Q. How do you sharpen a pencil with a cat?
A. Insert the pencil and then turn the cat.
Tag Archives: cat
A Castleknock Fact
I’m Henry the cat,
A Castleknock fact,
The cat that’s really a rat,
Spending my days lazing away,
And killing for sport ‘till I’m jacked,
If you think I’m not nice,
That is not my concern.
But remember you this if you please,
I am Castleknock Henry,
Henry the cat, enjoying myself ‘till I die.
I am Castleknock Brutus
I am Castleknock Brutus, a dog, you know,
I am Castleknock Brutus, now where did he go,
That pipsqueak, that thing that calls itself cat,
Where is he at; I want Henry the cat!
I want to kill him, Brutus growled, then eat him up,
That thing, that Henry, that calls itself cat,
When I get hold of him, I will never let go,
Until he is finished and lost his cat soul.
I am here, dog Brutus, I am here before you,
Said the cat called Henry, do you think it not true?
I am not sacred of you, you silly old moo,
You won’t get me, I am going to get you!
Ha ha, barked Brutus, ha ha, he barked,
What a twat you are and not very smart,
To think you are able to do such a thing,
I am laughing so much I am almost choking.
Just then, cat Henry leapt high in the air,
And landed on Brutus who got quite a scare,
Biting hard on his neck he went for broke,
And severed the jugular; Brutus never awoke.
The moral of this, my tale of intrigue,
Is never believe the lies you preach,
Others can, despite what you think,
Finish you off before you can blink.
Henry Fell Down a Hole
There once was a cat called Henry,
Who was incredibly naughty,
He thought he was smart,
Going out in the dark,
Until he fell down in a hole, did Henry.
*
While stuck in that dark place,
Henry thought about his life, his fate,
About the jerk he had been,
To all he had seen,
So he promised to be good, did Henry.
*
Suddenly, a stick falling into that hole,
Presented a way to escape from it all,
Freed from that space,
He forgot his promise, though great.
And returned to his bad ways, did Henry.
*
Next day while Henry was alone,
He set off away from his home,
It was an incredibly hot day,
The sun shone brightly away,
He got sunstroke then died, did Henry.
*
The moral of my story is this,
Treat everyone you meet with a wish,
That their times are just fine,
Untroubled by lives of the nine,
Don’t end up like silly old Henry.
Castleknock Cat
I am a Cat, it said smiling at her,
Caslteknock Cat, you can tell by my fur,
My paws and whiskers give also a hint,
While the smile on my face is most significant.
*
I can see by your fur, said Maria – I do,
And also your paws and whiskers – it’s true,
But that smile on your face has me all in a tizz,
Coming and going in such a whiz.
*
Still smiling at her, the Cat dryly replied,
You’d never believe me; you’d think I had lied,
If the smile on my face was gone – it’s a fact,
No one would listen or look at this Cat.
*
Without offering Maria the chance to reply,
The Cat went on with his horrible lie,
Creeping closer and closer, until ever so near,
He pounced, lashed out and cut her left ear.
*
Feeling the hurt and the blood running down,
Maria groaned, I was such a clown,
To have ever believed a Cat with a grin,
Take that, and that, you horrible thing!
Castleknock Henry in Ballykilduff
Henry landed in Ballykilduff,
Castleknock Henry; that is a fact,
In the dark of the night it happened, it did,
At the end of my garden he landed, then hid.
Breda, dear wife, wake up will you please?
Something has landed and I am all in a tizz!
Leave me alone, she answered, I’m beat,
With those words on her lips she fell fast asleep.
Donning my gown and slippers I left,
Her sleeping soundly and into the kitchen I crept,
Taking hold of light; the torch, my best friend,
Into the garden I stealthily went.
Along the path, man and light progressed,
Then climbed the fence, into the field with its guests,
Pointing my torch a thing before me,
I saw a cat, a big one, trying to flee.
What is it doing? I said a bit loud,
Signalling my place, my location – and how,
Pointing his claws, the cat cast me a stare,
As it scrambled towards me like a wild bear.
Thinking my time was finished, all gone,
I fell to the ground, awaiting the anon,
Sorry about that, the cat cheerily said,
I thought you were a dog wanting me dead.
What are you doing? I asked, with curious eyes,
As he cut grass and then took it aside,
I use for food, he told me quite proud,
It’s better by far than mice, fish and birds
I last all night with an armful, he stated aloud.
That’s amazing, I said, can I try a bit too?
Sorry, he answered, it’s not good for you,
Laughing, I asked if there was anything he needs,
Yes, he told me, I would love a pot of tea.
Tea? I gawped, you drink tea way out here,
In a field, on your own, that’s might quare!
No, silly, he replied, it’s to pour down my boots,
I don’t travel on empty, that’s the truth, forsooth.
You pour tea down your boots? I incredulously grinned,
What does it do, make run like the wind?
It does, he replied, how do you know that?
Was your father a tea drinker, or even your cat?
Just then I heard something, someone calling to me,
Gerrard, wake up, its morning; here is your tea,
Waking up in my bed, I saw Breda my wife,
Offering the cup of plenty, tea, the inbibe.
Where are my boots? I asked, still half sleep,
I want them, I need them; oh where are they please?
They are under the bed, here, she said, offering them to me,
Why do you want them before drinking your tea?
Accepting my boots, I poured in the tea,
What on earth are you doing? she asked warily,
I don’t go anywhere, I told her, without filling them first,
Can I have another cup, I asked, because I sure have a thirst.
Castleknock Henry went for a pee
Castleknock Henry went for a pee,
On a fine morning in May,
When he had finished,
He grinned and then grimaced,
At having chosen a rose bush that day.
Cool is my game
I am Henry, a cat, and cool is my game,
Strutting through Castleknock, looking for dames,
Sweet chicks to fondle pamper and delight,
Meowing them sweetly while giving the eye,
It’s a cat thing I do, please try to understand,
It’s why I am here in this fair and green land,
Creating my offspring, far too many to count,
I have to dash off now; I see a cat I can mount.
Castleknock Henry
Castleknock Henry is a fine cat,
Enjoying his food while getting quite fat,
Off to the garden he sets off in hast,
To find a nice spot to dispose of his waste,
Around and around the garden he goes,
But all that he finds is cobblelock woes,
Oh, why is there nowhere to shit?
He hisses and spits, feeling quite sick,
This garden is not cat-friendly at all,
He snaps as he finally drops his big haul,
What have you done to my garden so grand?
Says Maria, his owner, this is not part of my plan,
A garden that needs no work to put in,
Take that and that you horrible thing!
I am Not Roald Dahl
I Am NOT Roald Dahl,
I am NOT, no, no!
I am NOT Roald Dahl,
Please let it GO!
I am something quite different,
From that man, it’s a fact,
I am my very own self,
Now where is my cat?
The Crazymad Writer Writes Again 