, Alice made sure that it was intact. After she was satisfied that everything was as it had previously been, she said, “Thank you. I can’t ever imagine what has got into you, to behave so rudely. Don’t you know that plants are supposed to be nice, not terrible, awful things?”
As she studied the giant plants, with their green beaklike mouths close in front of her, Alice thought she heard a cry, so she asked, “Who is crying?”
Despite listening intently, Alice heard no reply, as all the while the cry from somewhere deep within the group of plants continued. Then they began swaying, their beak mouths on stalks high above them, also swaying.
“Stop it, stop it,” Alice ordered. “Tell me which of you is crying?”
Although it was still swaying, one of the plants began speaking, it said, “She is crying, the little offshoot, close to my wife – see.” One of its long strappy leaves pointed across to the right.
“Your wife?” Alice asked, in surprise that a plant might actually be married.
“Yes,” the aspidistra replied, swaying some more. “Can you see them?”
“I might, if you stopped swaying,” she said. “I am beginning to feel quite sick from it all.”
“I can’t,” the plant told her. “None of us can. When we are upset, we sway. That’s why we sway so much in the wind, because we don’t like it, because it upsets us so.”
“Oh, I am so sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help?”
“You can promise that you won’t dig us up…” a baby voice sobbed.
“Of course I won’t dig you up,” Alice promised. “I only said that because of the terrible way you were treating me.”
The plants stopped swaying, allowing Alice to see the child aspidistra tucked lovingly under its mother’s green leaves. Showing no fear for her safety, disappearing beneath the huge plants (she now trusted them unquestionably), Alice approached the baby plant and its doting mother.
“I am sorry,” she said, “if I upset you. Will you please forgive me?”
“Yes, I will,” said the baby plant, trying to hold back sob. “And we are sorry, so sorry that we frightened you. We are like this because we are so hungry… we are usually happy, with smiling beaks to welcome the weary traveller.”
Confused, Alice asked, “Hungry? How can you be hungry when your roots can find all the food that you need?”
“Fertilizer, all plants need fertilizer at some time in their lives,” the baby aspidistra explained. “None of us have had any fertilizer for ages. I have never had any – ever! I don’t even know what it looks like!”
“This is a most terrible state of affairs,” said Alice, scratching her head, trying to work out what could be done to remedy the unfortunate situation. Raising a finger, she asked, “Can I go fetch you some?”
If their beaks had been able to smile, every last beak skirting that path would have been smiling radiantly at Alice. They became so excited at the prospect of getting some fertilizer they began talking furiously amongst themselves. In fact, the plants’ conversation became so loud, so noisy Alice could hardly hear herself think. In the end she had to ask them to stop. “Stop, stop talking, please,” she said, “my ears are hurting from it all.”
It stopped; the excited talking stopped, except for one of the plants, the mother aspidistra, who said, “Do you know where you can find us some fertilizer?”
“I, I don’t know,” Alice replied uncertainly.
Smiling, Alice was sure she saw the beak smiling, when it said, “Go to the fertilizer mine, there you will find all the fertilizer we need.”
“Where is it, the mine?” Alice asked.
“I am sorry, I don’t know, none of us know where it is located,” the mother aspidistra confessed. “But we do know that it most surely exists.”
Seeing how sad the mother plant had become, Alice said, “I will find you some fertilizer, I will find enough fertilizer to feed you all – I promise.”

CONTD

*****

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Go on, visit it, it won’t go away,

It is waiting there patiently until you arrive,

And when you get there, you will feel SO ALIVE.

(Click on the picture – and enjoy!)

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The Walrus and the Carpenter by Lewis Carroll

The Walrus and the Carpenter

The Walrus and the Carpenter

by Lewis Carroll

The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright–
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.

The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done–
“It’s very rude of him,” she said,
“To come and spoil the fun!”

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead–
There were no birds to fly.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
“If this were only cleared away,”
They said, “it would be grand!”

“If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year.
Do you suppose,” the Walrus said,
“That they could get it clear?”
“I doubt it,” said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.

“O Oysters, come and walk with us!”
The Walrus did beseech.
“A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each.”

The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head–
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.

But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat–
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn’t any feet.

Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more–
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.

“The time has come,” the Walrus said,
“To talk of many things:
Of shoes–and ships–and sealing-wax–
Of cabbages–and kings–
And why the sea is boiling hot–
And whether pigs have wings.”

“But wait a bit,” the Oysters cried,
“Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!”
“No hurry!” said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

“A loaf of bread,” the Walrus said,
“Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed–
Now if you’re ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed.”

“But not on us!” the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
“After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!”
“The night is fine,” the Walrus said.
“Do you admire the view?

“It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!”
The Carpenter said nothing but
“Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf–
I’ve had to ask you twice!”

“It seems a shame,” the Walrus said,
“To play them such a trick,
After we’ve brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!”
The Carpenter said nothing but
“The butter’s spread too thick!”

“I weep for you,” the Walrus said:
“I deeply sympathize.”
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

“O Oysters,” said the Carpenter,
“You’ve had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?’
But answer came there none–
And this was scarcely odd, because
They’d eaten every one.

 

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Giggle My Boots

Giggle My Boots

Giggle my boots, gaggle my hat,

Goggle my shirtsleeves and fraggle that cat.

I am friggled with laughter, for I know that it’s true,

That you really do love me, not Johnny Lazoo.

*

You see, Johnny Lazoo, a man of some strength,

Wanted to court you, wanted to bend,

Your ear with his stories, your eye with his looks,

But you never gave him as much as a look.

*

The day that you said, ‘Yes, I’ll marry you, I will,’

Was the happiest day of my life; it was brill,

To think that you chose me over Johnny Lazoo,

Makes me friggle with laughter, knowing it’s true.

 *

Before I heard off with my bride and my life,

I will give you this piece of excellent advice.

If you are planning to woo your beau, here’s the rub,

Friggle her with laughter and griggle her with love.

********************

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A NEW Alice in Wonderland Story

Alice in WonderlandChristmas

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AN EXTRACT

Chapter One

Into The Abyss

It was many years later when Alice had her next adventure, and whilst she was quite surprised to be having one at all, after the passing of so many years, she was even more surprised to see that she was a child again, no older than when she had first entered Wonderland and slipped through that fascinating Looking Glass.

“How curious,” she whispered, trying to recall the child she had once been.

“You took your time getting here,” said the White Rabbit who suddenly appeared in front of her.

“I beg your pardon?” Alice replied, remembering how rude he could be, if he felt so inclined.

“I said you took your time getting here. You should have been here fourteen years ago,” the Rabbit huffed indignantly as he began hopping quickly away from Alice.

“But,” Alice spluttered, running after him, “I have no idea how I arrived, let alone why I am so late!”

“We accept no ifs or buts, here – you should know that by now,” said the Rabbit, as he opened a door which had appeared as suddenly as he. Stepping through, he said, “Hurry up, please don’t dawdle.”

As she followed him through the doorway, trying her to keep up with the fast-hopping Rabbit, Alice surmised that he must have got out his bed on the wrong side, this morning, to be so grumpy on so wonderful a day. And it really was a wonderful day, with a warm sun shining brightly upon them.

‘I wonder where I might possibly be?’ thought Alice, as she admired the pink forget-me-nots skirting a winding path before her.   “Am I in Wonderland?” she asked, just as another door, the same as the first one, appeared.

Giving Alice a most peculiar look, the Rabbit said, “Of course we are not in Wonderland.”  Opening the door, he told her, “We are on the top of the world.” Having said that, he scurried off, hopping down another winding path, also bordered by pink forget-me-nots.

“The top of the world?” Alice cried out, quite in surprise. “Why, that’s impossible!”

The Rabbit stopped hopping. Turning around, facing Alice, he said, “Then how can you be here, if it’s impossible?”

Flummoxed by the Rabbit’s question, Alice found herself struggling to find a reply. The only thing she was able to come up with was, “I bet you are mad!”

“That all depends,” the Rabbit replied quite matter-of-factly.

“It all depends on what?”

“On whether you mean mad or mad.”

“That’s silly,” said Alice. “They both mean the very same thing.”

“If you were mad number one,” said the White Rabbit, with full conviction of the soundness of his case, “and someone happened to tell you that you were mad number two, you might be very mad indeed, at so fundamental a mistake.”

“But I’m not mad!” Alice insisted, becoming ever more frustrated at so silly a conversation.

“How do you know that you aren’t mad,” asked the Rabbit, who appeared to be enjoying flummoxing Alice, so “when you can’t tell the difference between mad number one and mad number two, I might ask?”

“I just know that I’m not mad!” Alice insisted, stamping her foot, displaying her annoyance at what she considered was questionable logic. Changing the subject, from her possible madness or claimed sanity, Alice informed the Rabbit that another door had appeared and was awaiting his attention.

Turning round, the White Rabbit took hold of the handle and tried to open the door, but it remained stubbornly shut.

“Might I try?” Alice asked, feeling very un-mad. Standing away from the door, the White Rabbit said nothing, but his pink, beady eyes watched her intently.

The door opened easily for Alice. Feeling vindicated, she said, “Could a mad person have done that?” Without waiting for a reply, she stepped through the doorway and fell into a gaping hole on the far side.

“No, they mightn’t,” said the Rabbit, laughing as she disappeared into the hole. “But would they have fallen down there?” Laughing again, he hopped through doorway and into the hole, following Alice…

After a long fall in near to total darkness, a fall that reminded Alice of the time she had fallen down the rabbit hole, into Wonderland, the speed of her descent began to slow. In fact it slowed so much it stopped altogether, and she began rising again. “I don’t want to return up there, even if it is to the top of the world,” she insisted. Staring at the speck of light high above her, she said, “It’s far too far!”

Hearing something passing her by (she had no idea what it could be, for it was far too dark to see properly), Alice jumped onto its back. Holding on tightly, she rode out from the well.

Alice was surprised to see that she was riding a baby hippopotamus, whose skin was as smooth as silk. She wondered how she had been able to stay upon it for second let alone long enough to escape from the dark, dreary place. Alice had so sooner begun thinking about this, when she felt herself slipping, sliding off the baby hippopotamus. Landing with a bump on the hard, dusty ground, she moaned, “I don’t like this place I don’t like it at all.”

“You don’t like it!” said the baby hippopotamus, in a surprisingly high-pitched voice for such an extreme animal. “How do you think I feel? There’s not a drop of water to be seen – anywhere. And we hippos need so much of it!”

Brushing her dress, removing the dust from it, Alice said, “Mr Hippopotamus, I would like to thank you for the ride from out of that cave, or whatever it happens to be. Moreover, it was the most comfortable hippopotamus ride I have ever had (Alice omitted to tell the hippopotamus that it was the only one she had had), thank you, again.”

“My dear child,” it answered, “you are so light I hardly noticed you there. Any time you feel the need to take a ride from out of that dark space, please feel free to jump on my back as I pass you by.”

“Thank you, thank you so much,” she told him. “I shall keep your invitation in my invitation book, and if I don’t find a need for it, I will treasure it always.”

After that the hippopotamus returned to the darkness, searching for some water. However, before he had a chance to begin, Alice heard another soft landing (though it has to be said that it was not as soft as hers). Before she could say Jack Robinson, the White Rabbit appeared, sitting back to front on the baby hippo’s back, riding out, into the bright light.

After the White Rabbit had thanked the baby hippopotamus for the ride (Alice felt he was nowhere near as grateful as she had been), he scolded Alice for having fallen down the hole, before him. He said, “If there is to be any hole-falling done around here, we must first have a vote, to decide who shall be first and who second. Is that clear?”

Although Alice nodded in agreement, she harboured a suspicion that he was quite possibly mad number one, and if not that he was most certainly mad number two.

Another winding path suddenly appeared before them, but this one, although also bordered by flowers, was in no way as inviting as the previous ones. You see, instead of pink forget-me-nots, giant aspidistras sporting green, snapping beaks awaited them.

“Come on, Alice, we have to find our way up, to the very top of the world” said the Rabbit as he hurried past the plants with their snap, snapping beaks.

Alice gasped as the first plant, snapping hungrily at his thick fur, tore a large wad from his back. “Come on, we must return to the top of the world,” he ordered, seemingly oblivious to the dangers posed by the snapping beaks. Having no intention of admitting that she was afraid of some silly old flowers that the Rabbit considered quite harmless, and having even less intention of asking him for his help, Alice got ready to pass down the dangerous path.

By now the White Rabbit was so far ahead of her, Alice doubted she might ever catch up with him. Closing her eyes, taking a first tentative step, she began her way down the aspidistra-bordered path, hoping, just hoping to catch up with the fast hopping Rabbit.

Alice hadn’t finished taking her first step, when one of the snapping beaks tried to remove a piece from her left ear. A second beak, sensing an easy target, pulled violently at her hair, while a third green beak tried to bite off her nose.

“Stop that!” Alice told the bad-mannered plants. “Stop that this instant or I shall be forced to dig you all up, and replant you with rhubarb,” she warned.

Like a switch had been turned, the beaks stopped attacking. Inspecting her head, Alice made sure that it was intact. After she was satisfied that everything was as it had previously been, she said, “Thank you. I can’t ever imagine what has got into you, to behave so rudely. Don’t you know that plants are supposed to be nice, not terrible, awful things?”

As she studied the giant plants, with their green beaklike mouths close in front of her, Alice thought she heard a cry, so she asked, “Who is crying?”

Despite listening intently, Alice heard no reply, as all the while the cry from somewhere deep within the group of plants continued. Then they began swaying, their beak mouths on stalks high above them, also swaying.

“Stop it, stop it,” Alice ordered. “Tell me which of you is crying?”

Although it was still swaying, one of the plants began speaking, it said, “She is crying, the little offshoot, close to my wife – see.” One of its long strappy leaves pointed across to the right.

“Your wife?” Alice asked, in surprise that a plant might actually be married.

“Yes,” the aspidistra replied, swaying some more. “Can you see them?”

“I might, if you stopped swaying,” she said. “I am beginning to feel quite sick from it all.”

“I can’t,” the plant told her. “None of us can. When we are upset, we sway. That’s why we sway so much in the wind, because we don’t like it, because it upsets us so.”

“Oh, I am so sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help?”

“You can promise that you won’t dig us up…” a baby voice sobbed.

“Of course I won’t dig you up,” Alice promised. “I only said that because of the terrible way you were treating me.”

The plants stopped swaying, allowing Alice to see the child aspidistra tucked lovingly under its mother’s green leaves. Showing no fear for her safety, disappearing beneath the huge plants (she now trusted them unquestionably), Alice approached the baby plant and its doting mother.

“I am sorry,” she said, “if I upset you. Will you please forgive me?”

“Yes, I will,” said the baby plant, trying to hold back sob. “And we are sorry, so sorry that we frightened you. We are like this because we are so hungry… we are usually happy, with smiling beaks to welcome the weary traveller.”

Confused, Alice asked, “Hungry? How can you be hungry when your roots can find all the food that you need?”

“Fertilizer, all plants need fertilizer at some time in their lives,” the baby aspidistra explained. “None of us have had any fertilizer for ages. I have never had any – ever! I don’t even know what it looks like!”

“This is a most terrible state of affairs,” said Alice, scratching her head, trying to work out what could be done to remedy the unfortunate situation. Raising a finger, she asked, “Can I go fetch you some?”

If their beaks had been able to smile, every last beak skirting that path would have been smiling radiantly at Alice. They became so excited at the prospect of getting some fertilizer they began talking furiously amongst themselves. In fact, the plants’ conversation became so loud, so noisy Alice could hardly hear herself think. In the end she had to ask them to stop. “Stop, stop talking, please,” she said, “my ears are hurting from it all.”

It stopped; the excited talking stopped, except for one of the plants, the mother aspidistra, who said, “Do you know where you can find us some fertilizer?”

“I, I don’t know,” Alice replied uncertainly.

Smiling, Alice was sure she saw the beak smiling, when it said, “Go to the fertilizer mine, there you will find all the fertilizer we need.”

“Where is it, the mine?” Alice asked.

“I am sorry, I don’t know, none of us know where it is located,” the mother aspidistra confessed. “But we do know that it most surely exists.”

Seeing how sad the mother plant had become, Alice said, “I will find you some fertilizer, I will find enough fertilizer to feed you all – I promise.”

CONTD

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