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Category Archives: Stories for children

Legs Through the Ceiling

Legs Through The Ceiling

Many years have passed since the big freeze of 1963. It seems a lifetime away; another place, another world. A world so different from one we enjoy nowadays, and take so much for granted. Life is now far easier than it was during the nineteen-sixties.

They called it the swinging sixties; I have no idea how that term came about, and why they came to that conclusion. Despite the many changes that were happening in the world, most people lived the same, miserably boring lives they had up until then experienced.

Despite their boring existence, people truly believed the nineteen sixties was a period of great change; a period like none other before it. That, however, was a fundamental mistake.  There were no computers, then, no internet or satellite TV to inform and entertain. There was TV; grainy, black and white pictures on pitifully small screens. Yes, there were newspapers, but they were just that, newspapers featuring yesterday’s news. It was a dark time, made even darker in so far as people were oblivious to the deficiencies in their lives. Because people believed – really believed – they were living in a time of social and material advancement, a Utopia of sorts, it was impossible for them to counter the fact that they might be wrong.

Now, more than forty years later, I ask you, did anything worthwhile come out of the nineteen sixties? No, I don’t mean mini cars or music or any such other nonsensical items, I mean SOMETHING REALLY WORTHWHILE!

“That got you, didn’t it? There wasn’t anything, was there? All the major, useful, worthwhile changes in our lives have come during the last few years, many years after that supposedly enlightened time.

The nineteen sixties was a superficial, drug-induced time of delusion, not a time of meaningful change. One has only to scratch beneath the surface, to see the same hypocritical, racist, discriminatory and, above all, BORING life that it was.  The minds of the people in power, the people who really mattered, who could have brought about the change that everyone thought was upon them, were closed, blinkered to the possibilities this time offered. Closed minds closed hearts. Despite it being proclaimed – and so loudly – a time of love, it was a time devoid of love. It was a time of hate, a time of war (cold or otherwise), a time when standing up for what you believed in was not an option – unless you wanted to face the unpleasant consequences for your actions.

I can hear you all saying, ‘Oh, but people did stand up to be counted, then, to try and change things.’ But if you think about it, if you really think about it, you will see, realise it was the herd mentality that was driving them on. They only spoke up when surrounded by likeminded people.  Unlike Gandhi, they fell silent whenever they were alone. It was, as I have already told you, a time of delusion, the nineteen sixties…

This brings me neatly on to my story:

Because of the severity of the prolonged cold spell the country had endured, the water pipes in our attic froze solid, so also did the water tank. Determined to sort it out, to rectify the situation, dad borrowed a blowlamp from his brother-in-law, Eric. “I’ll defrost those frozen pipes, so I will!” he told us. Making his way up the stepladder, dad set foot in the attic, hell-bent on warning things up…

In those days, houses had little or no insulation to keep out the cold. No, when winter arrived IT WAS COLD, AND THAT WAS THAT. I can still remember lying in my bed, at night, listening to the panes of glass in our steel framed windows, crack, crack, cracking, because of the frost. God, it was cold!

“Are you alright, dear?” mum said, calling to dad in the attic.

No answer.

“Jim!” she called out again. “I said, are you alright?”

“Hello?” dad answered, in the strange, peculiar way he oftentimes preferred.

“I said, are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine,” he told her. “It’s a bit dark up here, though…”

“Have you got the torch?”

“No, I forgot it.”

“Shall I pass it up to you?”

No; I’ll come down and get it,” he gruffly replied.

Mum said nothing.

CRUMP.

“What was that?” mum asked.

No reply.

“Dad, are you alright?”

Incoherent mumbles from above.

“Da…”

Cutting mum off mum, dad began shouting and swearing. “You MADE me do that, so you did!” he growled.

“What did I make you do?” mum replied.

Dad did not answer her.

A few minutes later dad began to move about in the attic once again. Then we heard a louder thud than before, followed by more angry mutterings and cussing from above.

Making our way upstairs, onto the landing, my brother and I whispered to mum, “Did he bang his head?” we asked.

“Shush, he might hear you,” she warned, as she gazed uncertainly into the inky darkness above her.

A blast of icy cold air suddenly shot down from the attic. “Dad, where are you?” she said worriedly.

No answer.

“You boys go play in your room,” she said to us.

“But it’s cold in there,” we answered.

“Go to your room!” she ordered. “I won’t take no for an answer!”

We did. We did as mum told us, we went to our room. We never played, though. With dad lost somewhere above us, play was far from our minds. Suddenly, we heard a crash and a smash. “MUM!” we shrieked.

“What is it?” she asked. “Don’t you know I am busy helping your dad?”

“MUM, THERE ARE LEGS IN HERE!”

“Legs?”

“DAD’S LEGS ARE DANGLING THROUGH A HOLE IN THE CEILING!” we frantically told her.

CONTD

**********

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Posted by on October 14, 2013 in Stories for children

 

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Aliens Landed in Ballykilduff

Another great eBook

by The Crazymad Writer

Aliens landed in Ballykilduff,

Aliens landed; that is a fact,

In the dark of the night it happened, it did,

At the end of my garden they landed, then hid.

Chapter One

 

I was lying in bed, sleeping soundly one night, when something, a noise outside my bedroom widow woke me with a start. Sitting up in bed, I said, “What on earth was that?” However, despite listening intently I heard nothing else. Lying down again, I pulled the bed clothes tightly around me. “Brrr,” I said, shivering from the cold, “it feels more like winter than summer.” Pulling the bed clothes higher around me, I said, “This global warming thing, they keep telling us about, sure is cold.” With those words on my lips I fell fast asleep.

A few minutes the same noise woke me again. Rubbing my sleepy eyes, I said, “What on earth can it be?” Sitting up, I yawned, trying to figure it out. Scratching my head, I leaned over to the clock. Grabbing hold of it, I gazed it the dial. “It’s a quarter to four!” I grizzled. Scratching my head some more, I said, “Whoever is making that noise could have picked a better time in which to do it.”

Then I heard it again; the same noise, followed by the sound of banging and hammering. “Surely the neighbours aren’t fixing their car at this ungodly hour!” I groaned. “It has been giving them some trouble of late, but fixing it now, at a quarter to four in the morning, is going too far, so it is!”

The banging and hammering noises grew steadily louder. “It can’t be them, can it?” I growled. Getting out of bed, I shuffled across to the window. Pulling the curtains apart, I gazed outside, to their back garden. It was shrouded in darkness. “Well, it certainly ain’t them,” I said thankfully, “unless they can see in the dark.” Abandoning the curtain, I returned to bed.

I had only just laid my head on the pillow when the banging and hammering started again. Jumping out of bed, I groaned, “Will someone please tell me what is going on around here?”

Awakening from her slumbers, my wife, Breda, said, “What are you doing, Gerrard, standing at the end of the bed, ranting like a mad man?”

“I am sorry,” I answered. “I didn’t mean to awaken you.”

“Well, you did a good job of doing it,” she sarcastically replied. “What has you so worked up, anyhow?” she asked.

“It’s that noise,” I told her.

“Noise – what noise?”

“It was there a minute ago – honest it was.”

“Well, it’s not now!” she snapped. “Come to bed. You were probably having a dream.”

“More like a nightmare,” I grumbled. Approaching the widow, I pulled back the curtain, hoping to see the perpetrator going about his foul business. However, our garden, like our neighbour’s was shrouded in darkness.

“Forget about it,” Breda said to me. “On the morrow, we will go outside and see if anything is amiss. Meanwhile, get into bed lest you catch your death of cold!”

“Global warning, they keep telling us,” I said, grumbling about the weather.

“I’ll ‘global warming’ you if you don’t hush up and let me sleep!” she answered.

Suddenly, as I was letting go of the curtain an extraordinary bright flash outside secured my undivided attention.

CONTD

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**********

 
 

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Wikipedia Doesn’t Know Me

Wikipedia Doesn’t Know Me

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Mad Eye Moody, can it really be,

That splendid interpretation, a hero so free?

Who gave up his all for the cry of the truth?

So we could know that good is forsooth.

 

Yes, they can all Twitter, be it here, be it there,

About American Idol and Celebrities fair,

But can they replace the genius, so fine,

Like Rowling and Dahl – or Wilson’s strange mind?

 

When next you are shopping in Wal-Mart, I think,

If its bargains you’re after then remember the ink,

On the paper, in the book section, where I’m waiting for sure,

To temp you with my writing so as to open that door.

 

And when it is open my world of strange stuff,

Will entrance and beguile you; the air will be hushed,

As you read about Alice, the Cat and the Mouse,

Harry Rotter and Jimmy – and Beetle About.

 

Forget about Powerball, cars and the news,

Never mind Danny Choo – who is he? I muse

Wikipedia doesn’t know me but, heck, do I care?

When I’ve got so many readers in the real world out there.

**********

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Posted by on October 14, 2013 in Stories for children

 

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The Fertilizer Mine

The Fertilizer Mine

(From the story Alice in Wonderland on Top of the World)

Fertilizer is a thing we don’t always sees,

Though it’s used quite a lot, know yous this if yous please.

It’s a spread on the ground, all around and around,

The plants that are a needing it, by the once and the pound.

Oh, I’s loves my business when I’m mining the stuff,

I’s carts it around and then I’s bags it right up.

I’s stores it away until it’s needed, for sure,

T’bring on the plants in a glorious rapport.

I’m the luckiest, here, elf in charge of this mine,

This wonderful place, the luckiest of finds.

I’s thank my stars that I’s can be of some help,

T’bring on the plants into a wonderful health.

T’end this here ditty, hear you this boys and girls,

If yous ever come t’visit the top of the world,

Yous’ll get a right welcome and a tour of this mine,

Then return home again in a new frame of mind.

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Stories for children and young at heart adults

by The Crazymad Writer – ARRRGH!

 

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Time Does Not Exist

Time Does Not Exist

Time does not exist…

Ah, but here’s the twist,

It’s always NOW.

 No before or then,

No happy ever after,

For mice and men.

It’s NOW,

It has always been NOW,

Before and after,

Is just a silly dream.

*****

Stories for children and young at heart adults

by The Crazymad Writer – ARRRGH!

 
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Posted by on October 13, 2013 in Stories for children

 

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Paint The Roses, Quickly, Quickly!

Paint The Roses, Quickly, Quickly!

Hurry – hurry!

The Queen is coming!

Paint the roses, quickly, quickly.

Hurry – HURRY!

I hear her creeping,

As ever faster my heart is beating!

Sorry – sorry!

We’ve failed our duty,

The Queen has seen us, sadly, badly!

Hurry – HURRY!

We must scamper,

Lest our heads with them she tampers!

HURRY – OH HURRY!

(There is no hurry),

Our heads were targeted; we’re lost; they’ve parted.

All is calm.

 

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Conkers Bonkers

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Conkers is a pastime,

That we remember every year,

When September comes we search about,

To find these gems, so rare.

And when we’ve collected bagfuls,

Enough for you and me,

We rush them home to sort and grade,

Into classes one to three.

The first we use immediately,

To try our luck at play,

The second, we treat, cure and bake,

Into champions, I do say.

The third we leave for a whole year long,

Lodged in the chimney flue,

Until their day of glory comes,

I’ll make do with grades one and two.

 

 
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Posted by on October 13, 2013 in Stories for children

 

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Giggle My Boots

Giggle My Boots

Giggle my boots, gaggle my hat,

Goggle my shirtsleeves and fraggle that cat.

I am friggled with laughter, for I know that it’s true,

That you really do love me and not Johnny Lazoo.

You see, Johnny Lazoo, a man of some strength,

Wanted to court you, wanted to bend,

Your ear with his stories, your eye with his looks,

But you never gave him as much as one look.

The day that you said, Yes, I’ll marry you, I will,

Was the happiest day of my life; it was brill,

To think that you chose me over Johnny Lazoo,

Makes me friggle with laughter knowing it’s true.

Before I head off with my bride and my life,

I will give you this piece of excellent advice.

If you are planning to woo your beau, here’s the rub,

Friggle her with laughter and griggle her with love.

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Posted by on October 13, 2013 in Stories for children

 

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Aside

Concorde

Lead a Good Life

Lead a good life; full to the brim.

Enjoy each day as if it’s the last one you win,

Show by example how much you can do,

Whilst here on this plane, this earthly pursuit,

And when you’re in bed, deathly, so grim,

You will gaze up from it with a wink and a grin,

Saying, I lived a good life; full to the brim,

Leading by example, never lecturing about sin,

When you close my eyes for the last time on earth,

Angels will surround you, guiding you forth,

Through the pearliest of gates they will lead the way home,

To God’s heavenly love, sitting adjacent his throne.

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Lead a Good Life

 

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A new Alice in Wonderland story

Alice in Wonderland on Top of the World

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First, she discovered Wonderland…

Then, she slipped through that fascinating Looking Glass..

Now, she’s on Top of the World.

THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF A GIRL NAMED ALICE

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Chapter One

Into The Abyss

 

It was many years later when Alice had her next adventure, and whilst she was quite surprised to be having one at all, after the passing of so many years, she was even more surprised to see that she was a child again, no older than when she had first entered Wonderland and slipped through that fascinating Looking Glass.

“How curious,” she whispered, trying to recall the child she had once been.

“You took your time getting here,” said the White Rabbit who suddenly appeared in front of her.

“I beg your pardon?” Alice replied, remembering how rude he could be, if he felt so inclined.

 “I said you took your time getting here. You should have been here fourteen years ago,” the Rabbit huffed indignantly as he began hopping quickly away from Alice.

“But,” Alice spluttered, running after him, “I have no idea how I arrived, let alone why I am so late!”

“We accept no ifs or buts, here – you should know that by now,” said the Rabbit, as he opened a door which had appeared as suddenly as he. Stepping through, he said, “Hurry up, please don’t dawdle.”

As she followed him through the doorway, trying her to keep up with the fast-hopping Rabbit, Alice surmised that he must have got out his bed on the wrong side, this morning, to be so grumpy on so wonderful a day. And it really was a wonderful day, with a warm sun shining brightly upon them.

‘I wonder where I might possibly be?’ thought Alice, as she admired the pink forget-me-nots skirting a winding path before her.   “Am I in Wonderland?” she asked, just as another door, the same as the first one, appeared.

Giving Alice a most peculiar look, the Rabbit said, “Of course we are not in Wonderland.”  Opening the door, he told her, “We are on the top of the world.” Having said that, he scurried off, hopping down another winding path, also bordered by pink forget-me-nots.

“The top of the world?” Alice cried out, quite in surprise. “Why, that’s impossible!”

The Rabbit stopped hopping. Turning around, facing Alice, he said, “Then how can you be here, if it’s impossible?”

Flummoxed by the Rabbit’s question, Alice found herself struggling to find a reply. The only thing she was able to come up with was, “I bet you are mad!”

“That all depends,” the Rabbit replied quite matter-of-factly.

“It all depends on what?”

“On whether you mean mad or mad.”

“That’s silly,” said Alice. “They both mean the very same thing.”

“If you were mad number one,” said the White Rabbit, with full conviction of the soundness of his case, “and someone happened to tell you that you were mad number two, you might be very mad indeed, at so fundamental a mistake.”

“But I’m not mad!” Alice insisted, becoming ever more frustrated at so silly a conversation.

“How do you know that you aren’t mad,” asked the Rabbit, who appeared to be enjoying flummoxing Alice, so “when you can’t tell the difference between mad number one and mad number two, I might ask?”

“I just know that I’m not mad!” Alice insisted, stamping her foot, displaying her annoyance at what she considered was questionable logic. Changing the subject, from her possible madness or claimed sanity, Alice informed the Rabbit that another door had appeared and was awaiting his attention.

Turning round, the White Rabbit took hold of the handle and tried to open the door, but it remained stubbornly shut.

“Might I try?” Alice asked, feeling very un-mad. Standing away from the door, the White Rabbit said nothing, but his pink, beady eyes watched her intently.

The door opened easily for Alice. Feeling vindicated, she said, “Could a mad person have done that?” Without waiting for a reply, she stepped through the doorway and fell into a gaping hole on the far side.

“No, they mightn’t,” said the Rabbit, laughing as she disappeared into the hole. “But would they have fallen down there?” Laughing again, he hopped through doorway and into the hole, following Alice…

After a long fall in near to total darkness, a fall that reminded Alice of the time she had fallen down the rabbit hole, into Wonderland, the speed of her descent began to slow. In fact it slowed so much it stopped altogether, and she began rising again. “I don’t want to return up there, even if it is to the top of the world,” she insisted. Staring at the speck of light high above her, she said, “It’s far too far!”

Hearing something passing her by (she had no idea what it could be, for it was far too dark to see properly), Alice jumped onto its back. Holding on tightly, she rode out from the well.

Alice was surprised to see that she was riding a baby hippopotamus, whose skin was as smooth as silk. She wondered how she had been able to stay upon it for second let alone long enough to escape from the dark, dreary place. Alice had so sooner begun thinking about this, when she felt herself slipping, sliding off the baby hippopotamus. Landing with a bump on the hard, dusty ground, she moaned, “I don’t like this place I don’t like it at all.” 

 “You don’t like it!” said the baby hippopotamus, in a surprisingly high-pitched voice for such an extreme animal. “How do you think I feel? There’s not a drop of water to be seen – anywhere. And we hippos need so much of it!”

Brushing her dress, removing the dust from it, Alice said, “Mr Hippopotamus, I would like to thank you for the ride from out of that cave, or whatever it happens to be. Moreover, it was the most comfortable hippopotamus ride I have ever had (Alice omitted to tell the hippopotamus that it was the only one she had had), thank you, again.”

“My dear child,” it answered, “you are so light I hardly noticed you there. Any time you feel the need to take a ride from out of that dark space, please feel free to jump on my back as I pass you by.”

“Thank you, thank you so much,” she told him. “I shall keep your invitation in my invitation book, and if I don’t find a need for it, I will treasure it always.”

After that the hippopotamus returned to the darkness, searching for some water. However, before he had a chance to begin, Alice heard another soft landing (though it has to be said that it was not as soft as hers). Before she could say Jack Robinson, the White Rabbit appeared, sitting back to front on the baby hippo’s back, riding out, into the bright light.

After the White Rabbit had thanked the baby hippopotamus for the ride (Alice felt he was nowhere near as grateful as she had been), he scolded Alice for having fallen down the hole, before him. He said, “If there is to be any hole-falling done around here, we must first have a vote, to decide who shall be first and who second. Is that clear?”

Although Alice nodded in agreement, she harboured a suspicion that he was quite possibly mad number one, and if not that he was most certainly mad number two.

Another winding path suddenly appeared before them, but this one, although also bordered by flowers, was in no way as inviting as the previous ones. You see, instead of pink forget-me-nots, giant aspidistras sporting green, snapping beaks awaited them.

“Come on, Alice, we have to find our way up, to the very top of the world” said the Rabbit as he hurried past the plants with their snap, snapping beaks.

Alice gasped as the first plant, snapping hungrily at his thick fur, tore a large wad from his back. “Come on, we must return to the top of the world,” he ordered, seemingly oblivious to the dangers posed by the snapping beaks. Having no intention of admitting that she was afraid of some silly old flowers that the Rabbit considered quite harmless, and having even less intention of asking him for his help, Alice got ready to pass down the dangerous path.

By now the White Rabbit was so far ahead of her, Alice doubted she might ever catch up with him. Closing her eyes, taking a first tentative step, she began her way down the aspidistra-bordered path, hoping, just hoping to catch up with the fast hopping Rabbit.

Alice hadn’t finished taking her first step, when one of the snapping beaks tried to remove a piece from her left ear. A second beak, sensing an easy target, pulled violently at her hair, while a third green beak tried to bite off her nose.

“Stop that!” Alice told the bad-mannered plants. “Stop that this instant or I shall be forced to dig you all up, and replant you with rhubarb,” she warned.

Like a switch had been turned, the beaks stopped attacking. Inspecting her head, Alice made sure that it was intact. After she was satisfied that everything was as it had previously been, she said, “Thank you. I can’t ever imagine what has got into you, to behave so rudely. Don’t you know that plants are supposed to be nice, not terrible, awful things?”

As she studied the giant plants, with their green beaklike mouths close in front of her, Alice thought she heard a cry, so she asked, “Who is crying?”

Despite listening intently, Alice heard no reply, as all the while the cry from somewhere deep within the group of plants continued. Then they began swaying, their beak mouths on stalks high above them, also swaying.

“Stop it, stop it,” Alice ordered. “Tell me which of you is crying?”

Although it was still swaying, one of the plants began speaking, it said, “She is crying, the little offshoot, close to my wife – see.” One of its long strappy leaves pointed across to the right.

“Your wife?” Alice asked, in surprise that a plant might actually be married.

“Yes,” the aspidistra replied, swaying some more. “Can you see them?”

“I might, if you stopped swaying,” she said. “I am beginning to feel quite sick from it all.”

“I can’t,” the plant told her. “None of us can. When we are upset, we sway. That’s why we sway so much in the wind, because we don’t like it, because it upsets us so.”

“Oh, I am so sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help?”

“You can promise that you won’t dig us up…” a baby voice sobbed.

“Of course I won’t dig you up,” Alice promised. “I only said that because of the terrible way you were treating me.”

The plants stopped swaying, allowing Alice to see the child aspidistra tucked lovingly under its mother’s green leaves. Showing no fear for her safety, disappearing beneath the huge plants (she now trusted them unquestionably), Alice approached the baby plant and its doting mother.

“I am sorry,” she said, “if I upset you. Will you please forgive me?”

“Yes, I will,” said the baby plant, trying to hold back sob. “And we are sorry, so sorry that we frightened you. We are like this because we are so hungry… we are usually happy, with smiling beaks to welcome the weary traveller.”

Confused, Alice asked, “Hungry? How can you be hungry when your roots can find all the food that you need?”

“Fertilizer, all plants need fertilizer at some time in their lives,” the baby aspidistra explained. “None of us have had any fertilizer for ages. I have never had any – ever! I don’t even know what it looks like!”

“This is a most terrible state of affairs,” said Alice, scratching her head, trying to work out what could be done to remedy the unfortunate situation. Raising a finger, she asked, “Can I go fetch you some?”

If their beaks had been able to smile, every last beak skirting that path would have been smiling radiantly at Alice. They became so excited at the prospect of getting some fertilizer they began talking furiously amongst themselves. In fact, the plants’ conversation became so loud, so noisy Alice could hardly hear herself think. In the end she had to ask them to stop. “Stop, stop talking, please,” she said, “my ears are hurting from it all.”

It stopped; the excited talking stopped, except for one of the plants, the mother aspidistra, who said, “Do you know where you can find us some fertilizer?”

“I, I don’t know,” Alice replied uncertainly.

Smiling, Alice was sure she saw the beak smiling, when it said, “Go to the fertilizer mine, there you will find all the fertilizer we need.”

“Where is it, the mine?” Alice asked.

“I am sorry, I don’t know, none of us know where it is located,” the mother aspidistra confessed. “But we do know that it most surely exists.”

Seeing how sad the mother plant had become, Alice said, “I will find you some fertilizer, I will find enough fertilizer to feed you all – I promise.”
CONTD

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