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Category Archives: humor

I Have a Little Satnav, by Pam Ayres

I have a little Satnav; it sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver’s friend it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav; I’ve had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones, My Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
“It’s sixty miles an hour”, it says, “You’re doing sixty five”.

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it’s never ever, Safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, Just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, It specifies my gear.

I’m sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, It still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling, each journey’s pretty fraught
So why don’t I exchange it, And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, Makes sure I’m properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off

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Posted by on September 14, 2015 in funny story, humor, humour, poems

 

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Wee Willie Winkie – Take Two

Wee Willie Winkie
Runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his night gown,
Rapping at the windows,
Crying through the locks,
I’ve lost my keys, my feet are cold,
THERE ARE HOLES IN MY SOCKS!

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A Cuddly Koala

I am a koala, it said smiling at her,
A cuddly koala, you can tell by my fur,
My paws and claws give also a hint,
And the smile on my face is significant.

*
I can see by your fur, Alice answered, I do,
And also your paws and claws; it’s true,
But the look on your face has me all in a whirl,
A smiling koala is alien to this girl.

*

Still smiling at Alice, the koala replied,
You’d never believe me; you’d think I had lied,
If the smile on my face was gone; it’s the truth,
No one would believe in this koala, forsooth.

*

Without offering Alice the chance to reply,
The marsupial went on with his horrible lie,
Creeping closer and closer, until ever so near,
He pounced, lashed out, and cut her left ear.

*

Feeling the hurt and the blood running down,
Alice said, I was such a sad clown,
To have listened to you, an animal smiler,
Take that, and that, you horrible liar!

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Wonderland – gone MAD.

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I am not Roald Dahl

 

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Keep Calm – It’s A Skoda!

Keep Calm – It’s A Skoda!

Skoda at the Crazymad Writer's blog

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Posted by on July 17, 2015 in humor, humour, Keep Calm

 

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Troll Bolf is So Sick

Troll Bolf is so sick,
He might even die,
A terrible thing has happened,
And he doesn’t know why,
He caught bird flu, though he don’t even fly,
He blows his nose and wipes his eyes.

Bolf at the Crazymad Writer's blog

 
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Posted by on July 16, 2015 in humor, humour, poems

 

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I had a little sock tree

I had a little sock tree
Nothing would it bear,
But some little red socks,
And what a scruffy pair.

*

The queens of England’s son,
Came to visit me,
All because of
My little sock tree.

*

When he saw my sock tree,
And the scruffy pair.
He staggered back, aghast,
At the colour, rare.

*

He said, they are fine socks,
I must have them – I must,
How much do you want,
For the pair, he asked.

*

I told him that my socks,
Are not for sale – are not,
He replied, I must have them,
I’ll pay a pretty bob.

*

How much will you pay?
I asked, intrigued, a bit,
He said, I’ll pay ten thousand pounds,
Here they are, I said.

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Posted by on June 15, 2015 in humor, humour, poems, rhyme

 

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A Life in the Poo

Good times are coming, I know they are near,
The best times, for sure, in a number of years;
I’m counting each day on my fingers and thumbs,
Until the recession has passed and the bad times have gone.

Then, when the money is flowing again,
I will thank those people, both women and men,
Who stood up to the bankers and politicians; it’s true,
That saved us, how they saved us, from a life in the poo.

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Roald Dahl

 
 

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Be Careful What You Wish For

Arnie the apple hung from a tree
in an orchard a mile wide.
And every day the pickers would come
and haul dozens of apples inside.

They’d pick the prettiest of the bunch,
filling their baskets and pails.
But they always passed by Arnie,
ignoring his whines and wails.

“Please pick me!”, Arnie would cry
each time the pickers sauntered by.
“I want to go inside with you!”,
cried Arnie till he turned bright blue.

But the pickers ignored him day after day,
while Arnie hung there in dismay,
trying to nurse his shattered pride,
dying to be picked to be taken inside.

Each new dawn he’d do a trick
like spinning around on his twig.
But the picky pickers never stopped
for apples that weren’t big

or juicy or red or bright or sweet.
Poor Arnie was none of these things.
He wasn’t completely quite full grown
and he had some nicks and dings.

He dreamed what it was like inside;
lights and music all around.
Arnie just wanted to go there so badly
he flung himself to the ground.

The next day the pickers came along
and saw him lying there.
They took him inside and Arnie thought,
“This is it! I’m finally there!”

But when Arnie the Apple looked around
he realized his dreams were false,
’cause in less than 15 minutes
he was Arnie Applesauce.

(C) 1998, Arden Davidson

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Mind my Unguarded Brain

Johnny was a barber; he loved his job, he did,
Cutting people’s hair and mowing other wigs.
Until one day he reeled back, shocked by what he saw,
A hole in the head of a customer, a man so old and poor,
Why don’t you go to the doctor? he asked the man out loud,
To get it fixed, filled in quick, that’s what I’d do, he cried,
No, I can’t do that, the old man then answered him,
I’ve had it there for forty years; it’s a part of me, he grinned,
I would miss that hole in my head; he went on to explain,
Please trim my hair but mind my unguarded brain.

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I am not Roald Dahl

It’s the way I tell ’em, so it is!

 

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He Thought He Saw…

Fat cat at the Crazymad Writer's blog

He thought he saw a politician,
Who lived the perfect life,
He looked again, and saw it was,
A huge, humongous lie .
That’s it, he said, I realise,
The foolishness of life.

It’s a mess

He thought he saw an honest man,
Within the parliament,
He looked again, and saw it was,
Another bloated blimp.
Unless they leave this house,” he said,
There’ll be no hope, I think.”

It’s a real mess!

He thought he saw a banker man,
Who made an honest buck,
He looked again, and saw he was,
Entwined in all the muck.
If I were king, he said,
His head would be on the block.

It’s a terrible mess!

He thought he saw a banker’s clerk,
A man of honest youth,
He looked again, and saw he was,
A succubus forsooth.
If he should stay, he said, for sure,
My savings I will lose.

Crikey, what a mess!

He thought he saw a kangaroo,
Hopping down his street one day,
He looked again, and saw it was,
A banker’s ill gained pay.
Were I to accept this, he said,
It would be a dark, dark day.

Mess, mess, mess!

He though he saw limousine,
With groom and bride, so sweet,
He looked again, and saw it was,
The country on its knees.
We’re lost, he said, the country’s bust,
Kaput, no more, deceased.

Fix the mess!

He though he saw a shaft of light,
That shone through all this gloom,
He looked again, and saw it was,
The cold, reflected moon.
If I were young, he said aloud,
I’d make them swing – and soon!

Get those who are responsible for the mess!

He though he saw a chink of light,
A way from all this mess,
He looked again, and saw it was,
Their New World Order – yes!
Their ways are bad, corrupt, he said
For them, not us, excess.

And when we get them, what are we going to do with them?

He thought he saw the final words,
Inscribed upon a sheet,
He looked again, and saw it was,
Them sweating from the heat.
They thought us fools, he sorely said,
Come on, we have lives to live!

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Posted by on April 22, 2015 in humor, humour, Ireland, politics

 

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