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Author Archives: The Crazymad Writer

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About The Crazymad Writer

FREE EBOOKS FOR ALL, that's what I say, FREE EBOOKS FOR ALL, courtesy of ME, The Crazymad Writer. Stories for children and young at heart adults. And remember, my eBooks are FREE FREE FREE!

The Watcher of the Cracks

The Watcher of the Cracks

The air in the Wasteland of the Forgotten didn’t move; it pressed, thick with the dust of ages and the silence of the long-dead. This was the domain of Malak, the Watcher.

Malak was less a creature and more a convergence of dread, draped in rags the color of grave-soil. His face was a hollowed skull, his eyes two pinpricks of yellow hunger. In his skeletal hand, he held a lantern—an antique cage of pitted brass, whose light was an impossible, warm amber. It was the only light in the infinite black, and it was the problem.

His sole, unending task was to patrol the endless, cracked earth. The cracks weren’t from drought; they were fissures in reality. Beneath the crumbling crust lay the Before, and the things that still squirmed there longed for the air, for a taste of the thin, weary world Malak occupied.

The weirdness wasn’t the monster, but the light. Malak wasn’t lighting his own way; he was illuminating the cracks. And every time the warm glow fell upon a particularly deep, vibrating fissure, he had to stop. He’d bring the lantern close, its heat making the dust shimmer, and listen.

Tap. Tap-tap.

The sound was like a tiny, insistent knuckle-rapping on glass. It was the sound of something from the Before—something with too many limbs and no real shape—testing the barrier. Malak’s duty was horrifyingly simple: if the tapping was too quick, too loud, or if the amber light caught a sudden, glistening wetness oozing up, he had to feed the crack.

Slowly, agonizingly, he would lower his lamp, not snuffing it, but placing it gently over the most active fissure. The tap-tapping would cease, replaced by a sucking sound, and the light—the precious, warm, only light—would dim, then flicker, then be gone. The thing below had consumed the illumination, the hope, of the little flame.

Then, Malak would remain in the absolute dark, his skull tilted, waiting. After an eternity that might have been a minute, a tiny, fresh flicker would reignite inside the empty brass cage. A new spark, a new life, drawn from the sheer, unending need for a Watcher. And Malak would lift the lamp, its amber glow illuminating the next set of cracks, and continue his patrol, knowing that eventually, he would have to feed the light away again.

He was the guardian of the dark, and the perpetual sacrifice of the light.

The Ledger of Ash and Stone

The figure known only as the Scribe of Silence (the lantern-bearer) had a singular, maddening realization: the cracks in the ground were not new. They were the seams of an ancient wound, and the things that crawled out of them had a disturbing habit.

The ruined tombstones scattered across the cracked plain were the first victims. They weren’t merely weathered by time; they had been scoured. Malak, the Scribe, knew the process well, for it was his fault.

A thousand years ago, this was a proud, vast necropolis, a fortress of memory. When the Great Tear first opened, spewing forth the Grave-Flesh—amorphous, hungry, and impossibly patient—the people fled. The priests tried to seal the Tear with prayer. The warriors tried with steel. Malak, then a common grave-tender, watched them all fail.

The Grave-Flesh did not eat bodies. It ate identity.

When it spilled out, it crept onto the grandest mausoleums, the tallest pillars, and the most lovingly carved headstones. It covered the stone like a damp, black mold. Where it lingered, the names disappeared. The dates vanished. The sentimental epitaphs—Beloved Father, True Friend, Eternal Rest—were polished away until the stone was blank and cold.

The crumbled tombstones in the image are the ones the Grave-Flesh has finished feeding on. They are smooth, faceless wreckage, the stone equivalent of a man’s mind wiped clean.

Malak’s curse is that he was the last one alive, forced to watch the final, agonizing erasure of his own people. His lantern’s light is not a guide, but a warning beacon he must shine only on the new cracks. He is searching for any stone that still carries an inscription, an old mark, or a piece of a forgotten name.

His fear is that one day, he will turn his lantern’s gaze upon the shattered remnants of the necropolis and find that not a single stone bears a mark, leaving the Wasteland perfectly, horribly, clean—the final triumph of the Grave-Flesh. And when the memories are all gone, Malak knows, he will be next.

 
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Posted by on October 28, 2025 in Horror, scare, Scary

 

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Why wait for Christmas?

Why wait for Christmas when you can have it every day,

Be it June or September, March, April or May.

The thing to remember is not the date or day,

But the feeling that goes behind it, so share it right away.

**********

Enjoy your time for living; enjoy your time on earth,

A time for celebration, a chance to spend in mirth,

Each day will go brightly as you strike out forth,

And all of this made possible because of the virgin birth.

**********

Why wait for Christmas when you can have it every day,

Be it June or September, March, April or May.

The thing to remember is not the date or day,

But the feeling that goes behind it, so share it right away.

 
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Posted by on October 18, 2025 in Uncategorized

 

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Why Wait for Christmas Song

Why Wait for Christmas?

Play this brand-new Christmas song – and enjoy.

*

Why wait for Christmas when you can have it every day,

Be it June or September, March, April or May.

The thing to remember is not the date or day,

But the feeling that goes behind it, so share it right away.

**********

Enjoy your time for living; enjoy your time on earth,

A time for celebration, a chance to spend in mirth,

Each day will go brightly as you strike out forth,

And all of this made possible because of the virgin birth.

**********

Why wait for Christmas when you can have it every day,

Be it June or September, March, April or May.

The thing to remember is not the date or day,

But the feeling that goes behind it, so share it right away.

 

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The Clockwork Whisperer

The Clockwork Whisperer

The Clockwork Whisperer

Wee Willie Winkie, through the keyhole peered,

His nightcap a funnel, his face veneer-sheared.

Not running for bed, oh no, not a dash,

But slow, like molasses in a digital crash.

 

He wore no striped gown, just a suit made of moss,

And carried a turnip where a candlestick was.

The turnip pulsed faintly, a cold, fungal light,

Illuminating the dust motes of the absolute night.

 

His voice was a rustle of static and sand,

“Are ye up? Are ye down? Is the moon in your hand?”

He wasn’t concerned with the tots tucked in tight,

But the unblinking eye of the house in the light.

 

He tiptoed past clocks that were weeping with rust,

He sniffed out the secrets of petrified trust.

And every lost sock, every marble rolled far,

Was cataloged neatly beneath a glass jar.

 

He found a small girl who was tracing a dream,

And replaced her soft blanket with a river of cream.

He whispered a formula, seven plus three,

Then peeled the wallpaper back just to stare at a tree.

 

The Wee Willie Winkie of plastic and glue,

Said, “Close up your eyelids, the sky is now blue.”

Then he vanished in silence, a slip on a tile,

Leaving nothing behind but a faint, liquid smile.

 

 
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Posted by on October 17, 2025 in nursery rhymes

 

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Steampunk Alice and the Clockwork Christmas

Steampunk Alice and the Clockwork Christmas

Alice and the Clockwork Christmas

 

The first thing Alice noticed that Christmas Eve was the sound of snowflakes ticking. They didn’t fall with gentle silence, but with a soft metallic ping, ping, ping, as if the air itself were made of cogs and springs.

“Now that’s quite impossible,” she said aloud, tilting her head back to catch one. It landed on her mitten and immediately began to spin like a tiny gear before melting into a puff of steam.

She stood at the edge of Steamhaven Square, where the lamps burned with a golden glow and wreaths of holly were hung not with ribbons but with copper wire. From every chimney, plumes of scented steam rose into the night—peppermint, cinnamon, and, most peculiar of all, plum pudding.

Her companion, a brass rabbit named Tock, twitched his metal whiskers and adjusted his top hat. “Best keep moving, Miss Alice,” he said. “Father Cogsworth’s time engine has gone haywire. The town’s running backward every half hour!”

Alice blinked. “Backward? How can Christmas come if time keeps reversing?”

“That’s just it!” said Tock, hopping ahead with a little click-click-clank. “If we don’t fix it, tomorrow will never arrive. No presents, no puddings, just Christmas Eve forever!”

They hurried toward the great Clock Tower, its giant hands whirring uncertainly, striking thirteen instead of twelve. Inside, the gears ground against each other like grumpy carolers out of tune.

Father Cogsworth himself, a portly man with soot-stained spectacles and a beard full of wire, was pacing about, muttering, “She’s jammed, she’s stuck, she’s lost her rhythm entirely!”

Alice curtsied politely. “Excuse me, sir. Might I be of some assistance?”

He looked at her, blinking behind his brass lenses. “A child? Oh, heavens, what could you possibly do?”

Alice smiled. “Why, ask the clock nicely, of course.”

Before anyone could stop her, she stepped up to the gleaming core of the tower, a mass of ticking gears, glowing valves, and a crystal heart pulsing faintly beneath a veil of frost. She laid her hand upon it.

“Now then,” she said gently, “you’ve been working very hard this year, haven’t you? All those seconds and minutes, turning and tocking and keeping everyone on time. But Christmas isn’t about being perfect, it’s about pausing long enough to enjoy the wonder of it.”

For a moment, nothing happened. Then the great clock gave a sigh, like a giant who’d finally stopped holding his breath. The gears slowed, steadied, and began to glow with a warm red-and-gold light.

Outside, the snow fell normally again, soft, shimmering, and quiet. The bells rang twelve, true and bright.

Tock’s eyes spun with delight. “You’ve done it, Miss Alice! You’ve unjammed time!”

Alice laughed. “I’ve only reminded it to take a rest. Even clocks deserve a holiday.”

When they stepped back into the square, the townsfolk were cheering. Children were sledding down the polished brass railings, shopkeepers handed out candied nuts, and steam-powered carolers puffed out notes shaped like stars.

Father Cogsworth presented Alice with a small, golden pocket watch. “A token of gratitude, my dear. It doesn’t tell time—it keeps memories. Open it whenever you wish to revisit tonight.”

Alice thanked him, slipped it into her apron, and looked to Tock. “Well then, what’s next on our adventure?”

The rabbit adjusted his cravat and grinned. “Hot cocoa at the Tea Engine, naturally.”

And as they strolled off together beneath the copper snow and lantern glow, the clock tower chimed again, not to mark the passage of time, but to celebrate that, for one night, everything in the world, mechanical or not. had found its perfect rhythm.

The End.

 

 

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There Once was a Slug called Slimy

There Once was a Slug called Slimy

The Great Lettuce Heist

Slimy’s ambition far exceeded his speed, or his girth. His dream was to cross the unforgiving expanse of Mrs. Higgins’s back garden to reach The Sacred Head of Romaine, a prize of such size and crispness it was practically a monument.

The year was 1968, the height of summer, and Slimy had a plan. He wasn’t going to crawl. Crawing was for amateurs.

He was going to surf.

His partner in crime was Pip, a beetle whose main function in life was complaining.

“I still don’t understand why we’re doing this during the hottest part of the day,” Pip muttered, clinging precariously to Slimy’s shell-less back.

“Silence, Pip!” Slimy yelled, his eyestalks twitching with maniacal focus. “The sun bakes my trail! It creates a slick, semi-solid layer of… of pure velocity!”

In reality, the heat was just evaporating the water in his mucus, leaving behind a sticky, awful film.

Slimy pushed off from the edge of the shed, aiming for the first patch of damp shade fifty feet away. Immediately, his undercarriage seized up. He wasn’t sliding; he was sticking. Every micro-millimeter of progress was achieved through pure, agonizing abdominal contraction, a motion less like surfing and more like peeling a sticker off a varnished tabletop.

“Velocity, you said,” Pip wheezed, adjusting his tiny sunglasses. “I believe the current rate of travel is approximately one Planck length per fortnight.”

Slimy ignored him. “I just need a better… launch!”

With a burst of desperation, Slimy secreted a volume of mucus that, had it been liquid, would have drowned Pip. The result was not speed, but a magnificent, sticky dome that enveloped them both. They slid three inches, then stopped dead, firmly glued to the concrete path.


 

The Unlikely Rescue

 

Just then, Kevin, a nine-year-old boy and resident Terror of the garden, came skipping out the back door, singing a song about “Groovy, Groovy Caterpillars.” Kevin was known for two things: an unnerving love of brightly coloured wellington boots, and an innate talent for accidentally stepping on invertebrates.

“Oh no, oh no, oh no,” Pip whispered, knowing their sticky situation meant a lack of escape options.

As Kevin’s neon green boot descended toward their mucus-prison, Slimy had a flash of inspiration. The glue!

He expanded the sticky dome, coating the bottom of the approaching boot just before impact. Kevin’s foot landed, missed Slimy by a hair, and then… stuck.

Kevin lifted his foot, and the entire surface layer of the concrete path, along with Slimy and Pip, came up with it. Slimy found himself traveling higher and faster than he ever had, clinging to the sole of the enormous boot.

“We’re airborne, Pip!” Slimy cried out, ecstatic. “We’re surfing the very winds of fate!”

“We are adhered to the sole of a rapidly moving, oversized rubber shoe!” Pip screamed back.

Kevin, oblivious, took a giant, stomping step right over the prize.

THWUMP!

Slimy, Pip, and the sticky patch of concrete landed squarely on top of The Sacred Head of Romaine.


 

The Victory

 

The impact shattered the lettuce, but left Slimy and Pip relatively unscathed. The surrounding slugs, who had spent the morning methodically nibbling the lower leaves, looked up in astonished, mucous-covered silence.

Slimy, covered in concrete dust and Romaine flakes, raised his eyestalks in triumph.

“See, Pip? Pure velocity!”

Pip merely shook his head, scraped himself off the sticky wreckage, and began eating the debris.

“Just call me King Slimy from now on,” Slimy declared.

“I’ll stick with Slimy,” Pip mumbled around a mouthful of lettuce, “but I’ll grant you this: you are the only slug in the county who has ever been rescued by his own failed adhesive technology.”

And that was the story of how Slimy, through utter incompetence and a staggering quantity of glue, successfully completed the greatest lettuce heist in garden history. Though, for the rest of his life, he was forced to peel himself off various surfaces using his tail.

 

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Alice and the Turning Gears

Alice and the Turning Gears

Alice and the Turning Gears

The air was thick with copper gleam,
A hiss, a hum, a waking dream.
Through gears that whispered, pipes that sung,
Brave Alice stepped where clocks were young.

Her apron caught the lantern light,
A beacon through mechanical night.
Her gloves were oiled, her courage wound,
Each heartbeat made a ticking sound.

The rabbit now was made of brass,
His ticking feet clicked on the glass.
“Follow,” he said, with eyes that spun,
“For tea is served when time’s undone.”

Through piston clouds and towers of steam,
She chased the echoes of a dream.
Each valve a thought, each cog a rhyme,
Each turn a twist of tangled time.

And when she paused, her goggles shone,
Reflecting worlds she’d never known.
“Perhaps,” she mused, “I’m not the same’
For dreams and gears both play the game.”

So still she walks through time’s machine,
Between the rust and silver sheen.
Her name a whisper, soft and clear’
Alice, the girl who turned the gear.

 

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Screen-Free Days Are Here Again

Screen-Free Days Are Here Again

Verse 1

So long, sad scrolls,

Go long, phone calls!

We are rid of you at last.

Howdy, green parks,

Quiet, no remarks!

Digital rush is a thing of the past.

Chorus

Screen-free days are here again,

The filter’s gone, the view is plain!

So let us sing a song of cheer again,

Screen-free days are here again!

Verse 2

Altogether, look around,

Feel your feet upon the ground!

So let’s put that social feed down, down, down,

Screen-free days are here again!

Bridge

Your cares and comments are gone,

There’ll be no more likes from now on,

From now on!

Chorus

Screen-free days are here again,

The filter’s gone, the view is plain!

So let us sing a song of cheer again,

Screen-free days are here again!

Outro

Happy times, happy nights,

Face-to-face is right!

Screen-free days…

Are here again!

 
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Posted by on October 6, 2025 in happy days

 

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Daleks in Toyland

Daleks in Toyland

The Daleks’ Day Out in Toyland (A Silly Adventure)

Noddy was polishing his steam-powered car, which now boasted a small, perpetually leaking tea kettle on the dashboard for emergency hot cocoa. His magnificent steam-whistle emitted a soft, contented “PWWWOOOOOT!” every time he buffed a rivet. Big Ears, ever the Gizmologist, was attempting to teach his pet clockwork mouse how to tap-dance on a tiny brass bell. Golliwog, officially an “Exemplar of Early Experimental Engineering,” was happily oiling his spring-coil hair, which shimmered with a delightful metallic bounce.

Suddenly, the sky above Clockwork City darkened, not with storm clouds, but with three colossal, heavily armoured, pepper-pot-shaped flying machines. They descended with an ominous, scraping sound, landing with heavy thuds in the town square, kicking up puffs of steam and scattering nervous automatons.

Out of each machine trundled a truly bizarre sight: a polished, bronze Dalek! Their eyestalks swiveled, their plungers twitched, and from their grating speakers came a sound that made Noddy’s wooden head throb.

“WE ARE THE DALEKS! WE SEEK TO ANNIHILATE ALL THAT IS… SILLY!” boomed the lead Dalek, its voice echoing off the clock towers.

Noddy, being Noddy, blinked. “Silly? But this is Toyland! We are all a little bit silly! It’s our primary function!”

“YOUR PRIMARY FUNCTION IS IRRELEVANT!” screeched a second Dalek, pointing its exterminator arm at a particularly fluffy teddy bear. “WE DETECT HIGH LEVELS OF UNNECESSARY WHIMSY! LOW EFFICIENCY! NO LOGICAL PURPOSE FOR BELL-RINGING OR SILLY SONGS!”

Big Ears, always the pragmatist (for a gnome-gizmologist), stepped forward. “Excuse me, bronze behemoths, but you seem to have misplaced your sense of fun. And possibly your internal navigation, because this is quite clearly not the ‘Planet of Utterly Serious Grey Things.'”

“DO NOT MOCK DALEK NAVIGATION!” the third Dalek whirred, its eyestalk flashing angrily. “OUR SENSORS DETECTED OPTIMAL TARGETING CONDITIONS FOR SILLINESS PURIFICATION! WE SHALL BEGIN BY EXTERMINATING… THE COLOR RED!”

Noddy gasped. “But my car is red! And my hat! And Golliwog’s trousers!”

“PRECIPITATE ACTION REQUIRED!” commanded the lead Dalek. “INITIATE ‘DE-SILLIFICATION PROTOCOL GAMMA-SEVEN’! ALL WHIMSY MUST BE… ERASED!”

The Daleks began trundling towards the town fountain, which was currently spouting rainbow-coloured water.

Golliwog, his spring-coil hair bouncing with a sudden surge of inspiration, whispered to Noddy and Big Ears, “Their sensors are designed for grand, terrifying things, yes? Not… not tiny silliness!”

Noddy’s oak head clicked. “Aha! We must be too silly for them to cope!”

Plan: Maximum Absurdity.

First, Big Ears pulled out his emergency “Gnome-Jammer” (which was actually just a broken kazoo). He blew into it with all his might. Instead of a jamming signal, it emitted a series of increasingly high-pitched squeaks, so utterly nonsensical that the Daleks’ eyestalks wobbled.

“ERROR! AUDIO INPUT TOO… HIGH-PITCHED! DALEK HEARING MODULES ARE DESIGNED FOR GRATING CRIES OF FEAR, NOT SQUEAKY TUNES!” blared one Dalek, momentarily forgetting about the red fountain.

Next, Golliwog sprang into action. He began to untangle his spring-coil hair at an astonishing speed, creating a chaotic, metallic, bouncy mess around his head. He then grabbed a handful of discarded gears and started juggling them, making silly faces and letting his hair bop wildly.

“ILLOGICAL VISUAL DATA! THE TARGET IS PERFORMING RANDOMIZED MANIPULATION OF GEARS WITHOUT APPARENT PURPOSE! AND ITS… ITS HEAD-SPRING-COILS ARE DEFYING DALEK LOGIC!” screeched a second Dalek, aiming its plunger arm at Golliwog, but it just sort of twitched in confusion.

Noddy, realizing this was his moment, jumped into his car. He didn’t just ring his steam whistle; he played a full-blown, cacophonous steam-whistle symphony! He then started driving in increasingly tight circles, making his little car spin like a crazed top, all while singing a song about marmalade and sausages at the top of his wooden lungs.

“STOP! CESSATION OF RANDOMIZED MANOEUVRES REQUIRED!” shouted the lead Dalek, its eyestalk swiveling so frantically it nearly popped off. “THE LEVELS OF SILLINESS ARE EXCEEDING DALEK CAPACITY FOR PROCESSING! OUR CIRCUITS ARE… OVERLOADING WITH WHIMSY!”

The Daleks started to emit small puffs of smoke from their various vents. Their plungers began to wiggle uncontrollably. One Dalek’s exterminator arm actually retracted and replaced itself with a tiny, confused rubber duck.

“RETREAT! RETREAT! TOO MUCH… INCONCEIVABLE JOY! LOGIC-CORE DEGRADING! DALEK PROTOCOL DICTATES EVASION OF EXCESSIVE HAPPINESS!”

With a series of frantic whirs and groans, the Daleks clumsily clanked back into their flying machines. With a final, desperate “EX-TER-MI-NATE… THIS! TOO! MUCH! FUN!” they ascended, leaving behind a faint smell of burnt circuits and slightly singed whimsy.

As the last Dalek ship vanished, Noddy’s car finally spun to a halt. Golliwog’s hair settled. Big Ears put away his kazoo.

“Well,” said Noddy, adjusting his propeller cap, “that was an exciting afternoon. Who knew that being utterly, ridiculously silly was our greatest defense against intergalactic tyrants?”

Big Ears nodded, polishing his clockwork spectacles. “It seems true brilliance lies not in absolute seriousness, but in the strategic deployment of sheer, unadulterated nonsense.”

Golliwog, after carefully re-coiling his hair, simply offered them both a perfectly-tied-with-string jam tart. “More tea, anyone?”

And so, Toyland returned to its normal, delightful level of regulated silliness, safe once more from the perils of being too logically efficient.

 

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The Unkempt Uncle and the Uninvited Queen

The Unkempt Uncle and the Uninvited Queen

The Unkempt Uncle and the Uninvited Queen

 

Bartholomew “Barty” Bumble, the Unkempt Uncle, wasn’t a man who sought drama. His sole motivation that particular non-Tuesday was the desperate pursuit of a vanished argyle sock. The trail—a baffling scent of lemon, static electricity, and sheer wrongness—led him through a transforming hedge maze and straight to the Hatter’s infamous table. He’d barely settled in the end seat, still clutching the lonely half of his pair, when the first round of chaos was interrupted.

The air, already thick with riddles and steam, suddenly turned sharp and metallic. A hush fell, save for the frantic sound of the March Hare attempting to hide a very large cake under a very small saucer.

A shrill voice, which could curdle milk from fifty paces, sliced through the air: “WHO HAS DARKENED MY DOMAIN WITH IMPROPER FOOTWEAR?!”

The Queen of Hearts stomped into the clearing. She hadn’t been invited, of course. She never was. The Hatter and the Hare deliberately held their party at the one spot on the lawn where the acoustics made it impossible for her to hear the clatter of teacups. But the sheer gravitational pull of their collective madness was sometimes enough to yank her in anyway. She arrived, not as a guest, but as an angry, unexpected event.

Her gaze, hot and focused, swept past the Hatter’s manic grin, dismissed Alice as merely tolerable, and landed squarely on the newly seated, thoroughly bewildered Barty. Specifically, on the lonely argyle sock clutched in his hand.

“You!” she shrieked, pointing a furious, white-gloved finger. “You are an imperfection! A missing half! An UNFINISHED THOUGHT! And you’re sitting in my sightline!”

Barty, a man accustomed to nothing more threatening than a lukewarm cup of tea, instinctively held the argyle sock out like a peace offering.

“Oh, madam,” he stammered, his spectacles slipping down his nose. “I assure you, I am merely looking for its partner. I—I didn’t mean to sit in your… sightline. Is this yours? It’s quite a distinctive pattern.”

The Queen stopped short. Her face, usually a canvas of pure rage, momentarily froze in confusion. No one ever talked back to her; they usually just started running. And no one had ever offered her a sock.

“A sock?” she bellowed, though a single, momentary twitch in her lip suggested she might have almost giggled at the sheer absurdity. “I wear slippers lined with the crushed velvet of conquered kings! Off with his head! And his sock! And the other sock, too! Though I see you don’t possess the other sock, which is itself a capital offense!”

As the royal guards hesitated, Barty quickly looked around the table, noticing the array of strange, silent attendees who had appeared in his wake.

“Ah, but Your Majesty,” Barty said, emboldened by the sheer illogical nature of his surroundings, “if you cut off my head, who will tell the Hatter the riddle answer? He’s been asking it for ages. A raven and a writing desk, you see.”

The Hatter immediately leaned in. “Do you truly know the answer?”

The Queen, momentarily distracted by the greatest mystery in Wonderland, crossed her arms. “Silence! The riddle is NOT the point! The point is the seating arrangement, which is an insult to the realm! No one sits in a chair uninvited!”

Barty peered over his shoulder. “Actually, I think the gentleman just behind me has been here for three weeks and hasn’t had a single sip of tea. If anyone’s the offense, it’s him.”

The Queen swiveled, her attention diverted to a brand new, and entirely legitimate, target of fury. She had forgotten all about the sock.

Barty winked at the Hatter, who gave him a thumbs-up. The March Hare nervously handed Barty the grandfather clock cake. The Unkempt Uncle, the only man to survive a direct, uninvited encounter with the Queen, took a bite of the cake. It tasted exactly like six o’clock. He was still confused, still sock-less, but no longer quite so uninvited. He was now, simply, a permanent part of the chaos.


 

 

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