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Category Archives: humour

A Funny Thing Happened The Other Day

Snail at the Crazymad Writer's blog

A Funny Thing Happened
The Other Day

I saw this sleek snail in the green grass one day,
A flyboy, he was, I do have to say,
For he whisked himself past as fast could be,
In a shell of many colours, a flyboy was he.
*
I had hardly perceived that he had even arrived,
Before he disappeared into the sunset – I tell you no lie!
That snail of many colours, as bold as could be,
Was a flyboy for sure, so flashy was he!
*
He made me so sad, as sad as could be,
For I am a slug, not flashy, that’s me,
No shell to impress with colours and bling,
Just a poor, boring slug and it’s a terrible thing.
*
But I do have this plan, a means to an end,
That could make so cool, like snails and their friends,
All that I need are paint and a brush,
A golf ball and glue – not really so much!
*
With these said items, I will make myself grand,
Painting the ball, gluing it on my back is my plan,
Then I’ll parade myself round as proud as can be,
Like the snail of many colours and just as flashy, hee hee.

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Posted by on April 17, 2014 in humor, humour, poems

 

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Oh, To Have Legs…

Slug

Oh to have legs like insects and things,

To walk on all fours is something I dream,

Or even just two, like HU-MAN THEINGS.

Would make me so happy, would realise my dreams

*

I dream of the day, I grow legs and see,

What it feels like to walk, not slime so lowly,

You see, I am a poor slug with no legs at all,

A garbled old thing, just slime and slow drawl.

*

Now don’t get me wrong it’s not all bad, I confess,

There are some perks living in a damp mess,

But I cannot help wonder about legs, I admit,

Oh lord give me legs, be it two, four or six.

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Posted by on April 17, 2014 in humor, humour, poems

 

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Thank God it’s Friday…

Thank God it’s Friday. No, wait a minute,

it’s not Friday, it’s only Thursday – ARRRRGH.

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Posted by on April 17, 2014 in humor, humour

 

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Kids

Kids are people,

Despite what you think,

Now get me a cola!

He said with a wink.

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Posted by on April 16, 2014 in humor, humour, poems

 

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Kittens

Kittens are animals,

All cuddly and sweet,

Until they piss on you,

Then they’re dead meat.

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As bonkers as conkers

 
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Posted by on April 16, 2014 in humor, humour, poems

 

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Apples

Apples are produce,

Unless they drop on your head,

Then they are pondered,

Except if you’re dead.

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Posted by on April 16, 2014 in humor, humour, poems

 

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Angry Owl

What do you WANT?

*****

 
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Posted by on April 8, 2014 in humor, humour

 

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Satan Appeared

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan asked, “Aren’t you going to run?”

“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”

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Posted by on April 7, 2014 in humor, humour, joke

 

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Lucky Five?

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my best friend Jeff. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the craziest dream the other night. Jeff listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge glowing number “5”. It was made of gold and sparkled with shiny diamonds. Jeff’s curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the 5th race.

Jeff raised an eyebrow. I told him that the #5 horse in the 5th race was named “The 5th Element.” Jeff started grinning. Then I told him point-by-point what I did that entire day.

I ate 5 bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank 5 cups of coffee

I went for a 5 mile jog to clear my head

I took a 5 minute shower to rinse off

I dressed in the 5th suit I found in my closet

I sat in my car for 5 minutes before starting it

I drove to the racetrack and parked in the 5th stall in the 5th row

I entered through the 5th admissions gate

I bought 5 programs

I went to the 5th betting window and bet $555 on the 5th horse in the 5th race

I went and sat in the 5th row of the bleachers making sure there were 5 people sitting on both sides of me.

I settled in and waited for the race to start.

“Well,” said Jeff. “Did your horse win??”

I frowned at Jeff and said, “Stupid horse came in 5th.”

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AS LONG AS YOU ENJOY READING MY STORIES.

 
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Posted by on April 7, 2014 in humor, humour, joke

 

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OH NO, I GOT A COLD!

OH NO, I GOT A COLD

By Pam Ayres

That bloke in the telly adverts,
He’s supposed to have a cold.
He has a swig of whatnot
And he drops off, good as gold,
His face like snowing harvest
Slips into sweet repose.
Well I bet this tortured breathing
Never whistled down his nose.

I burnt me bit of dinner
Cause I’ve lost me sense of smell,
But then, I couldn’t taste it,
So that worked out very well,
I’d buy some, down the cafe,
But I know that at the till,
A voice from work will softly say
“I thought that you were ill”.

So I’m wrapped up in a blanket
With me feet up on a stool,
I’ve watched the telly programmes
And the kids come home from school,
But what I haven’t watched for
Is any sympathy,
Cause all you ever get is:
“Oh no, keep away from me!”

Medicinal discovery,
It moves in mighty leaps,
It leapt straight past the common cold
And gave it us for keeps.
Now I’m not a fussy woman,
There’s no malice in me eye
But I wish that they could cure
the common cold. That’s all. Goodbye.

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Posted by on April 7, 2014 in humor, humour, poems

 

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