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Category Archives: humour

Sugar; one lump or two?

12 May

Sugar; one lump or two?

I am a poor mouse, it said sadly to her,
A very poor mouse, you can tell by my fur,
So ragged and reek, split ends I am sure,
I am a poor mouse – will you confer?
.
Yes, you are a poor mouse, Alice dryly replied,
An abysmally poor one – can I take you aside?
For the Hatter, so mad, is searching for you,
To stuff into his pot with its heavenly brew.
.
Oh I am lost, the mouse cried out in shock,
The Hatter, so mad, wants me inside his pot,
And the Rabbit, so white, with his blackest of souls,
Will keep you in there ‘til you’ve expired – so I’m told.
.
What can I do – oh, Alice, please help,
Save my life, my moth eaten old pelt.
I cannot save you, for the Hatter and Rabbit are here,
And I am so thirsty – where’s your pot my old dears?
.
The pot it is here, the Hatter and Rabbit replied,
Quick, squeeze him inside, that’s where he’ll reside,
Amidst the tea leaves, mixed up with the brew,
The Mouse will make history. Sugar; one lump or two?

*

 

 
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Posted by on May 12, 2014 in Alice in Wonderland, humor, humour, poems

 

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The day the weather went mad

12 May

The day the weather went mad

Was a day I thought I had been had,

By a weather extreme; quite obscene,

The day the weather went mad.

*****************

 
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Posted by on May 12, 2014 in humor, humour, poems

 

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Cracked

02 May

Cracked

Some people might think that I am so cracked,
Two sheets to the wind, and that is a fact.
But I say it is they who are lacking of sorts,
Afraid to speak up, to convey their true thoughts.
*
To speak and to mean just what we might say,
Is honesty so lacking in the world of today.
If people joined in with this wonderful cause,
They would value and welcome and give it applause.
*
But people are strange; so nice to the face,
Then turning their back they fall down in disgrace,
Lying and cheating with no thought of the pain,
That neglecting truth causes, and who is to blame.
*
They just follow the herd, they follow the crowd,
Ticking off those who stand alone from the crowd,
Laughing at those two sheets in the wind,
Oblivious to the fact that they are happier than them.
*
If more people were ‘two sheets to the wind’,
More would be happier and less would have sinned.

***********

*****

 
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Posted by on May 2, 2014 in humor, humour, poems

 

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Where is the Map?

02 May

Where is the Map?

My bones are cold,
I found it hard to sleep last night,
My bones are old,
I’ll need more rest tonight.
*
If the weather turned warmer, and very soon,
I might just make it through till June,
I feel as though my end is neigh,
If it rains any more I will certainly cry.
*
Oh, where is the sun, has it forever gone?
Oh, where is the sun, is it on the run?
From me and you and them as well?
Are we just living in our own hell?
*
I need the light I crave the sun,
There must be more to life than run, run, run,
Trying to escape the hell of the poverty trap,
There must be more! Oh where is the map?

I must find the map!

******

 
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Posted by on May 2, 2014 in humor, humour, poems

 

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The Fly

02 May

God in his wisdom made the fly

Then He forgot to tell us why.

By Ogden Nash

**************

 
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Posted by on May 2, 2014 in humor, humour, poems

 

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I have the common cold, so I have been told

02 May

Go hang yourself, you old M.D.!
You shall not sneer at me.
Pick up your hat and stethoscope,
Go wash your mouth with laundry soap;
I contemplate a joy exquisite
I’m not paying you for your visit.
I did not call you to be told
My malady is a common cold.
*
By pounding brow and swollen lip;
By fever’s hot and scaly grip;
By those two red redundant eyes
That weep like woeful April skies;
By racking snuffle, snort, and sniff;
By handkerchief after handkerchief;
This cold you wave away as naught
Is the damnedest cold man ever caught!
*
Give ear, you scientific fossil!
Here is the genuine Cold Colossal;
The Cold of which researchers dream,
The Perfect Cold, the Cold Supreme.
This honored system humbly holds
The Super-cold to end all colds;
The Cold Crusading for Democracy;
The Führer of the Streptococcracy.
*
Bacilli swarm within my portals
Such as were ne’er conceived by mortals,
But bred by scientists wise and hoary
In some Olympic laboratory;
Bacteria as large as mice,
With feet of fire and heads of ice
Who never interrupt for slumber
Their stamping elephantine rumba.
*
A common cold, gadzooks, forsooth!
Ah, yes. And Lincoln was jostled by Booth;
Don Juan was a budding gallant,
And Shakespeare’s plays show signs of talent;
The Arctic winter is fairly coolish,
And your diagnosis is fairly foolish.
Oh what a derision history holds
For the man who belittled the Cold of Colds!

By Ogden Nash
 
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Posted by on May 2, 2014 in humor, humour, poems

 

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The Clangers : An Intruder!

02 May

The Clangers are peacefully building a house. We hear a whistling sound and down comes something. The Clangers run for cover. The thing is a terrestrial space-probe vehicle with large initials on it. It is a tracked vehicle with appendages. The Clangers watch it begin its investigations. It probes about, beeping and buzzing to itself. It finds a piece of local rock and produces a sort of digging device. It digs up the rock and appears to eat it. This shocks Mr. Clanger who goes out to speak to it. The space-probe does not register his existence and pushes him rudely out of the way. Mr. Clanger pushes back. Then the vehicle stops, backs away and produces a turret with an optical instrument on it and proceeds to examine Mr. Clanger with it. It approaches him and Mr. Clanger, thinking it wishes to shake hands, grasps the instrument which comes off in his hand. The space-probe goes into emergency action. Mr. Clanger tries to put back the instrument but the vehicle takes no notice. It ignites its rockets. It blasts off.

************************

 

 
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Posted by on May 2, 2014 in humor, humour

 

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Stories for Children and adults by The Crazymad Writer

30 Apr

Perhaps the BEST children’s

stories in the world

**************

The Crazymad Writer

 
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Posted by on April 30, 2014 in humor, humour, joke

 

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It’s no laughing matter, or is it?

25 Apr
A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion,multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. “Well, it was like this” said theman. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a

difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We

went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that

one of the cows had something white in it’s rear end. I walked over

and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my

wife’s monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt.

That’s when I made my mistake.” “What did you do?”, asked the

doctor. “Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, “Hey!

This looks like yours!”

***********************
 
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Posted by on April 25, 2014 in humor, humour, joke

 

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THE ‘Y’ CHROMOSOME

25 Apr

THE ‘Y’ CHROMOSOME

People born before 1946 are called – The Greatest Generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called -The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called -Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called -Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group -Generation Y ?

Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?

But perhaps a cartoonist explained it most eloquently below…


I just thought you might want to know “Y”

 

 
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Posted by on April 25, 2014 in humor, humour, joke

 

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